


Cinnamon Swirls

by TacticalCupcakes



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Depression, Doki Doki Literature Club! Spoilers, Gen, POV First Person, References to Depression, Self Confidence Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 49,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TacticalCupcakes/pseuds/TacticalCupcakes
Summary: "Everything will be okay... right?"Ever wondered what it would be like to go through "Doki Doki Literature Club" through Sayori's Perspective? That's exactly what this story attempts to depict in a re-imagining of the game's events.





	1. I'm awake, I promise!

_I really don’t want to get up…_

With what little energy I can muster, I force my eyelids open. The pale ceiling greets me, as it always does.

_Pale… bland, dull, forgettable… almost reminds me of someone._

I know that I _should_ be alert, and that I _should_ be rushing to get ready for school, but I really don’t feel like it. My bed is safe and warm, like a fluffy little nest for a robin.

Propping myself up, I lazily swing out of bed and lumber downstairs towards the kitchen. Today’s breakfast will be the same as it always has been; a simple bowl of cereal, with just enough milk to matter.

I slowly raise the spoon, then lower it, then raise it, repeat, the same thing, repeat. I can’t even really taste it.

Some might argue that I’d have a bit more pep in the mornings if actually tried to make an involved, nutritious breakfast, but I’m just not cut out for that sort of thing. I continue to shovel in the cereal, eating it simply because I need it to live.

After washing the bowl, I drift towards the bathroom. _I should probably shower; I need to look the part, after all._

The water is warm enough to create dainty puffs of steam, fogging up the mirror on the wall. For a few minutes, I simply stand under the running water, hoping that it will wash away the dreary sleepiness. It barely works.

I finish up and dry myself, and start getting dressed. Although my school’s uniform requires that we wear a blazer, I usually wear mine open. It’s a small gesture, but it’s one of the few things I have control over; having this small element of choice helps me breathe a bit easier, both figuratively and literally.

I return to brush my teeth, but accidentally squeeze a huge glob of toothpaste onto my collar.

“Oh, heck…”

I try to wipe it off with my thumb, but I end up smearing it into the fabric more, which only makes it more apparent.

_Eh, whatever… no one’s gonna notice anyway._

I look up into the mirror. A blank, listless face stares back at me, with empty, glassy eyes.

“It’s just another day… try to take it easy…” I say to my reflection. She paints a toothy smile onto her face, and turns away to look through the slightly open window. Down below stands an impatient looking boy, checking the watch on his wrist. He sighs in annoyance and looks over to my house.

That boy is Emery; he’s been my best friend since we were little kids. Some people might call him “blunt” or “dense”, but I think that’s a bit mean. He really does mean well, and is really quite wonderful once you get to know him.

We used to hang out often, but recently he’s been acting more standoffish, preferring to spend time by himself. Part of me is pained by it, but another part of me is somewhat relieved; if he forgets about me, I won’t be weighing him down anymore. He’ll be free to pursue friendships with so many wonderful people.

I was hoping to convince him to join the club that I help run; whilst it might not be his first interest, the literature club has so many lovely people in it! He’d be sure to hit it off with them, and then he’d no longer need me.

If he can be happy, then I can be happy… right?

 

I take a deep breath, and wear a convincing grin as I throw the door open. Looking around, I notice that Emery has just started to walk on his own to school. _He’s getting annoyed with you… you have to help him forget about you…_

_And the first step is to introduce him to the other members of the literature club._

I cup my hand to my mouth, and shout after him in the cheeriest voice I can.

“Heeeeeyyyyyyyyyy!”

 

He turns around, and simply watches as I run to catch up with him.

“I… I overslept again!” I pant, trying to catch my breath. “But I caught you this time!”

“Maybe,” he smirks, “but only because I decided to stop and wait for you.”

“Eeehh? You say that like you were thinking about ignoring me!”

I feign disapproval, pouting slightly. “That’s mean, Emery!”

“Well, if people stare at you for acting weird then I don’t want them to think we’re a couple or something.”

_Oof. That was pretty direct._

“Fine,” I say, trying to wave the feeling off, “but you did wait for me, after all. I guess you don’t have it in you to be mean even if you want to~  


I smile at him teasingly, poking his shoulder.

“Whatever you say, Sayori…” he sighs, rolling his eyes.

The two of us cross the street, and start making our way to school. I decide now’s the best time to make my move.

“So, have you thought about joining any clubs?” I ask, turning over to him.

“Clubs?” he cocks his head to me, raising an eyebrow. “I told you, I’m not really interested in joining any clubs.”

“Eh? But you’d told me you’d at least take a look!”

“Did I…?” he ponders, scratching his chin. Does he really not remember? We had been talking about it just last week online!

_Maybe he was… just trying to get me to shut up?_

That hurts a little, but I suppose it means he’s becoming his own person. I should be happy for him. However, he still needs a little push, so I’m going to press this point.

“Yeah! I was worried you wouldn’t develop any social skills and end up being some NEET! Your happiness is really important to me, you know!”

I might be creative with the truth, but I’m not lying here; I want him to be happy. If he can’t comfortably be around anyone except me, he’s just going to get dragged down. He deserves better than that.

“You trust me right? Don’t make me keep worrying about you…”

“Alright…” he sighs dismissively, “I’ll look at a few clubs if it’ll make you happy.”

“No promises though,” he says sternly, pointing directly at me.

“Will you at least promise me you’ll try a little?” I plead. _You need this… please…_

“Yeah, I guess I’ll promise you that.”

“Yay~!” I pump my fist in the air in victory. Even if he doesn’t seem incredibly enthused, it gives me an excuse to bring him to my club later.

We arrive at school just in time. I shouldn’t make him wait so long for me, or he might get into trouble…

“I’ll see you after school, yeah?” I smile at him, waving. “You’d better make an effort to join a club, mister!”

I waggle my finger at him in mock discipline, to which he laughs dryly. “Yeah, Yeah…”

He wanders off to his own class without another word, leaving me alone.

_Alright… that wasn’t so bad… now I just need to make it to the end of the day…_


	2. I'm paying attention, I really am!

I take my seat in class, directly in the centre. Here, I’m the least likely to attract the attention of anyone; the teacher will be focused on the students in the very front and the very back, and the students to the sides will want to do their own thing.

_Without anyone else to distract me, I can concentrate on my most important project to date!_

I pull a slim pencil out of my bag, and start shading in the lines in my notebook. Slowly and carefully, the graphite chutes roll across the page. The teacher is rambling on about… well, something, but I can’t bring myself to pay attention. It doesn’t really matter too much in the grand scheme of things anyway.

_I just want the day to be over…_

I stare up at the clock, and sigh exasperatedly. _I wonder what Emery’s doing right now…_

I really hope he makes an effort to join a club. Right now, I’m kind of his only friend; no one deserves that kind of punishment. If he doesn’t break out of his shell he’ll forget how to talk to other people, and I’ll just bring him down. 

It might be a bit selfish, but I’m really hoping I can convince him to join the club that I help run. We don’t have too many members right now, so it wouldn’t be too intimidating for him. I think he’d get along really well with one of the girls in particular; she has a lot of the same interests as him, such as video games and manga. Once the two of them hit it off, he won’t have to put up with me anymore.

The girl I have in mind is called Natsuki. She’s full of energy and might be a bit of a hot-head at times, but that’ll be perfect for Emery; he kind of goes with the flow, so she could help give him some drive. _Perhaps I can ask her what kinds of manga she reads… maybe Emery’s heard of some of them…_

But I’m sure he’d like Yuri as well. She’s a bit mellower, and is into so many cool things! Her books are sometimes a bit scary, but she really does mean well. And perhaps the two of them could help each other! Yuri’s quite shy, and Emery’s so kind… he’d be happy with her.

Of course, I can’t talk about the members of my club without mentioning Monika! She’s the club president, and is super smart, popular, beautiful, athletic… pretty much everything that I’m not. She’s amazingly confident, and would be a wonderful influence on Emery. She’d not only inspire him, but also give him the encouragement he needs to fully grow as a person.

Imagining him becoming friends with everyone else… it should make me happy, but I feel a slight sting in my chest. I want him to be happy, but…

I shake my head. _I’m probably thinking about it too much. I’ll go see him when classes finish…_

…

 

Another school day is over, with nothing spectacular happening. Every day is just the same; wake up, go to school, go home, sleep, repeat. The literature club helps break up the monotony; perhaps it’s because I can try to forget about myself for a little while. Seeing everyone smiling makes things a little better, even if it’s temporary.

I float through the hallways until I arrive at Emery’s classroom. We used to walk home a lot, and I’d meet him outside of his last lesson, but the literature club’s kept me at school longer than him recently. He’s sitting alone and off to the side of the classroom, staring blankly at the wall in front of him as though he were deep in thought. Something about his expression makes him look incredibly sophisticated… I can almost imagine him reclined in a large leather armchair, wearing thin, round glasses and nursing a glass of sherry.

“Helloooooooooo?” I call out as I walk through the doorway.

“Sayori…?” He says sleepily, turning to face me.

“I thought I’d catch you coming out of the classroom, but I saw you just sitting here and spacing out, so I came in.”

I fold my arms, letting out a slight giggle. “Honestly, you’re even worse than me sometimes… I’m impressed!”

Emery starts to slot his books into his bag. “You don’t need to wait up for me if it’s going to make you late to your own club.”

_Thank you for that segue, Emery. I really can count on you for anything._

“Well, I thought you might need some encouragement, so…” I look off to the side nervously.

“So… what?” he raises an eyebrow at me expectantly.

_Okay, here we go._

I puff up my chest in an attempt to make myself feel more confident, but it does little good. Timid butterflies whirl around inside of me, itching to escape.

“I thought that maybe you’d like to come to my club!”

He blinks, sighing in annoyance. “Sayori…”

“Yeah?!” I grin way too enthusiastically, raising my arms up.

“There’s no way I’d join your club…”

_Ouch. That was so blunt._

“Hey! Don’t be a meanie!” I say, pressing my fingertips together. “How come?”

“I think the anime club would be more my speed, I was gonna go check them out.”

_But then you’ll just be doing the same stuff you already do! You’ll never grow as a person if you don’t try new things!_

“C’mon, will you at least come by?”

“Why are you pressing this so much?”

“Well…” I scratch the back of my head sheepishly, “I already told the others I’d bring a new member… Natsuki made cupcakes and everything…”

Emery stands up, swinging his bag around his shoulder. It loosely hangs by a single strap.

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep!” He says, before sighing. “Look… I’ll stop by for a cupcake, alright?”

“Yay! Let’s go~!” I beam, tugging him by the sleeve. I actually feel a bit excited; this is going to be so good for him!

_Just you wait, Emery… you’re going to love the others!_


	3. Make some friends! You can do it!

I energetically slide the door to the clubroom open and skip inside. Emery follows behind me sluggishly. Natsuki is talking with Monika in the back of the room, and Yuri is off to the side, reading a huge book.

_Here we go… Good first impression…big smiles…show him this is a happy place…_

“Hey everyone! The new member is here!” I shout enthusiastically, gathering everyone’s attention.

  
Emery simply rubs his shoulder bashfully. “Geez, I told you not to call me that yet…”

 

_Wait a moment… ‘yet’? Does that mean he’s actually considering joining for real?_

“You brought a boy? Way to kill the atmosphere!” Natsuki says. She folds her arms with a sour expression on her face, kind of like a fizzy ring of gummy candy.

Monika, on the other hand, seems much more pleased to see him. “Ah, Emery! This is a nice surprise!”

She flashes him an enchanting smile, and he looks away nervously. As if purposefully avoiding staring at Monika, his gaze bounces around the room, skipping over me, briefly stopping on Yuri, who has joined the others, and then finally landing on Natsuki.

“What are you looking at?” She says, raising her eyebrow. “If you want to say something, say it.”

“S-Sorry…” Emery stammers.

_Oh gosh… How do I fix this? I really don’t want him to feel like he’s not welcome…_

I slide up to Emery, and whisper into his ear.

“Don’t take it personally, she gets a bit defensive around new people.”

_I hope that’s not too mean of me to say. At least, I don’t think I insulted her._

“Anyway!” I gestured towards her, trying to maintain an upbeat voice, “This is Natsuki, always full of energy!”

“And this over here is Yuri! She’s the smartest one in the club!”

Yuri blushes endearingly, playfully twirling her hair around with her finger. “O-Oh, that can’t be true…” She says softly.

“Nonsense!” I walk over and put my arm around her. “You’re super clever, silly!”

Yuri retreats into her big blanket of purple hair, and ducks away from my arm

“I-I’m going to go make some tea!”

She quickly scoops up an electric kettle from the cupboard in the back of the classroom, then swiftly leaves.

_I shouldn’t have done that. I know she’s really shy, and I made things awkward by being too chummy. I should have read the room more._

_I need to bring everything back together…_

“And it looks like you already know Monika, right?” I ask, turning to face Emery.

“Y-Yeah,” he says quietly. Monika simply smiles back at him in acknowledgment.

I think I can guess why he’s trying to play things safely around Monika; I’ve seen him get like this a couple of times before growing up. Whenever he tried to talk to a cute girl, he’d freeze up and get all embarrassed. He’d shuffle his feet a lot, and would subconsciously grip his sleeve. Sure enough, he’s gently grabbing at the cuffs of his blazer.

I don’t know why, but whenever I notice him acting this way, I feel a light needle skate across my chest. But I can’t let that get in the way of his happiness. _He deserves to have a good time here, no matter what might happen._

“That’s great!” I say, wearing a big grin. “It seems we’re all ready to go, so why don’t we head on over to the back here? I can bring the cupcakes over!”

I point towards a small group of desks arranged in the back of the room, resembling a makeshift table. As everyone else takes their seats, I make my way towards the tray of cupcakes.

“Hey!” Natsuki protests, “I made them, I’ll go get them!”

_Oh yeah, that’s right. That would probably make more sense. I don’t want it to seem like I’m taking credit for her hard work…_

“Ehehe… sorry, I got a little bit too excited~”

 

Natsuki places the tray in the middle of the table, and holds her hand over the thin covering.

“Ta-Da!” she exclaims, revealing a captivatingly cute collection of cupcakes, decorated to look like little cats. _Natsuki’s so talented… I wish I had a useful skill like that…_

“Oh my gosh! Those are adorable!” I gasp, raising my hands to my face; I do genuinely think they’re cute.

Monika turns around in her seat to face Natsuki. “I’m impressed. I had no idea you were so good at baking, Natsuki!”

Natsuki smirks at the compliment. “Heh, well, you know… just take one already!”

We all take a cupcake. It’s almost too cute to eat; I feel like I’m going to make the little kitten sad. Although I suppose it’d be happy that it’s making me happy since it’s so tasty?

Setting aside my morality scale of personified food, I remove the lining and hungrily bite into the cupcake. I can feel my pupils dilate upon tasting the delicate icing. It’s so good; it tastes like a floating sunrise, drifting along on a friendly cloud of vanilla.

Emery turns his cupcake around in his hand, as if tactically planning where to start with it. Eventually he seems to find a good angle, and bites into it. His eyes light up endearingly.

“Mm! This is really good. Thanks, Natsuki!”

Natsuki blinks, unsure of how to respond. “W-Why are you thanking me? It’s not like I… made them for you or anything…” she mumbles.

“Eh?” Emery cocks his head quizzically. “I thought you technically did, since Sayori had told me-“

“W-Well, yeah!” She stutters, “But not, y-you know, _you_! Dummy…”

Even when she’s not trying, she’s way too cute. If I were in her situation, I’d probably just come off as a goofy klutz.

As everyone finishes their cupcakes, Yuri reenters the clubroom, and starts making tea. She presents everyone with a carefully brewed cup, then joins us at the table.

_Well, I guess things are going as well as they could go so far…_


	4. You'll love it here! You'll see!

I raise my teacup close to my face, and blow on it to cool it slightly before taking a big gulp. The flavour is powerful, almost as though I were sipping a beautiful garden.

“So, Emery!” Monika tries to strike up conversation, turning over to Emery, “What made you think about joining our club?”

_‘Well, I was going to join the anime club but then my friend here literally pulled me away because she’s scared of losing me. Isn’t that kinda weird?’_

_…Nah, he probably wouldn’t say that out loud._

“Well, Sayori seemed really happy here, so I thought…” He shuffles in his seat awkwardly, as though embarrassed.

A coy smile plays across Monika’s face. “That’s okay! There’s no need to be shy. As our club’s president, it’s my duty to create a warm, welcoming environment!”

“Mhmm!” I nod, “Monika’s a really good leader~!”

She really does know what she’s doing, and she makes it seem so easy. You might not guess it from a first glance, but I’m actually the club’s Vice President. Whilst Monika seems to fit right into a leadership position, I find the responsibility somewhat stressful. I’d never tell her that, of course; I wouldn’t want to upset the dynamic of the club, and she seems to at the very least tolerate me being the VP. Yuri might be more suitable for the role though… _I wonder what things would be like if that were the case…_

“Shouldn’t you have some more club members then?” Emery says, before immediately backpedaling. “Sorry, that didn’t sound so bad in my head…”

Monika pauses slightly, as though she weren’t expecting to hear that question from him, but quickly regains her composure.

“Well, the way I see it, it just means we’ll really have to give it our all here! If we can create a wonderful club together, people will surely come by. Right, everyone?”

“Yeah!” I pump my fist in the air excitedly. Noticing everyone’s comparatively moderate level of energy, I sheepishly lower my hand.  

“You know it!” Natsuki says, smiling.

Yuri simply nods in agreement before turning to face Emery.

“So, Emery… what kinds of things do you like to read?”

_Oof, she’s probably not going to like what I think Emery’s going to say…_

“Well, ah…” He tugs at his collar nervously before looking off to the side, “…Manga…”

Natsuki subtly looks over from the corner of her eye. She opens her mouth to say something, but ultimately decides against it.

“N-Not much of a reader, I guess…” she chuckles bashfully, as though she’d made a mistake in asking him.

“Well, that can change…” He says, looking up at her.

_Wow, that was almost instant… he must already be warming up to everyone here…_

_It makes me… happy… he’s going to fit right in, given time._

“What about you, Yuri? What do you like to read?”

Yuri runs her finger around the rim of her teacup, deep in thought. Yuri has probably read more books than anyone else I know, and she loves having the opportunity to talk about her favourite stories.

“Recently, I suppose I’ve been reading a lot of horror… I’m a big believer in literatures ability to challenge the psyche, so to have such an immersive tale question your ideals and foundations can be extremely exhilarating…”

Emery scratches the back of his head, desperately trying to grasp onto something to relate to. “Ah, I read a horror book once…”

I giggle softly to myself. I know exactly which story he’s talking about.

When the two of us were several years younger, probably around twelve or thirteen, Emery’s class was assigned a collection of short stories to read, with the expectation that everyone would write an essay on one of them. Whilst he made it through the first half of the book just fine, he arrived at a particular story that really shook him up. It started off fairly innocently, and played up the main character, making you get invested in her emotionally. However, certain kooky things start happening, and she gets ignored more and more throughout the story until she vanishes, consumed by her loneliness.

Emery was shook. For at least two weeks he needed to have a hot water bottle and a night light when he went to bed, and he wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I texted him something lighthearted, like a picture of a kitten or something.

_I won’t embarrass him by bringing that up though._

“Ugh, I hate horror…” Natsuki says suddenly, shifting the conversation over to her.

“Oh? Why’s that?” Yuri asks.

“Well… it’s just…” Natsuki starts to say something, looking over to each of us, but gives up, sinking down in her chair a little. “…never mind…”

“That’s right,” Monika laughs, “you usually like to write about cute things, don’t you?”

“Wh-What?” Natsuki stammers, “What gives you that idea?”

“You left behind some scrap paper at the last meeting. It looked like the start of a poem called-“

“D-Don’t say it out loud! And give that back!”

Natsuki blushes brightly, and snatches the paper back from Monika.

_I didn’t know Natsuki was a writer… that’s actually really cool! I’d love it if she shared some of her writing with us! Even her worst writing is probably better than my best._

I slip out of my chair, giggling. “Your cupcakes, your poems… everything you do is just as cute as you are!”

I playfully slide behind Natsuki, hugging her from behind. However, she doesn’t seem amused.

“I’m not cute!” She shouts. _It’s impossible for her to_ not _be cute. Look at this!_

“Wait, you write your own poems Natsuki?” Emery asks. “That’s quite impressive, why don’t you share them sometime?”

Like a chipmunk seeing an eagle, Natsuki’s eyes widen in apparent fear. “N-No! You…”

She looks over at each of us, and then sighs. “Y-You wouldn’t… like them…”

“Not a very confident writer yet, huh?” Emery laughs. He might not be the best writer himself, but he tries his best, which is what’s important.

“I understand how Natsuki feels,” Yuri says, joining in. “sharing that level of writing takes more than just confidence; after all, the truest form of writing it to oneself.”

I imagine Yuri is a fantastic writer. Her vocabulary stretches around the globe and back at least three times. Even if she were to write something silly, like _Portrait of Markov_ fanfiction, she could probably turn it into something truly remarkable and captivating.

“Do you also have writing experience, Yuri?” Monika asks, her hand raised out to the side. “Maybe if you shared your stuff as well, everyone would feel a bit more comfortable!”

Yuri makes a soft, high pitched noise before looking away. Looks like she doesn’t want to share either.

“Aww… I wanted to read everyone’s poems…” I say, pouting slightly. I doubt anyone would want to read anything I wrote, but everyone else has so much potential, just waiting to be tapped into. I can feel it!

The room is silent for a minute, but then Monika stands up, grinning.

“Okay, Everyone! How about we all write a poem tonight, and bring it to the next meeting to share?”

_That’s… That’s a wonderful idea! I know the others will be able to create a masterpiece!_

“Yeah!” I exclaim excitedly, “Let’s do it!”

“Plus, now that we have a new member…” She glances over at Emery, “I think it’d help us get a bit more acquainted with each other, don’t you think?”

 

“Hold on, there’s a slight issue with that…” Emery says, raising his hand. “I never said I’d join this club!”

_Oh. I guess he didn’t say that… does that mean he doesn’t want to stick around after all…?_

_I probably made things weird by acting like such a dork._

I sigh, unable to hide my disappointment. I thought he’d love to get to know the others here…

He looks over at each one of us. Sighing, he runs a hand through his hair.

“Okay… You know what? I’ve made my decision; I’ll join the literature club!

_Eh?! He will?!_

“Yay!” I shout happily, wrapping my arms around him and bouncing up and down. “I’m so happy~!”

_This will be so good for him. Soon, you’ll get to know everyone else here so well…_

Emery chuckles half-heartedly before pulling away from me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little hurt.

“Then it’s official!” Monika beams. “So, is everyone clear on what to do? Write a poem, and bring it to tomorrow’s meeting to share!”

With the meeting adjourned, everyone else begins to pack up their stuff. Now that I think about it, it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to spend a bit of time with Emery outside of walking to school. The literature club kept me busy after classes ended, and he’d usually leave immediately.

“So, uh…” I drift over to Emery, smiling. “Would you like to walk home together? Y’know, since we’re going the same way and all…”

“Sure,” he replies, “we might as well, right?”

I head out of the room, with Emery following close by.

_This should be nice… Maybe I can ask him more about how he’s feeling about the club…_


	5. Let's go together! It'll be fun!

**Chapter the Fifth – Let’s go together! It’ll be fun!**

Emery and I start the journey home, our steps making soft tapping sounds against the pavement.

_I’m really happy that he ended up joining the literature club…_

“Hey, Emery?” I turn to face him.

“Hm?” he raises an eyebrow at me, cocking his head slightly. “What’s up?”

“Well…” I rub my arm shyly. “I was just wondering… what made you decide to join the club in the end?”

_I think I already know the answer, but I want to hear what he’ll say to me._

“Hmm…” He places his hand on his chin, as though he were deep in thought. “I won’t lie, I did initially think your club would be pretty boring. But you’re all so different, yet interested in the same thing… I think that’s kind of cool.”

“Uh-huh… are you sure there wasn’t another reason?” I say teasingly.

“Eh? What do you mean?”

I turn my head to the side, looking at him playfully through the corners of my eyes. “I saw how you were looking at everyone! I think you fancy someone~”

“Geez, you’re so weird sometimes, Sayori!” He says, shaking his head.

“Heh, relax! I’m only joking~” I say, gently pushing him in the arm. “Although, I am really glad you decided to stick around. I think the others are going to love you!”

“You think so?”

“Of course, silly! I think you’re going to fit right in with them! You could do with making more friends, and they’re perfect for you!”

“I guess so… but you’re my friend already, right?”

I feel another pin skate across my heart, stinging slightly. _Why does it hurt when he says that?_

_Well, I know why. I don’t want him to have to burden himself with me. I’m not really the kind of person you should be friends with._

“Ehehe… you’re going to make so many great memories with them in the club!” I laugh, avoiding the question.

“Here’s hoping…”

 

The two of us eventually arrive home. My house comes up first on the street, so this is where I’ll say goodbye for now.

“Well, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” I say cheerfully. “Make sure you write something good for tomorrow!”

I point at him with a mock expression of sternness.

“Okay, mum…” he laughs. Waving to me, he wanders over to his own house.

 

_Am I doing the right thing here? Was it selfish of me to bring Emery to the club? I did kind of coerce him into it…_

_But I know it’s for his own good. Once he gets to know everyone else better, he won’t need me to drag him around; he’ll be able to function by himself._

I drift through the doorway, and close it behind me. Without even thinking about it, I slowly walking through the house, dragging my feet, until I reach my bedroom. I drop my bag on the floor, then immediately flop down into my bed.

“Oy…”

I’m exhausted. _Shouldn’t I be feeling good? My friend joined the club I’m a part of, so I’m going to get to spend more time with him than I have been recently! I introduced him to a wonderful group of people, who are all going to become great friends with him! And today, I had a yoghurt at lunch! It was peach flavoured!_

Objectively, today was a good day. _So why then… do I feel so drained? Am I really so selfish that I can’t even feel good about that?_

I roll over onto my back, letting out a long sigh. My body feels so heavy; I know I should go back downstairs and eat something, but I don’t really have the energy. My parents are away for a couple of weeks on business trips, so there isn’t anyone else here who’d make me maintain a proper diet.

It’s pretty weird, isn’t it? Food is pretty tasty; sometimes I feel like I need to eat a lot, but then there’s other times like right now where I can’t make myself even have something small. Perhaps it’s because I’m flip-flopping between eating for comfort, and eating simply because I know I’ll die if I don’t.

_Yikes, that’s a little dark. Tone it back a little there, Sayori…_

I should probably write a poem for tomorrow. At the very least, it’d give me something to do, and I wouldn’t want to let everybody down. I mean, I’d probably disappoint them anyway with whatever I write, but it’d make them a little happy to see me try, right?

But maybe later… right now, I just don’t feel like doing anything except sleeping. I’m just a lazy layabout; I eat, sleep, and that’s about it. It’d be fine if I felt refreshed after waking up, but most days simply getting out of bed is a task and a half. Sleep is nice though, since it makes me feel a little safer; I can’t be hurt when I’m asleep.

I fumble about with my hand on the bed until I find a pillow, I grab it and pull it towards me, hugging it tightly to my body. _I’ll just have a bit of a nap before I write my poem…_

…

 

Somehow, I feel even more tired once I wake up. Groggily, I force myself to stand up, and rub my eyes. It feels like there’s something I’m forgetting…

_Oh right, poem… I need to write a poem for the club tomorrow…_

I slowly make my way over to my desk, and slump down into my chair, spreading my notebook open. I want to write a pleasant poem for tomorrow; I could try to think about the things that used to make me happy when I was younger.

Uncapping my pen, I start to scribble down lines until I have something that resembles a poem:

 

**Sleeves**

_Stitched carefully to my sleeve_

_Is my soft, cerulean heart,_

_Cautious breaths give light reprieve_

_From dodging dejected darts,_

_Dusty dreams like to play,_

_Dancing in pancake batter,_

_Molded from clotted clay,_

_Do these words even matter?_

_Slowly filling up the page,_

_Like gracefully poured tea,_

_Charcoal eyes beyond my age_

_Bare my secrets feebly,_

_Forgive me if on my sleeve_

_I wear my tender heart,_

_If you would like me to leave,_

_Just say, and I’ll depart._

 

 _Eh…I mean, it’s not terrible… but probably not what they’d want to read._ I turn over the page to start anew.

What’s something that makes me want to keep going? I know there’s not much, but there’s got to be _something_ …

_Well, I do appreciate Emery’s friendship, and I enjoyed the time we used to spend together. I could try and write about that…_

“Are you asking me to come out and play? Are you trusting me to wish away a rainy day?” I read aloud as I pen down a few lines. However, I suddenly feel stuck; how do I continue from here?

I try to think, but I really feel like I’ve hit a roadblock. I guess I could finish it tomorrow over breakfast or something; maybe I can capitalize on the morning metaphors…

Before I forget, I write down the title “Dear Sunshine”, then close my notebook. Perhaps in the morning I’ll have some more ideas.

 

_But for now, I just want to sleep…_


	6. I've got your back! Watch me!

**  
**Wiping my bleary eyes, I all but roll out of bed, barely catching myself on the ground. Today I have _something_ to look forward to at least; I’m really curious to see what Emery ended up writing about. He’s not much of a writer, so he’s probably gone with something simple to try and impress someone at the club, in the hopes that they’ll help him write stuff in the future.

I slowly trudge down the stairs, stretching and letting out a loud yawn. _I wish I didn’t feel so tired all the time… I literally just woke up…_

Breakfast is relatively uneventful. I managed to get myself to make some toast with honey spread across it, which takes marginally more effort than cereal. Still, I suppose I should take that as a victory, however small.

The toast is satisfyingly crunchy, and compliments the texture of the crystalized honey as it glides across my tongue delightfully. It’s lovely and sweet!  
As I continue to eat, I flop open my notebook in front of me, and flip the pages until I arrive at last night’s poem. It’s still not finished… What was I writing about again?

 

_Oh yeah! Stuff that keeps me going!_

“If it wasn’t for you, I could sleep forever. But I’m not mad… I want breakfast.”

 

I read over the poem again. It’s a bit silly, but I don’t think that’s a problem. And I don’t think I’m saying anything too serious in this poem… right?

I shrug, and snap my notebook shut. I lean over to look out the window, and see Emery waiting impatiently outside of his house. I’m actually a little surprised that he’s waiting up for me, but it’s a welcome one to be sure.

I quickly get myself dressed, and run out of the house. Then I immediately run back in to retrieve my bag, before finally joining Emery outside.

“Hey, friend!” I shout, waving at him energetically.

“Good afternoon, sleeping beauty.” he says in faux mocking. “As usual, you seem to be in a rather good mood.”

_Oh, if you only knew the half of it…_

I tilt my head, smiling. “I’m pretty good at that, huh?”

“Well, it’s pretty easy to get you excited. Last week, you had like a spiritual experience because you got two chocolate bars from the vending machine, even though you only paid for one.”

I put my hand on my hip, pretending to look cross. “Hey, that’s like a one-in-a-million thing! It was magical!”

“But anyway… I’m just happy because we get to hang out after school today!”

“Eh?” He blinks blankly. “Did we make plans or something…?”

“No, the club silly!”

_Did he really forget?_

He rubs his eyes. “Oh, right… I stayed up pretty late, so I’m a bit out of it…but I still managed to get up before you!”

_Darn, I didn’t think it was possible for me to feel like I’m not good at being asleep. That’s like, the one thing I’m good at, and I’m not even good at it..._

“Oh…? You must’ve put a lot of thought into today’s poem then!” I giggle lightheartedly. “I wonder who’ve you’ve written your poem for…?”

“Wh-What? What makes you think I wrote a poem _for_ someone?” He stammers, gripping at the cuffs of his sleeve. _He’s so funny when he gets flustered._

“I guess we’ll see at the club meeting today~” I grin.

 

When we arrive at school, we both wave to each other and depart to our respective classes. As soon as he’s out of earshot, I let out a long, heavy sigh. _I wonder what he ended up writing about…_

 

…

Soon enough, the school day is finished, and I can head to the Literature club. I’m looking forward to seeing what everyone wrote about; it’s no doubt going to be better than the doodle I came up with this morning.

As I’m walking through the hallway, I hear someone fall down, followed by a squeak and some laughter. Swiftly, I sneak towards it, peeking around the corner. There’s a girl holding a large book, alongside her friend who’s standing behind… Yuri?

“H-Hey!” Yuri says, her voice quivering, “P-Please don’t take that!”

_Did they steal Yuri’s book? The absolute nerve! Someone should go do something about that._

The girl laughs, and places the book between her legs. “It’s right here, come and get it!”

As she continues to cackle, Yuri stands there petrified, unable to form complete sentences. Her face is a bright red as she’s reduced to mere stammering.

_Yeah someone really should. And I am that someone._

I creep behind the girl as quietly as possible.

“Look at her! She must want me to keep it!” She taunts.

_This is it…_

“That’s where you’re wrong, kiddo!”

I leap forward and grab onto the book, snatching it up from behind her. She yelps out in surprise before running away with her accomplice.

“…Sayori?” Yuri says softly, still processing what happened.

I stand tall, flashing a victory sign before handing the book back to her.

“Are you okay? Did those meanies take this from you?”

She dusts herself off, and tucks the book underneath her arm. “Th-Thank you, Sayori… you didn’t have to do that for me…”

“But I did!” I grin, “You’re my friend, silly! Of course I had to!”

She laughs to herself quietly.

“So,” I say, turning attention back to the book, “What’s that about anyway? Another gripping book that totally changes your world view through its obscure yet alluring themes?”

“Huh?” She glances down at the book, then back to me. “Oh, no, th-this is a gift…”

I gasp loudly, and move closer to her with wide eyes. “Aww! That’s so cute! Who’s it for?”

“W-Well, um… I was hoping I could give it to Emery…” she mumbles.

Time freezes for a moment. _She has a gift for Emery? Does that mean… she wants to get closer with him?_

_…that’s good. I should support her. It’ll be good for Emery to get closer to someone else._

“Ooh!” I laugh, “I know he’s gonna love it! Wait, I need to go tell him!”

Turning around on my heel, I run off to try and find him. Yuri calls out to me, but I don’t stop.

_He’ll be so thrilled to hear Yuri got him something!_


	7. Let's get things started! I'm looking forward to it!

I run to Emery’s last class of the day, hoping I can catch him as he leaves, but he’s not there. I guess it makes sense; he probably left whilst I was helping Yuri. I’ll see him during the club meeting anyway, so it’s not really a big deal.

Upon reaching the clubroom, I throw the door open and leap forward. Today’s the first day everyone’s going to be sharing their writing, so I want to make a big entrance.

“Heeeeyyyyy!” I say enthusiastically, pointing finger guns in front of me.

Natsuki, Yuri, and Monika are already in the clubroom. They simply stare at me wordlessly.

_Kill me now._

“Ehehe… I thought that would look kind of cool…” I say sheepishly, shuffling over to a desk to the side of the classroom. Whilst I _did_ want to make a memorable entrance, this will probably be remembered for all of the wrong reasons. _I guess at least everyone will be able to bond over how I totally embarrassed myself just now…_

Fortunately, Emery enters the clubroom right after, drawing the attention away from me. Monika drifts over to greet him, flashing a beautiful smile.

“Ah, Emery! It’s good to see you didn’t ditch us!”

Emery smiles back, absentmindedly gripping the cuff of his sleeve. “Heh, well, even if this is a bit strange to me, I do keep my word.”

_Some people might think that he’s incredibly blunt, but I think honesty is an admirable trait. Well, as long as it’s done tactfully, which I think Emery is just about managing._

“Thank you for keeping your promise, Emery…” Yuri says. “I hope this isn’t too overwhelming of a commitment for you…”

_She sounds so polite and formal…it’s okay, Yuri! There’s nothing to worry about here!_

“Making you dive headfirst into literature when you’re not really accustomed to it…” she mumbles, twirling a long lock of her violet hair around in her finger.

“Oh, come on!” Natsuki says, standing up. “Like he deserves any slack.”

Emery looks startled at the suddenness of her statement.

“Sayori told me you didn’t even want to join any clubs this year. And last year, too!”

_Oh gosh… please don’t hate me, Emery… I was just trying to make conversation…_

Natsuki marches forward, extending her arm out and pointing at him. She almost looks like she’s taking on a power pose from an anime.

“I don’t know if you came here just to hang out, or whatever… but if you don’t take us seriously, then you won’t see the end of it.”

Monika laughs under her breath. “Natsuki, you certainly have a big mouth for someone who keeps her manga collection in the clubroom.”

_Ouch. Low blow, Monika. You really know how to push her buttons._

“M-M-M…!”

Natsuki simply stands there, any shred of confidence she had previously evaporating.

“Manga is literature!” she eventually shouts, before storming towards the back of the clubroom and collapsing into a desk.

_Trouble. If I don’t do something, things might get awkward…_

“Don’t worry, guys!” I say, “Emery always gives it his best, as long as he’s having fun!”

This much is true; ever since I first met him, he’s always put his best foot forward, even if things got a bit out of hand sometimes.

“He helps me all the time with busywork, like cooking, cleaning my room, and sometimes he even helps my parents!”

“How dependable…” Yuri muses.

Emery, however, doesn’t look as impressed. “Sayori…” he says, folding his arms, “that’s because your room is so messy it’s distracting.”

I… I guess I don’t really have an excuse for that. Whenever I’m at home, I just don’t have the energy to try and pick up after myself. I wouldn’t call it incredibly untidy, but I really do appreciate it when he comes over to help tidy up.

“And you almost set your house on fire the last time you cooked!”

“Ehehe… is that so…”

I laugh awkwardly. I remember the occasion; I’d tried to make some cookies with Emery, but I didn’t want to wait for them to cook. At the time, I thought the best thing to do would be to set the oven to twice the recommended temperature. I’d reasoned that it’d make the cookies bake twice as fast. A few minutes later, I learnt that wasn’t how ovens worked.

“You two are really quite good friends, aren’t you?” Yuri says sweetly. “I might be a little jealous…”

“How come? You and Emery can become good friends too!”

Yuri’s so delicate and lovely; Emery would be happy with her.

“Oh, speaking of which…” I grin, nudging Yuri with my elbow, “Didn’t you have something you wanted to give to Emery?”

“S-Sayori!” Yuri’s face flushes. “It’s nothing important or anything!”

“Oh, come on Yuri!” I nudge her again, winking at her. “I’m sure he’ll love it!”

Yuri takes a deep breath, and retrieves the book I rescued from earlier. She presents it to Emery, who takes it and studies the cover.

“I-It’s a relatively short read, so I thought it’d be helpful to get you adjusted to the club. A-And if you’d like, perhaps we could… discuss it…”

_She’s so cute; I wish I could be so desirable so effortlessly…_

“Thanks Yuri, I appreciate this. You know, maybe I _will_ take a look at this!”

After taking a quick bow, Yuri shuffles over to the back of the room, and buries her face in her own book. Emery takes his own seat near the front of the classroom, and folds his arms in front of him on the desk.

_Wait… what’s he doing?_

He looks over his shoulder a couple of times before resting his head into his arms. _Is he… is he having a nap?_

 

This just won’t do; I’m going to have to go over there and do something about this.


	8. Wake up, sleepyhead! This is important!

Just as I’m about to walk over to Emery, I see Monika gesturing for me to join her at the back of the classroom.

“Hey Monika~!” I say, beaming. “What’s up?”

Monika smiles. “So, I figured I’d talk to you about this first since you’re the club’s VP.”

“Ooh! Secrets! Conspiracy! I’m in, what is it?”

“Heh, it’s nothing like that,” she says, waving her hand at me. “I was just thinking that with the festival coming up next week, we should try and put on some kind of display for our club! What do you think?”

I know how much this club means to Monika. Heck, it means a lot to me as well. So that means I should try and answer that question as honestly as possible.

“I think that’d be fun, but we’re probably going to seem kinda dull compared to some of the other clubs…”

“Hmm…” Monika nods thoughtfully. “Well, I think we should at the very least try. After all, the festival’s our best shot at showing everyone what literature’s all about, right?”

“I get that, but…” I sigh, looking out of the window, “the problem is that the idea of a literature club sounds too dense and intellectual, y’know?”

Monika pauses for a moment, then shakes her head. “Sorry, I just thought… never mind. I was thinking the same thing, but it’s not like that at all! We just need to find a creative way to show that to everyone…”

“I suppose so… but I think the bigger issue is getting people to show up in the first place. We need to get people to come to us, and _then_ we can think about _keeping_ them here.”

“That’s… actually a good point. This is why you’re VP, Sayori!”

“Ehehe~…”

The real reason is that I was the first person to actually join the club. Realistically anyone else could probably do this better than me. I won’t bring that up right now though; for whatever reason, Monika seems invested in my opinion right now. _That’s another discussion for another day._

Monika looks deep in thought. “Do you think food would work? People always like free food.”

That’s a universal truth; if you want to get people to come to _anything_ , offer free food. After-school lecture? BAM, Pizza. Theatre production? WHA-BLAM, Sandwiches. Literature club…?

 

“Cupcakes!” I shout, forgetting that Monika was unable to read minds and, as such, hadn’t heard the rest of that sentence.

“Heh, Good thinking… that’ll give us a tactical advantage over the other displays. Everyone loves cupcakes! And it’d give Natsuki something to do!”

“Yeah! Natsuki makes the best cupcakes! That works out perfectly~!”

“Wait…” Monika raises her hand, a confused look on her face, “you didn’t have Natsuki in mind when you suggested that?”

“Ehehe…” I laugh nervously. I should have thought about that in the first place.

“Well, I guess that’s one issue sorted, but we still need to think about how the actual event will go down…” she ponders.

“We’ve still got time; I’m sure you’ll come up with something!” I say, placing a hand on her shoulder in what I think is encouragement.

“Thanks, Sayori. I’ll be sure to come up with something that’ll make you all proud!”  
  
I nod in acknowledgement, then turn around. Emery is full on asleep at this point, using the book that Yuri had given him as a pillow.

_Bippity-boo, I’m coming for you…_

I sneak up behind him and tap him on the shoulder. Predictably, he looks behind him in a daze, but I slip around to the front of his desk and stand up close. When he turns back around, I’m right in his face, and he almost falls out of his chair in shock.

“Geez, Sayori! What’re you playing at?!”

“Heh… I’m sorry…”

_Hang on, he’s trying to change the subject here!_

“Wait, actually, no, I’m not sorry! This isn’t the napping club, you know!”

“Is there a napping club here…?” He asks lazily.

“You’re staying up late again, aren’t you? Now that you’re in a club, you’re gonna have less time for anime, you know!”

He waves his hands as if to shush me, looking over his shoulder. “Don’t say that so loud!”

_Is he… embarrassed that he likes anime? Natsuki’s kinda like that… they should really talk more…_

“I guess you’re right…” he sighs, rubbing his eyes, “You’re always looking out for me, Sayori.”

“It’s what I do best!” I say, grinning. I don’t know why, but hearing him say that makes me feel nice.

“…but that’s a problem! You need to think about yourself a bit more, you know?”

“Eh?” I tilt my head, confused. _I think about myself all the time! I don’t want to be that selfish, especially when it’s more important that those around me are doing well…_

“You’re still oversleeping every day, aren’t you?”

“H-Huh? N-Not every day!” I lie, laughing uneasily. _Do I really come off as that lazy…?_

“Uh-huh…” he folds his arms disapprovingly. “Then, pray tell, how many days this past week have you gotten up on time?”

“Uh…!” I’m drawing a total blank. I can’t just tell him outright that it’s been longer than I can remember, or else he might start to worry about me.

“…it’s a secret!”

“I see…”

“Hey, at least give me the benefit of the doubt!” I smile sheepishly, pressing the tips of my fingers together.

“No offense, Sayori, but it’s written all over you. It’s clear to anyone that you were in a hurry this morning. I would’ve mentioned it earlier, but it didn’t’ seem appropriate.”

He shifts on his heel, turning back to face me as though he were a private investigator. “But now… look, your hair’s all messy! Did you even brush it this morning?”

He reaches out and grabs my hair, trying to smooth it out. Feeling his fingers brushing against my face… _why does it make my heart beat faster?_

“And that’s not all. Your bow’s all crooked, and you’ve got toothpaste on your collar!”

He shifts around, trying to wipe my collar with his thumb.

“B-But no-one would notice that!” I try to protest, but he shakes his head.

“Yeah they would, they just want to spare your feelings.”

_Ouch. I felt that pierce right through my chest. If people would lie about that… what else are they keeping from me?_

“And look, you don’t even keep your blazer buttoned up! Seriously, why don’t you think you have a boyfriend yet?”

“Eh?!” The suddenness of the question catches me off guard. The answer should be obvious though; I’m a mopey sad-sack that isn’t worth that kind of attention. Emery listed just a few things that prove how lazy I am, and he literally just said people aren’t as kind to me as I thought…

“Sorry if that sounded mean, but you’ll see what I mean…”

He reaches forward, and starts buttoning up my blazer from the bottom. I don’t know why, but I can feel my face flushing. I can’t help but laugh.

“What’s so funny?” he asks.

“Well… I was just thinking how weird it is to have a friend who does these kinds of things.”

“H-Hey!” he stammers, “Don’t say that, or you’re gonna make _me_ feel weird, you noodle-head!”

“It’s okay… I’m just happy we’re like this…”

_Woah, where’d that come from? Dial it back a bit, idiot… you’re going to make things awkward…_

“Why is this one so hard to close…?” he says, struggling with a button near my chest. “Does this thing even fit you properly?”

“It did when I bought it!” I grin.

He sighs, almost like a disappointed parent. “If you ever buttoned it, you’d have noticed sooner that it doesn’t fit you anymore…”

“Heh, it just means my boobs got bigger!” I say without thinking. He blushes, and his fingers start to shake a little. _Why did I say that…? He’s going to thing you’re even weirder, and then he won’t want to be seen with you…_

“D-Don’t say that!” He stutters bashfully. However, he manages to finally get the last button done up.

“There… you look much better now…”

_It’s so tight though… I can hardly breathe…_

“It’s too stuffy! It’s not worth it!” I complain, undoing all of his hard work within seconds. I hate to disappoint him further, but I feel much better now that I can breathe properly again.

I stretch my arms out and spin around playfully, appreciating the new freedom. “So if I keep my blazer unbuttoned, I won’t get a boyfriend right?”

“What kind of logic is that? And why do you say that like it’s a good thing?”

“Well…” I shuffle my foot along the ground. “If I had a boyfriend, he wouldn’t let you do stuff like this for me! And you take care of me better than anyone else would, anyway…”

_Back it up, girl, you’re doing it again…_

“Stop saying all these embarrassing things!” He scratches the back of his head, flustered. “Could you at least try to wake up on time?”

“Only if you go to bed earlier!” I say with mock authority, waggling my finger.

“Fine, fine…”

“Yay!  Maybe you can wake me up in the mornings!” I say teasingly.

“You’re doing it again, Sayori…”

I pout. “Aww, I was joking that time though!”

He shakes his head. “I can never tell with you sometimes…”

“Haha! That must mean I’m doing well then!” I blurt out.

Before he can question that, Monika pipes up from the back of the room.

“Okay, Everyone! Time to share poems!”

I clap my hands eagerly. “I can’t wait! Are you prepared to see an awesome poem, Emery?”

“Eheh… sure, Sayori…” he says dismissively, then turns away to fetch his poem. I do the same, skipping over to my desk.

_I really want to see what he wrote about…_


	9. Here's my poem! I hope you like it!

**Chapter the Ninth – Here’s my poem! I hope you like it!**

Reaching into my bag, I flop my notebook open and retrieve my poem. It’s not too great, but I’m sure it’ll do. As I turn around to find someone to share with, Emery walks over to me, page in hand.

“Oh, aren’t you going to share your poem with the others?” I ask quizzically.

“Yeah, but, I figured I’d get your opinion first… you can let me down gently.” He chuckles, presenting me with his poem.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself! I’m sure this’ll be a great poem!”

 

_Let’s see what we’ve got here…_

**My first poem**  
_Adventure  
Bliss_

 _Childhood_  
Friends  
Family  
Excitement  
Lucky  
Laugh  
Peaceful  
Together

 

_Hmm… I actually really like it. It’s a short poem, but as each word flows into the next, it forms a wonderful story. He’s a natural!_

“Oh my goodness! This is so good, Emery!” I say, looking up from the paper. “I had no idea you were such a good writer~”

“Sayori…” he rolls his eyes, “You must be overreacting a ton… I have no idea what I’m doing here.”

_Self-deprecation alert! Code 2029; activating encouragement beams!_

“Well, maybe… maybe I like it because I don’t know what I’m doing either!” I giggle.

Still unimpressed, he grips his arm, tapping at it with his finger. “Are you sure you don’t just like it because I wrote it?”

_Emery… do you really doubt yourself that much?_

“I mean, I guess that’s part of it… but you know, we’re kind of on the same wavelength. So when I read it, it’s not just any poem; it’s an Emery poem! And that makes it extra special, like I can feel your feelings in it~”

I pull the paper close to my chest, and hug it tightly.

“It’s like it’s saying ‘hey, I’m a really good poem!’” I laugh, handing the page back to him.

“You’re so weird, Sayori…” He says, raising an eyebrow.

“Ehehe… I’m just happy that you actually wrote a poem. It’s like you’re really a part of the club now~”  


He shrugs. “I see… well, I don’t go back on my word.”

_He’s still not budging. Better crank the dial on the wholesome metre._

“You went out of your comfort zone in joining this club; only really good people do that!”

Even if I kind of forced him to come here yesterday by literally dragging him by the hand, it makes me happy that not only did he come back another day, but he also wrote a poem to share with everyone. He’s really a good person; heck, he puts up with me every day… that alone should make him a saint.

“So to thank you for doing something that might’ve been uncomfortable, I’m going to do my best to make every day here fun for you!” I point forward, flashing him a smile.

“I’ll hold you to that,” he smirks, placing his poem down on the desk beside him.

“Okay! So, first order of fun business! Would you like to read my poem?”

He nods, and I hand him my paper. He studies it carefully, his eyes going back and forth across the page. _Please don’t be too hard on me… I know it’s bad, but be gentle…_

“Don’t be scared; I’m really bad at this…” I pre-emptively say in apology, hoping that it’ll make the incoming critique sting less.

After a moment, he lower the page, and looks into my eyes.

“This is just a hunch, but… did you put this off until this morning?”

“N-No!” I stammer, noticing his piercing gaze. “M-Maybe a little bit!”

Sighing, he looks back down at the paper. “You can’t answer “maybe a little bit’ to a yes or no question…”

_I can’t tell him I couldn’t find the energy to literally just drag a pen across the page last night; he’ll think that’s pathetic._

“I, um, I forgot to finish it last night…”

“I guess that makes me feel a little bit better about my own poem…”

“Hey! Don’t be a meanie!” I frown, pulling my arms behind my back. “I really did try my best!”

“I know, that’s not what I was trying to say…I meant, it sounds like you. Especially that last line about breakfast…”

“I had toast with honey on it!” I beam, swaying side to side happily.

“You had time to do that…?” He asks skeptically.

I put my hands on my hips, and pout. “It’s bad to skip breakfast! I get all grumpy if I’m hungry…”

_‘Grumpy’ might not be the right word… ‘Difficult’? ‘Even worse than normal?’ ‘Even lazier’?_

“Whatever you say, noodle-head…” he smiles, handing me back my poem. “But thanks for showing me.”

“Yeah! I know I forgot last night, but I’ll be ready next time!”

I pump my fist in the air. “I’m gonna write the best poem ever!”

“I’ll look forward to that,” he grins, then turns away to share his poem with Natsuki.

Well, I managed to write a poem that wasn’t absolutely dreadful. Even if I don’t think it’s very good, Emery said he liked it. But did he genuinely enjoy it, or is he just saying that to spare my feelings? Earlier he said people wouldn’t tell me if I looked scruffy because they pitied me and didn’t want me to get sad. Is this one of those times?

I can totally understand if that’s the case; I wouldn’t want him to feel guilty because of something bad that _I_ did…

I glance over to Emery and Natsuki. The two seem to be having quite an animated conversation, with her face shifting between disapproving and proud between sentences. I’m not going to eavesdrop on them though; other people’s conversations aren’t any of my business. I’m just happy that the two of them seem to be getting along so well…

Out of nowhere, I feel another thumbtack glide across my heart. _Why does it hurt when I see him smiling so sincerely when he talks to her…?_

I shake my head, and tuck my poem back into my notebook. _I’ll wait patiently until everyone else has shared._

I know how awkward it can feel to be the last one to share their work, and I don’t want any of them to have to front that burden. I’ll gladly take the fall for them if it’ll make them more comfortable.

However, Monika strides over to me, and leans forward. “Hey there, Sayori! Are you having fun?”

I jump slightly; I wasn’t expecting her to talk to me. “O-Oh! Monika! Yeah, this is so cool! It’s like everyone’s sharing a part of themselves!”

“That’s a good way of thinking about it,” she smiles. “On that note, would you like to exchange poems?”

“Sure! Although I already know yours is going to be awesome!”

“Heh, well give it a read…” she says, taking my page.

 

_‘Hole in the wall’… that’s kinda funny!_

_Wait… this…_

_This poem is amazing. It makes me feel things I didn’t know were tangible._

“Monika… You already knew this, but this is, like, wow! It makes me question my very reality!”

“I think you’re going a bit over the top there…” she laughs, waving her hand at me.

“No, I mean it! I know it’s a bit abstract, but it’s almost as though you’re wrestling with the very idea of what it means to exist! Especially at the end there; your subject thinks that they know their world, but it gets totally flipped around on them!”

“I… that’s a surprisingly deep interpretation, Sayori.”

Monika looks stunned, which means one of two things: I either hit the nail right on the head, or I flew so past the point that I landed halfway through next week.

“Heh, but that’s just how I saw it, y’know?” I say, trying to justify myself in case I got it totally wrong.

“No, I understand what you’re saying… I like your interpretation.” She smiles politely.

“Now, if I had to take a guess with your poem…” she holds the paper in her hands, and taps at it as though it were an important document, “are you trying to describe something that brings you joy? Or, dare I say, someone?”

“Wh-what? No, I couldn’t write anything meaningful like that!” I say, rubbing the back of my head.

“It’s just a thought I had whilst reading it, that’s all. I think you should give yourself more credit though, Sayori.”

“Eh? What do you mean?” I cock my head.

“I couldn’t help but overhear how you put yourself down whilst discussing your poem with Emery. You’re a better writer than you think, you know? And I don’t think anyone would just say that without any meaning.”

“Anyway, it’s just something to think about. Thanks for sharing!” She says, before turning away.

_Monika’s so awesome… even when she’s just saying things to make me feel better, she can make it sound like she actually means it._

Looking around the clubroom, I notice Emery has just finished sharing with Yuri, who timidly walks over to Natsuki.

I know they have very different writing styles. _Hopefully that won’t be too much of a problem for them…_


	10. Please don't fight! It makes me sad!

**Chapter the Tenth – Please don’t fight! It makes me sad!**

Yuri and Natsuki trade papers, and read over them. Whilst Yuri’s expression remains mostly calm, Natsuki furrows her brow, apparently confused.

The two begin to quietly exchange comments with each other.

_It’s nice to see some peaceful, friendly discussion between two aspiring writers. As they exchange mutual advice and respect for each other, they can grow into-_

“Did you completely miss the point? It’s clearly about giving up. How is that cute?” Natsuki shouts.

_And there it is; I spoke too soon._

“I-I know!” Yuri responds, taking a deep breath. “I-I’m sorry… I just wanted to say something nice…”

“You mean you have to try _that_ hard to come up with something nice to say? Thanks, but it really didn’t come out nice at all!” Natsuki scoffs, folding her arms and turning her head away.

_Oh dear… please calm down guys…_

“Well, I do have a couple of suggestions…”

Natsuki raises an eyebrow, looking up at Yuri angrily. “If I wanted suggestions, I would’ve asked someone who actually liked it. Which people _did_ , by the way!”

She looks around the room quickly before returning to Yuri.

“E-Emery liked it! And, uh, Sayori did too!”

_For shame, Natsuki! I’m sure I’d love your poem, but you shouldn’t lie like that! At least let me read it first!_

She glances over to me for a split second, her eyes ever-so-briefly shifting from anger to guilt. Just as swiftly, she turns back to Yuri, and puts her hands on her hips in an attempt to make herself look bigger and more threatening.

“So based on that, I’ll gladly give you some pointers of my own! First-“

Yuri calmly raises her hand to stop her, closing her eyes. “Excuse me, but I’ve spent a long time establishing my style. I appreciate your willingness to help, but I don’t expect my style to change unless I come across something _particularly_ inspiring…”

“Which I haven’t yet,” she says, opening her eyes and nodding for effect. Natsuki recoils, as though Yuri’s composed comeback threw her off.

“Oh, and Emery told me that he liked my poem as well,” she continues. “He even went so far as to say that he was impressed by it.”

_Emery… did I make a mistake bringing Emery to the club? We had a happy little group of four, and I upset the balance… please forgive me, everyone,… I didn’t mean for this…_

Natsuki smirks, and looks at Yuri through the corner of her eye. “I didn’t realize you were so invested in trying to gain our new member’s approval!”

Yuri coughs, unsure of how to react. “Th-That’s not…! I think you’re jealous that he appreciates my advice more than yours!”

She folds her arms, and shakes her head slightly to free a stray lock of hair.

“What makes you so sure of that?” Natsuki retorts, “Are you that full of yourself?”

“Of course not! If I _were_ , I’d go out of my way to make everything I do overly cutesy, like one of your manga characters!”

 

_Oh heck, I really don’t like where this is going… perhaps I should say something…_

I wander over to the two of them, trying to plead with my eyes for them to calm down. “Is everyone okay over here…?”

 

Neither of them seem to notice me. Natsuki pulls back, then points directly at Yuri, as though presenting her decisive evidence in this classroom trial.

 

“Well, I wasn’t the one whose boobs magically grew as soon as Emery started showing up!”

 

Yuri gasps, and grips at her arm behind her back. All of us are stunned; I don’t think anyone expected to hear Natsuki say that. Monika now joins us, and attempts to diffuse the situation.

“Come on now Natsuki, that’s a bit-“

 

“This doesn’t concern you!” Natsuki snaps back. _Oh gosh, why is this happening? If only I’d made a more proactive effort to talk to them about their writing, we could’ve avoided all of this…_

“I don’t like fighting, you guys!” I exclaim, waving my arms. _Why can’t they hear me? I don’t want them to be mad at each other… I just want to go home and try to forget about this…_

Her face burning a bright red, Yuri dithers a little before turning to face Emery, who’s now also standing close by.

“Sh-She’s just trying to make me look bad!”

Natsuki runs a hand through her hair. “That’s not true! If she could just get over herself and learn to appreciate that simple writing is more effective, then this wouldn’t be happening right now!”

A newfound determination sparkles behind Yuri’s eyes. Her preferred literary style is something she hold very dear; whilst she’s more than willing to let attacks on her person slide, goodness knows what happens to those who question her love of the written word.

“Hold it!” She shouts, holding her hand out in front of her. “There’s a reason we have such a vast array of words in our language! How else can we truly convey our deepest feelings? Avoiding them is just needlessly handicapping yourself!”

She pivots around on her heel. “Surely you can relate, Emery?”

Emery looks very uncomfortable, his eyes darting back and forth between Yuri and Natsuki. This is all my fault; if I hadn’t forced him to come here, he wouldn’t be in this situation now. He’d probably be happily sitting at his desk, going through a bowl of his favourite ramen whilst watching the fifth consecutive episode of a brand new anime.

But of course, that’s not how the world works. Because I was selfish, I’ve put him in a really awkward spot, where he now has to choose between appeasing one of my friends, but upsetting the other. Because of me, one of them is going to end hating him.

He looks at Yuri, then Natsuki, then me, then Monika, and lets out a deep sigh.

_I’m sorry, Emery… I hope you can forgive me for this…_


	11. You're my friend! I hope things are okay!

“Sayori!”

Emery yells out for me suddenly, making me jump.

_Yep, here it comes; he’s about to tell me I made a mistake bringing him here. I suppose it was a good 24 hours or so whilst-_

“Y-Yeah, That’s it! You guys are making Sayori uncomfortable!”

_Huh?_

“Why are you fighting when you know how it makes her feel?”

I wasn’t expecting _this_. It’s a nice surprise; I almost forget that he’s just saying it to get me to stop being so annoying.

Natsuki huffs, folding her arms. “Well, that’s her problem! This isn’t about her!”

Yuri nods. “It’s unfair for others to insert their own feelings into the conflicts of others.”

“Unless she wants to tell Yuri what a jerk she’s being,” she says hurtfully, jabbing her thumb towards Yuri.

“Excuse me? It’s your immaturity that’s upsetting her in the first place!”

_Oh gosh… this isn’t going to end, is it? If only I wasn’t here, then Emery wouldn’t have tried to make me feel better, and they wouldn’t be mad at him._

“Are you kidding me?” Natsuki balks, placing a hand on her chest, “are you listening to yourself right now? This is exactly why nobody likes-“

“Guys!”

I shout, interrupting her. Everyone looks towards me with expectant eyes.

“You guys are my friends! I just want everyone to be happy and get along with each other…”

_Even if it’s selfish, I want them to be happy… if they can be happy, then I can be happy…_

“I love you guys _because_ of your differences!” I say, turning to face Natsuki. “Your poems are amazing because they say so much whilst saying so little! And Yuri, your poems create these beautiful images in your head!”

Natsuki looks down, tapping at the floor with her foot. Yuri is staring off to the side, a shameful expression painted on her face.

I turn to gaze out of the window, watching the clouds float by.

“All of you are so talented…” I sigh wistfully. “so why are we fighting?”

_I should probably try and bring the mood back up a bit… I can’t keep making people feel so down all the time!_

“Also!” I say confidently, turning around on my heel, “Natsuki’s cute, and there’s nothing wrong with that!”

Natsuki raises her hand as if to say something, but ultimately decides against it. _How are you so effortlessly adorable?_

“And Yuri’s boobs are the same as they always were! Big and beautiful!”

I hold my clenched fist against my chest, striking a power pose. I think I’ve successfully stopped the conflict from bubbling over into something we can’t recover from, and that’s a victory.

“I-I’m going to make some tea…” Yuri says, blushing a bright red. She dashes past everyone and collects the kettle without even stopping to look for it, then runs out of the room. Natsuki rubs her shoulder, then walks slowly back to her desk, flopping unceremoniously down into her chair. She stares blankly at the wall in front of her. _She looks like she could use a friend…_

I drift over to her and clear my throat to try and get her attention, but she doesn’t notice me. Reaching forward, I wave my hand in front of her face.

“Helloooooo?”

She flinches, almost leaping out of her chair. However, she soon calms down, and raises an eyebrow at me.

“Eh? What do you want?”

“Well…” I say, pressing my fingertips together, “I just wanted to, y’know, check in with you, I guess? You seem a little bit on edge today…”

_Hopefully that didn’t sound too mean… I really meant for that to sound supportive…_

I place my hand on her arm, but she pulls her arm back immediately, wincing as though she was hurt. I probably shouldn’t have done that; I know some people just don’t like to be touched. Her eyes dart around like little hummingbirds, unsure of where to look.

“Ah! Oh, uh, yeah!” She stammers awkwardly, “No, yeah, I’m fine! I guess I’m just not used to sharing my writing like that yet…”

I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something she’s not telling me, but I don’t want to make her uncomfortable by pressing her. I suppose the best thing I can do right now is to simply let her know that I’m here for her, for what little that’s worth.

“Hey, if you ever want to talk about anything, you let me know, yeah? It makes me sad when I see a little raincloud floating over my friends.”

“Th-Thanks…” she stutters, a tiny smile forming from the corner of her mouth. _I hope that’s a genuine smile…_

Regardless, I think I managed to make her feel at least a little bit better, which means I’ve done my job. I wave to her and skip away, humming a silly little tune.

 

“Okay, everyone!” Monika calls from the other side of the classroom, gaining our attention. “It’s about time for us to leave. Did you all enjoy sharing your poems?”

“It was so fun!” I giggle. Even if I’m a terrible writer, it was wonderful seeing how talented everyone else was.

“I-I suppose it was a unique experience…” Yuri mumbles. _I wonder if she’s referring to writing her poem, or to today’s meeting as a whole._

“It was alright. Well, mostly…” Natsuki says, rubbing her shoulder shyly.

“It was kind of neat to hear everyone’s perspective,” Emery says candidly. I’m happy that he seems to have had a good time today.

“Awesome!” Monika says, smiling. “Then let’s do the same thing for tomorrow! Write a new poem to share with everyone at our next meeting!”

With the meeting adjourned, I drift over to Emery. “Hey, you didn’t have to do that earlier, you know?”

“I know I didn’t _have_ to, but someone’s got to look out for you, you noodle-head,” he grins.

“Whatever you say, numpty…” I laugh. “Anyway, do you want to walk home together?”

“Hmm…” he places his hand on his chin, pretending to stroke an invisible beard. “…I suppose I’ll allow it…”

I playfully punch him in the arm, and the two of us start heading home.


	12. I'm going for a walk! It'll be relaxing!

**Chapter the Twelfth – I’m going for a walk! It’ll be relaxing!**

I walk with a slight spring in my step, humming to myself. Emery matches my pace, looking around at nothing in particular.

“It was really kinda cool to see how easily you were able to diffuse that argument earlier,” Emery says suddenly.

“Huh?” I reply, confused. “Wasn’t it you who pointed out I didn’t like them fighting? If you hadn’t mentioned that, nothing would’ve happened.”

“But in the end, it was you who actually did something about it. It was nice to see. You’re all grown up now, and are fighting for truth and justice throughout the galaxy!”

 I giggle at the silly mental image. Emery was really into space as a kid, and we’d often pretend we were cruising through the stars, exploring uncharted planets and spreading kindness to the farthest corners of the universe. Although nowadays I’ve traded my ray gun in for a simple pen, and rather than skipping between cosmoses, I struggle with the toughest force known throughout the entire solar system; my heavy eyelids fighting against the warm hold of my bed every morning.

 

“But seriously though…” he clears his throat, turning to me.

“What’s up?”

He shifts awkwardly, as if trying to pick his words carefully. “About what happened earlier… with Yuri and Natsuki… does that happen often?”

“Eh? No, of course not! I think today they just felt a bit off kilter, you know?”

_I hope that didn’t make a bad first impression on them; they both amazing people, and it’d pain me so much to hear that he doesn’t want to be around them anymore._

“You don’t… hate them, do you?” I ask, looking at him with wide, pitiful eyes.

“No, nothing like that,” he responds, waving his hand, “I just wanted your opinion, that’s all.”

He smirks, and lets out a contented sigh. “I can see why you’re friends with them.”

_Oh thank gosh… I’d die if he didn’t want to get to know them better._

“Y’know, Emery…” I turn away from him, looking straight ahead of me. “I’m really glad that we get to spend more time together. But I think seeing you get along with everyone is what makes me the happiest.”

I show him a big smile. “And I think everyone really likes you, too!”

He raises his hand to say something, but can’t think of anything, and simply shakes his head. It’s true though; I know that when he’s around me, he’s simply trying to placate me. Seeing his interactions with the other club members, and how genuinely happy he looks as he talks with them about their poems…

_It makes me… happy… he deserves to be around good people…_

“Every day is going to be so much fun~” I grin, twirling around.

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to see what the future holds, eh?” He smiles, placing a hand on my shoulder. I don’t know why, but it’s… really comforting. _I kind of want him to do it more often…_

“Well, looks like this is my stop,” he says, just as we pass his house. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Of course, silly! Make sure you write a really good poem for tomorrow okay?” I waggle my finger at him.

“Whatever you say, noodle-head…” he laughs, before turning into his house. He turns around to give me one last wave, then steps inside.

_I’m not sure I want to go home just yet…_

Normally I would throw the door open and either have a nap, or have a bowl of cereal for dinner. Whilst cereal isn’t really a healthy option for dinner, I usually don’t have the energy to put a big amount of effort into something. _Maybe I can ask Emery to make me something…_

_No, he’s busy now. If I keep distracting him, he won’t be able to focus on impressing the others._

I briefly enter my house, and fetch a brightly coloured kite from a cupboard in the kitchen. Closing the door behind me, I start to make my way towards the beach.

It’s still fairly light outside, and the seaside has a cool, refreshing breeze kicked up by the waves; it’s the perfect place to go and fly a kite. Emery and I would go down to the beach when we were kids; kites in tow, we’d run along the sand and release them, allowing them to swirl about in the sky. Sometimes, on particularly bad days, I like to think back to those times; just two kids, laughing at nothing, simply enjoying each other’s company.

_Things were so simple back then…_

 

When I arrive, the beach is relatively empty. It’s to be expected; it’s early evening on a weekday. The only other person is too far away to really make out, simply standing at the shoreline.

_Whatever. I’ll try to not disturb them._

I unravel my kite, and start running along the beach. As I pick up speed, there’s wind resistance building up, and I let go of the kite. Still running, I allow more and more string to become loose, until the kite is now proudly souring several metres in the air. Slowing down, I gently tug at the string to maintain its height, and allow it to guide me along the sandscape.

I slowly meander along the beach, not really paying attention to where I’m going. There’s something nice about reliving these old memories, but it carries a sort of sadness alongside it. It’s like I’m happy to remember those good times, but sad that they don’t really happen anymore. I guess if I had to describe the feeling in a word, it’d be bittersweet.

I lose track of time, and realize I’ve gone a fair ways along the beach. The person from before is still there, but I’m close enough that I can get a better look at them. Actually, I think I recognize them… Isn’t that…

“…Monika?” I call out, holding my kite steadily with one hand. The person suddenly jerks their head upright, as if startled by my voice. They turn around to face me, and tilt their head at me. Sure enough, it’s Monika, standing alone by the shoreline.

“Sayori? I didn’t expect you to be out here tonight…” she muses.

“Yeah, but, y’know. I kinda just wanted to fly a kite today!” I grin, walking up to her.

“Is that right…?” she says softly, closing her eyes and turning to face the waves again. The sea is calm, the only sounds coming from the light, mixing water.

I raise my eyebrow at her. “Is everything okay? You seem a bit distant… do you need a friend?”

She laughs to herself, then looks at me. “Oh, no, it’s nothing like that, but thank you. I just came down here to think about things…”

I look at the string in my hand, then back to Monika. “Umm… Would you like to have a go? It might cheer you up a bit.”

“You know… I think I might actually…”

She hesitates, but then reaches over, and takes the string from me. She gazes up at the kite wistfully, watching it twist and turn with the wind. For a few minutes, the two of us simply stand along the shoreline, watching the kite. Monika giggles to herself, then returns the string to me.

“I must admit, that did make me feel a bit better. Thank you Sayori, this… was a pleasant surprise.”

“Yay! I’m glad you liked it!” I pump my fist in the air in victory. “You should get a kite too, and then we can fly them together or something!”

“Maybe I will…” she says, smirking. “Anyway, I think I’ve been here long enough; I really should think about getting back. I’ll see you tomorrow at the club meeting, right?”

“For sure! Bye Monika~!” I beam, waving at her energetically. She flashes me another smile, then turns around to leave.

_I suppose I should think about heading home too…_


	13. I'm home! Did you miss me?

I lazily push the door open, and drop the kite by the door. I’m about to head towards my room, but my stomach growls impatiently.

I suppose I should eat _something_ , or else I won’t be able to concentrate on writing a poem for tomorrow.

Instinctively, I reach up for a box of cereal, but pull my arm back. _What are you doing? You can’t keep having cereal for dinner!_

“But it’s tasty and easy to make…” I say softly to myself.

_Well, yeah, but you’ll run out of cereal if it’s all you eat for every meal! Then what will you have for breakfast?_

I think back to earlier today, when Emery told me I’d start a house fire if I tried to cook again. _Maybe I can try something simple…_

I fill up a small pot with water, and place it on top of the stove. I heat the water to a boil, then bring it down to a light simmer. Opening the fridge, I retrieve a single egg and plop it into the pot.

After setting a timer for a few minutes on my phone, I place a single piece of bread into the toaster, and wait with my thoughts.

_Today was kind of okay… Emery got to spend time with the others, and I don’t think I embarrassed him too much. And it was fun flying the kite with Monika down at the beach._

I should be thrilled, but I just feel kind of empty. _Is that not good enough for you? Do you not know a good day when you see one? How can you be so selfish? When you stop and wonder-_

I’m shaken out of my train of thought by the shrill alarm from my phone. I try to remember what I was thinking about, but it’s gone. _I’m sure it’ll come back to me later…_

Turning off the stove, I empty the pot and pull out my prize: a small, soft-boiled egg. After slicing the single piece of toast into segments, I add a small amount of salt, then carry the food up to my room. I flop down at my desk, and dunk one of the soldiers into the egg. The yolk is perfectly runny, and actually pretty tasty. Whilst it’s certainly not the most involved dish, an egg and soldiers makes a nice change of pace from the constant stream of cereal.

As I finish up my meal, I once again think about how Emery said I couldn’t cook. _Well you’re gonna look foolish tomorrow when I tell you about this! I made dinner all by myself!_

Even though it was a really simple meal, I still feel a little proud of myself. However, it’s soon replaced with a minor pang of guilt. _Come off it, Sayori. It’s only an egg and toast, you’re hardly making macarons or crème brulee or anything else that requires even the slightest amount of effort. Stop being so arrogant and focus on what you’re supposed to._

“What was I… oh, right!”

I barely remember, but quickly dash over to the kitchen to fetch my notebook, then abruptly drop it onto the desk. A lot happened today, so hopefully I’ll be able to write a good poem. _Well, ‘good’ might be a bit of a tall order… try ‘acceptable’… or at the very least, ‘not awful’…_

I shake my head, and start writing. _Why am I thinking this way? I had a good day, right?_

**Chime**

_The soft clicks of a music box_

_Gently fill the empty air,_

_Like tumbling pillows and knee-high socks,_

_Ever so soft, like crackling flares,_

_When I hear the fluffy notes,_

_I close my eyes and see your face,_

_Reaching for my comforting coat,_

_I’ll hide from you my bitter disgrace,_

_One by one, the noises drift_

_Like dandelion seeds in plastic chests,_

_Smiling eyes, my spirits lift,_

_But fleeting will can’t pass this test,_

_I want happy times for you,_

_I’ll stay home and cut my hair,_

_It’ll be okay, you’ll see soon,_

_This will be for the best._

I pick up the sheet and read over it. _Oof, that got kinda dark at the end there… that’s not good… I don’t want anyone to ask me about it…_

I slot the paper back into my notebook, exchanging it for a fresh sheet. There has to be a more imaginative way of depicting this theme, right?

“ _I pop off my scalp like the lid of a cookie jar… it’s the secret place where I keep all my dreams…_ ”

Everyone likes cookies; that’ll probably frame the rest of the poem in a warm light. Starting off with peaceful metaphors will help to counteract the less cheerful parts of the poem.

“ _Happy thoughts, Happy Thoughts, Happy thoughts in bottles, all in a row…”_

A nice mantra, to help when times get rough. I’ve heard people can beat sadness simply by pretending to be happy, in a kind of “fake it ‘till you make it’ sort of way. The best thing I can do right now is to keep on smiling, and making my friends happy.

“ _Sometimes my friend feels a certain way… down comes a bottle to save the day…_ ”

I think back to the aftermath of the argument, when I tried to tell Natsuki that she could confide in me if something was bothering her. Was I being too pushy? Was I being selfish, not wanting to see her upset?

I truly do enjoy making my friends happy; they’re all wonderful people, and don’t deserve to feel downcast. I might be a shambling, broken mess, but maybe their smiles can fix me.

“ _Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts in shards, all over the floor…”_

I notice my pen slow down as I draw out the final words of the poem.

“ _They were supposed to be for my friends, my friends who aren’t smiling… they’re all shouting, pleading. Something… But all I hear is echo, echo, echo, echo, echo… inside my head…_ ”

I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, but I actually don’t hate this poem. I think the gentle imagery forms a wonderful contrast with the ideas I’m hiding beneath them. I just hope the others see it that way.

_I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow…_


	14. Chapter the Fourteenth – It’s a new day! Let’s have some fun!

The walk to school is nice; nothing spectacularly amazing happens, but sometimes that’s a good thing.

I suppose I am kind of amazed that Emery still bothers to wait around for me every morning. He really needs to think about himself a little more; if he keeps hanging around until I can drag myself out of bed, he’s going to start being late as well, and that’s not good.

As if reading my mind, Emery turns to me quizzically. “Hey, Sayori…”

“Hmm?”

“I was wondering… when do you usually go to bed?”

I squint back at him, raising my chin. “Who wants to know?”

He chuckles quietly. “Well you sleep in all the time… I was just wondering if you stayed up late a lot. I mean, I usually stay up pretty late, but I still manage to get ready and out of the door before you, you know? What are you doing up so late?”

Truth be told, my bedtime is pretty sporadic. I usually just go to bed once I’m unable to keep my eyes open any longer, rather than having a healthy sleep schedule. Whilst I like making everyone happy, it’s so exhausting; hearing everyone’s problems and trying to fix them whilst keeping my own insignificant issues shoved to the back of my head is super draining.

“I’m not telling!” I glance over at him from the corner of my eye, grinning.

“Well, I have a little bit of a trick that might help you get out of bed on time,” he says, returning my smile. “You should move your alarm clock to somewhere in your room that forces you to get out of bed to turn it off. So like, instead of just having your phone on your nightstand, you could have an alarm going off on your desk. That way, you can’t just reach over and silence it, and once you’re already out of bed, you’re probably not going to want to go back to sleep.”

On paper, it’s actually a pretty solid idea. In practice though, it’d never work. I already have trouble even getting myself to slide off the alarm from my phone. And even if I did get out of bed to turn the alarm off, I’d just flop back down onto my bed anyway.

“What about you though?” I ask, changing the subject, “Did you learn your lesson from yesterday?”

“Yes, mum.” He looks at me with pretend seriousness. “I’ve been saving the most recent episodes of my favourite shows to watch with breakfast. It’s a neat system; it wakes me up, and since it’s an allotted time, it stops me from dawdling too much.”

“But what if you get to a really good cliffhanger?” I gasp. “How do you make it through your classes, not knowing if the super robot ninja finds the ancient brand new thousand-year old magical cup of hot chocolate?”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “…what kinds of things do you think I’m watching?”

“I don’t know, but I’d watch that show. I love hot chocolate!”

“You’re so silly, Sayori…” he shakes his head. “Anyway, I have headphones with me so during break I can finish up the story.”

“I would normally just watch it throughout the day, sometimes into the earlier hours of the morning. But something about being part of your club…” he sighs, looking straight ahead of him. “I guess it makes me want to be a better person.”

“I think that’s wonderful, Emery! Although are you sure you’re not just trying to impress someone in the club?” I say half-joking, poking at his shoulder.

“Wh-what do you mean?” he says abruptly, as if I’d derailed his train of thought.

“If you want, I can put in a good word for you with the girls… I’m sure they’d love a chance to grow closer to you~”

I feel a quick pang in my chest as I say that, but I hastily dismiss it. _I can’t be selfish; I need to think about what’s best for Emery._

“Geez, I think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself, Sayori…” he says, a slight tinge of annoyance in his voice.

“Don’t worry, heh~” I beam. “I’ll see you at the club meeting, yeah?”

He nods, then hurries off to his class. _I suppose I should do the same…_

…

 

 

I don’t know why, but today felt like it took longer than usual to get through. I mean, it’s already hard for me to stay focused, but time just seemed to crawl along, probably being outpaced by a sea cucumber.

When I arrive at the clubroom, Yuri is the only other person present. She has a big book opened in front of her, and is studying it intently.

“Hey, Yuri!” I say gleefully, bouncing over to her.

Yuri squeaks in surprise, and closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. “P-Please don’t sneak up on me like that…”

_Look what you’ve done now; she was having a peaceful time and you ruined it. Way to go, you pickle._

“Sorry, ehehe…” I laugh, scratching the back of my head, “I didn’t mean to scare you… although you probably don’t get scared by much, huh?”

“Eh? What do you mean by that?”

“Well… you like to read a lot of spooky stuff, right?” I point down at the book on her desk, “I bet this here’s got all sorts of scary stuff!”

She lifts it up, looking over the cover. “O-Oh… I suppose so…”

I peer closer at the book, reading the title aloud. “ _The Libitina Project_... What’s it about?”

She turns the book over a few times before looking back up at me.

““Well, it’s a little bit difficult to talk about without spoiling things… but I guess the biggest overarching theme involves an unlikely group of survivors who escape the testing facilities of a ruthless cult. Through an unimaginable amount of hellish ordeals, they band together and attempt to build a resistance.”

_Gosh… that sounds exciting! I wonder what it’d be like to be part of a big group like that, fighting for justice…_

“Woah!” I say with wide eyes, “That’s intense!”

She smirks, looking back down at the book. “I-I guess it is, isn’t it…?”

“How did you get into all of this stuff anyway?” I giggle, covering my mouth with my hand. “Are your family also fans of it?”

I am curious where Yuri got her interest in horror from… she’s so kind and gentle, it really doesn’t seem to fit her personality.

“N-Not really no… but I still find myself drawn to it…”

_Ah, so good old ‘I just like it’._

“Well, that’s okay!” I beam at her. “We all have little things that others might find weird. Take Emery for example; one time, I found his-“

As if on cue, Natsuki and Emery walk through the door, cutting me off.

_Aww, that was about to be a really funny story! But I guess it can wait until later; for now, I have other plans…_


	15. It's my fault! I'll accept the ret... rev... the outcome!

I bound up to Emery, clasping my hands behind my back.

“Hey!” I exclaim emphatically, “I was looking for you!”  


“Oh? Why’s that?” He asks curiously.

“Well, I was wondering if you’d like to come with me to buy a snack.”

I hate to put him on the spot, but I’m actually pretty hungry. My want for food is kind of weird; sometimes I just don’t want anything, and sometimes I want _everything_. However, I foolishly spent all of my money on pudding cups earlier. Emery’s a caring person, so hopefully he’ll take pity on me and buy something we can share.

 

I touch the tips of my fingers together, and try to look as endearing as possible.

Emery taps his chin a few times before shrugging. “Nah, I’m good.”

 

_E-Eh?! He said no?!_

I step back, gasping in shock. “What? That’s not like you a-at all!”

He raises his head and looks at me through the corner of his eye, smiling. “I have my reasons… why don’t we take a look at your purse, Sayori?”

 

_Oh, biscuits. He’s going to figure it out._

 

“W-Why that all of a sudden?” I say sheepishly, shuffling my feet along the floor.

He sticks his hand out to the side, as though he were swirling an imaginary glass of brandy. “Eh, no reason in particular. I just think we should have a look.”

 

_Well, there’s no going back now. All I can hope is that he won’t be too hard on me._

I reach into my bag and pull out my purse. It’s small, and decorated with different designs. Both feature a silly little creature called Powalen, a fluffy friend that can change its appearance based on the weather. The front side has it smiling in the sunshine, whilst the back shows it frowning in the middle of a rainstorm.

I undo the latch and look up at Emery. He nods stoically, and I tip the purse upside down. A lonely coin leaps from the purse, rattling against the desk in front of me. Emery folds his arms, grinning smugly.

“E-Ehehe…”

“Gotcha!” he shouts, shifting his stance into a pose straight out of an anime.

“You meanie!” I cry, flustered, “How did you know?”

 

Emery taps at his forehead, then snaps his fingers. “Elementary, my dear; if you had enough money, you’d have already bought a snack. So either you’re not hungry and just wanted an excuse to take a walk, or you planned to conveniently forget that you spent all of your money so that I would lend you some!”

He takes a step forward, then points towards me triumphantly.

“But the other thing is… you’re always hungry, which leaves just one option!”

I stumble backwards, as if the sheer gesture is pushing me away.

“Kyah! Don’t make me feel guiltyyy!”

He sighs, resting a hand on his hip. “If you feel guilty, that probably means you deserve to feel guilty…”

 

_Ouch. That one physically hurt. It’s almost like a dainty needle just pressed into my chest._

Suddenly, I hear a soft laugh bounce around from the back of the room. Looking over, Yuri is quietly laughing to herself. After a moment, she realizes everyone else is staring at her, and she suddenly becomes nervous.

“Wait!” she panics, flipping through the pages of the book on her desk. “I-I wasn’t eavesdropping or anything! I just, umm…”

She picks up the book and runs her finger across the page, letting out an anxious laugh. “I, um, I read something funny just now!”

I put on the most pitiful face I can muster, with incredibly wide eyes. “Yuriiii… can you tell Emery to lend me some money?”

_I probably shouldn’t have done that. It’s not fair for me to bring Yuri into this when she had nothing to do with it._

Yuri stands up, and brushes her hair out of her eyes. “Don’t get me involved like that! Consider this a lesson in saving your money only for things you can responsibly afford.”

_But all the pudding cups… it seemed like a wise investment at the time… I had so many spoons, and they were all so tasty, and I had to have them!_

“To be honest…” she continues, “after pulling a mischievous little stunt like that, your suffering is fair enough retribution.”

Another little needle pokes through my heart. She sounds so stern… I don’t think I’ve ever heard her speak like this, which makes it all the more unsettling.

Suddenly, as though realizing how serious she must have sounded, Yuri blushes and stammers incoherently.

“I-I didn’t mean that! I-It’s just, my book-“

She holds up an invisible book and gestures towards the lines. It takes her a few seconds to realize that he isn’t actually holding her book anymore, and retreats into her long hair in embarrassment.

_I guess that makes me feel a little bit better…_

“I like seeing this side of you Yuri,”” I say, smiling. “I don’t see it often, but it’s fun!”  


Yuri is usually fairly timid and reserved, so to see her speak up for herself, however briefly, is really kind of cool. Emery must be bringing out the best in everyone.

_Yet all I can do is make people mad at me…_

 

“Th-There’s no way you could mean that…” Yuri says delicately, pulling her hair back way from her face.

“You’re right though,” I say, clasping my fist tightly over my chest. “I did something bad, and now I have to accept the revolution.”

“Don’t you mean retribution?” she raises a hand to correct me.

“Wait, what’d I say?”

She opens her mouth to say something, but stops herself. “N-Never mind… still, coming from you, I guess there’s a little devil in all of us, isn’t there?”

“Don’t let her fool you,” Emery says, stretching his arm out in front of him. “After all, you guys knew I was joining this club before even I did…”

_Ah! When you say it like that, it sounds like I’m some kind of criminal mastermind, moving things into place for my own gain!_

“B=But!” I stutter, waving my hand at him, “you wouldn’t have come if it weren’t for the cupcakes, so I had to trick Natsuki into making them!”

I’m about to continue speaking, but a round blur flies through the air, hitting me in the cheek.

I squeal in surprise, but catch the mystery item as it falls. _Is this… a cookie?!_


	16. Chapter the Sixteenth – Thank you Natsuki! This means a lot!

I hold the cookie out in front of me in disbelief. _I was hungry, and then I apologized, and then a cookie suddenly appeared?!_

_…I should do this more often._

“It’s a miracle!” I shout happily. “Is it because I paid my restitution?”

“Retribution…” Emery says blankly.

“Actually, that one almost worked,” Yuri smiles.

From the other side of the room, Natsuki stands up, a wide grin on her face.

“I _was_ just gonna give it to you, but then I heard what you said about my cupcakes! It was worth it to see your reaction though!”

I look back down at the cookie; it’s a sizable snickerdoodle, lovingly wrapped up in cling film. _She must have made this herself!_

I return Natsuki’s grin, and hold the cookie close to my chest, hugging it. _Yay! I got a little snack, and I’m gonna eat it~_

“Geez, just open it up already…” Emery says, shrugging.

I quickly unwrap the cookie, and take a huge bite. It’s delightfully sweet! I can taste the love that went into it, alongside the careful notes of sugar and cinnamon. It’s so wonderful that I can feel my pupils dilating from its flavour alone.

“Mmm! It’sh sho good!” I say gleefully, my mouth full. _Lalalalala, I have a cookie from my friend, and it’s really reall-_

“Aah! I big my tugu!”

I let out a sharp yelp, clasping my hand over my mouth. _Darn you, teeth! You win this time!_

Natsuki giggles, biting into her own cookie. “You’re going through a lot over just one cookie.”

It’s more than that though! It’s like, a symbol that you care about me! The fact that you went through that effort without me having to bug you about it goes to show that you’re a really great person!

I didn’t even do anything for you to deserve this… and you went through all the trouble for me… _I’m such a terrible friend… you shouldn’t have to put up with people like me…_

_Oof, where’d that come from? Get outta here, I’m trying to be happy!_

 

As the throbbing pain in my tongue subsides, I glance over at Natsuki’s cookie. It’s tantalizingly round, studded with shiny chocolate chips.

“Woah Natsuki! Yours looks really good too…”

Natsuki glances down at her cookie, then back up to me, her eyebrow raised.

“Can I try it?” I ask, tilting my head to the side.

I hope she doesn’t think I’m being greedy, or that I don’t like the cookie she gave me. I’m just really curious about how it tastes; I want to see why she picked that one instead of the one she gave me.

“Geez, beggars can’t be choosers!” she huffs, taking another bite.

I put on the cutest, most pleading face I can muster. Lowering my head slightly, I stare at her with my shiny, round eyes. “But yours is chocolate…”

Her expression softens for a moment before she shakes her head, and furrows her brow.

“Yeah, why’d you think I gave you that one?” she says, rolling her eyes.

 

  _I guess that means she’s standing her ground then. I should probably tell her at the very least that I appreciate the one that she did share with me._

“Fine… but I’m still really happy you shared this one with me. Thank you, Natsuki!” I bound over to her and lean in, hugging her from behind. I know that on the outside she doesn’t seem to like this sort of thing, but everyone likes hugs, right? I bet when she goes home, she gets warm hugs all the time, and that fills up her hug quota. There’s nothing wrong with having extra hug time in reserve though!

 

“Alright, Alright, I get it already!” She says, shifting a little as I hug her. She raises her arm up to try and pull free, lifting her cookie high into the air.

_…Dare I? I mean, it’s right there… But is it worth it?_

“…om.”

I lean forward and chomp into the cookie.

_…yeah, it was worth it._

It’s sweet, which was to be expected, but in a completely different way than the cookie that she gave me. Whilst mine was more of a consistent mix of sweetness, hers has pockets of flavour enhanced by the chunks of chocolate inside.

Natsuki glances back and forth between her cookie and me in complete shock. “H-Hey! What gives?”

I cover my mouth with my hand, putting on an exaggerated expression of guilt. Giggling, I skip away to the other side of the room. Emery and Yuri simply laugh as Natsuki looks on exasperatedly.

“Geez, you’re such a kid sometimes! Monika, can you tell Sayori-“

She blinks, then looks around.

“Wait… where’s Monika?” she asks, confused.

We all exchange glances, then peek around the room. It’s true; Monika isn’t here.

Yuri places a hand on her chin, deep in thought. “Did she tell you guys anything about her being late today?”

I shake my head, and Emery shrugs.

“I hope she’s okay…” I sigh, looking down at my feet.

I hope she didn’t get lost or anything! At this very moment she could stuck alone in the cafeteria with a smoothie, trying to find a straw and there’s no one there to help her! She’s doomed to an eternity of wandering around alone, calling out for someone to assist her with her blended fruit fiasco!

…nah, Monika’s smarter than that. She’d definitely ask for the straw when she bought it.

 “Of course she’s okay!” Natsuki says, comfortingly placing a hand on my shoulder. “She probably just had something to do today. She’s pretty popular after all…”

That’s true; I sometimes don’t understand how Monika could be friends with someone like me. She’s tall, elegant, beautiful and intelligent. She probably goes for jogs in the morning on her way to badminton practice, reciting composed verses from memory in at least three different languages.

Meanwhile, I can barely drag myself out of bed for a bowl of cereal. We’re from two different worlds, so what does she see in me?

I guess I _was_ the first person to show interest in her new club, and she might feel like she owes me for that for some reason. I still think anyone else would be a better Vice President than me, but that’s a topic for another time.

_So what else could keep Monika behind…_

Suddenly, it clicks, and I gasp. “Y-You don’t think she… she has a…!”

Of course! It all makes sense! Monika might be super well-liked and pretty, but until now she never indicated that she had a boyfriend or girlfriend or anything. I guess it’s possible that anyone she might’ve been interested in was a bit intimidated by her overwhelming level of smartness, popularity and attractiveness. But she’s finally found someone!

Yuri nods knowingly. “It wouldn’t surprise me. After all, she’s probably more desirable than all of us combined.”

“Eheh, that’s true…”

Natsuki and Yuri are both wonderful people, but if you lump me together with them, it’s natural that people would be driven away. As much as she might deny it, Natsuki is impossibly cute, and Yuri is strikingly beautiful. As for me, I’m a mopey sad-sack who can’t even brush my hair right according to Emery.

“Excuse me?!” Natsuki protests. _Oh right, that probably sounded like an insult to them… I didn’t mean that…_

As I’m about to explain myself, the door to the clubroom slides open, and Monika walks in.


	17. Let's go explore! We're on a mission!

“I’m so sorry everyone!”

Monika closes the door behind her, quickly moving towards us. “I didn’t mean to be late; hopefully you guys weren’t too concerned…”

 

_Oh, thank gosh! If Monika had left, that would’ve meant I’d be the new president; I’m not sure I could handle the responsibility that’d come with that._

 

I leap forward, and hug Monika tightly. “Guys! Monika chose the club over her boyfriend after all!”

“W-What on earth are you talking about?” Monika responds, patting me on the back and breaking out of the hug gently.

She’s probably a bit embarrassed about it still. _Either that, or she doesn’t want us to find out who the lucky guy or gal is. I’ll have to ask her about it later._

Before anyone can follow up, Emery jumps in. “Never mind all of that, where were you anyway?”

Monika sighs, as though relieved to have the subject changed. “Well, I guess I lost track of time. My last class was a free period, so…”

“Hold it!” Natsuki objects, pointing forward, “Wouldn’t you have heard the bell ring?”

“Well, I guess I didn’t hear it…” Monika chuckles to herself, scratching the back of her head. “I was practicing piano, you see…”

 

Woah, Monika plays the piano? That’s so cool! Did she compose a beautiful song to woo her crush? And now the two sit side by side, gently pressing the keys in perfect unison as they gaze longingly into each other’s eyes? I can’t handle it, the image is too cute!

When it comes to instruments, I’m kind of okay with the flute, but I couldn’t handle anything as awe-inspiring as the piano. I just mostly liked to doodle around with silly little songs when I was younger. In recent years I haven’t really touched it much. _Do Yuri or Natsuki play any instruments? We could start a new club where we’re a band! We could do all kinds of-_

_Oh, wait. We’re already in a club._

“I didn’t know you were also a musician, Monika,” Yuri says.

“Ah! Well, I kind of just started recently, you know…” Monika says sheepishly.

In an effort to encourage her, I grab her hand, shaking it around. “Woah! That’s awesome, Monika! You’ll have to play something for us sometime!”

“Perhaps once I’ve practiced a bit more…” she says, letting out an empty laugh. A blank smile plays across her face, as though she were trying to hide something from the world. She looks out of the window, then shakes her head and assumes a much more confident persona.

“So! I didn’t miss anything important, did I?”

“Nothing too major, just some mischief involving cookies,” Emery says, shrugging.

“Is that so?” Monika smiles, “I guess that’s just how the cookie crumbles, isn’t it?”

_Ooh! I get it! It’s a play on words, because it’s an expression, but we were also having cookies earlier! I love fun things like that!_

Natsuki clears her throat, staring at Monika in disbelief. “Was… Was that a pun?”

 

Monika giggles, placing a hand over her mouth. “Puns are literature, are they not? They involve careful word choice, and can also challenge one’s perspective. If you want to call Manga literature, why not puns as well?”

Natsuki pauses for a moment to try and think of something to say in response, but is seemingly unable to find it. She nods in agreement, and everyone disperses to do their own thing.

Since it looks like we have a little bit of time before we dive into our poems, I sway over to Emery, beaming.

“Hey there!” I grin, leaning over his desk.

“Hey yourself,” he says, returning my smile, “how was your cookie?”

“It was amazing! It was like I was eating a little daydream!”

I clasp my hands together in emphasis.

“Anyways, I was actually wondering-“

Emery raises his hand, cutting me off. “I’m not going to go get more snacks with you, Sayori. Natsuki’s cookie should’ve been more than enough.”

“H-Hey!” I protest, “I wasn’t going to ask about that! I was just wondering if you’d like to get some supplies with me from the classroom upstairs!”

He cocks his head at me curiously. “What kind of supplies?”

_Oh right, he probably doesn’t know._

“Art stuff! Like glue and crayons and glitter!”

“Isn’t this club more focused on writing though…?” he asks, extending a hand out in confusion.

“No, I mean to make posters with! Next week’s the festival, so I wanted to make posters to advertise the club!”

He looks to the side, then nods. “Sure, I’ll come with you. But I swear, if you try to make a detour to the vending machines…”

“I promise! This will be strictly official literature club business! Although a few extra snack cakes never hurt anyone…”

He folds his arms, looking at me sternly. His gaze seems to go right through me.

“R-Relax, I was only kidding!” I say nervously, waving my hands. He sighs and shakes his head, running a hand through his hair.

“Hey, Monika!” I call out to her from the doorway, “Emery and I are gonna go to the spooky abandoned classroom upstairs to get poster stuff!”

“Are you sure you know what you’re looking for? I’d be more than happy to accompany you instead…” Monika states matter-of-factly, placing a hand on her hip.

“But I wanted to take Emery on an expedition for arts and crafts!” I pout.

Monika laughs, and shifts her stance. “Heh, I was only kidding… but make sure you remember the poster paper, alright?”

“Uh-huh! I’ve got it all under control!”

 I reach over and grab Emery’s hand, and tug him out of the clubroom. I don’t know why, but his hand feels soft and warm… and there’s a tiny little rhythm dancing around inside me.

_We’re going on an adventure~!_


	18. It's just a bump! Don't worry about me!

I pull Emery by the hand and through the hallway. I can’t pinpoint it exactly, but there’s a warm nostalgic feeling in my chest, causing me to hum with a slight spring in my step.

“Hey, Sayori…” Emery suddenly stops, withdrawing his hand from mine, “What exactly are we doing for the festival, anyway?”

Each year, our school has what’s called “The Cultural Festival”! Every club in the school decorates their meeting room, and it’s a fun day where everyone gets to just have fun and not worry about anything school-related. Each club also usually puts on a cool event to potentially draw in new members, so it’s a great opportunity to express what makes the club so wonderful.

I wink at Emery. “Me and Monika have it all planned out! We’re gonna do a poetry recital!”

Literature is all about how words effect us; what better way to convey that than to recite our favourite pieces in front of everyone?

Emery stares back at me blankly. “No offense, but… that sounds pretty lackluster…”

_Why does it hurt when he says that?_

“You’re not thinking about it the right way!” I say, trying to hide my disappointment. It isn’t just about _reading_ our poems… it’s about _performing_ them!”

“Consider this…” I stand facing him with my feet apart, and raise my hand for dramatic effect.

“ _Between my feet, the last remaining flower beckons to me._

_I twist the stem, freeing it from its clinging roots,_

_Caressing the final joyous moment between my fingers._

_But to what end have I summoned this joy?_

_For now, when I look in every direction,_

_The once prosperous field before me_

_Is but a barren wasteland!”_

 

I gesture wildly, waving my hands for emphasis. Emery is speechless.

“See? We’re not just going to be saying words; we’re going to be bringing our poems to life!”

Emery laughs to himself quietly. “I’m sorry, I just can’t take you seriously after that poem. It doesn’t represent you at all.”

 

 _Ouch._ Another tiny thread glides across my heart. I honestly thought this poem did a pretty good job of summing up how I feel regularly.

“That’s mean, Emery!” I say, pressing my fingers together, “I’m really trying my best here, you know?”

“Hey, I know that!” He waves his hand at me, smirking. “I just meant it’s a pretty stark contrast to your regular cute self.”

“Don’t say that, it’s embarrassing!” I blush, rubbing my leg with my foot. “Although, I suppose that means I’m doing a good job~”

Oh gosh, I hope that wasn’t too on the nose. Like ‘boop, there’s more to me than you think!’

Can feelings boop you on the nose? I should look into that later.

Fortunately, Emery doesn’t press it. “I guess you are…”

 

I pump my fist in the air energetically, twirling around. “I’m so excited! The festival’s going to be so fun~!”

 

I skip down the hall a little before arriving at our destination.

“Look, Emery!” I say in a hushed voice, pointing to the side, “here’s our spot! Let’s commence the mission!”

I make exaggerated movements to look around for anyone else who might be in the halls, then carefully slide the door open. Chuckling, Emery follows me into the classroom.

 

I tiptoe towards the cupboard in the back of the room. I knock on it slightly, and slowly open it, pretending I’m cracking a safe.

“Let’s see what’s in the vault…”

What kinds of otherworldly treasures could be held behind these doors? Infinite wisdom? Untold knowledge? An elixir of infinite life, or perhaps a potion of true love? The answer to all of life’s most pressing questions?

“Crayons!” I squeal excitedly, I reach into the cupboard and open up the box, sorting through them all.

“Okay, that’s one down,” Emery says, “but don’t get distracted. We still need-“

“Hush, I’m trying to find my favourite colour!”

I really like the fun names they give some of the crayons. They have the classics like ‘orange’, ‘red’, and ‘blue’, but there’s so many others like ‘Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown’, ‘Bittersweet’, ‘Razzle Dazzle Rose’, and ‘Mountain Meadow’!

“Fine, at least move to the side so I can look for the poster paper…”

As he shuffles into the cupboard, I accidently drop one of the crayons.

“Oopsies! I’d better pick that-“

**_BAM!_ **

As I bend down to pick up the crayon, I smack my forehead into the shelf, and fall to the floor. On my way down, I bring all the crayons with me, spilling them everywhere.

“Owie Owie Owie…”

It hurts a whole lot. So much, in fact, that I might end up saying something rude.

“Heck!”

_Forgive me, I didn’t mean it!_

Emery turns around, his eyes wide with concern. “You okay?”

I hold my hand to my forehead in an attempt to ease the pain. “I think I bumped my head pretty badly…”

He crouches down to take a closer look at my injury. “Come on, let me see…”

Suddenly, he grabs me by the waist, lifting me out of the cupboard. Seeing the concern in his eyes… I don’t know why, but it gives me butterflies…

“You need to move your hands, Sayori…”

“But it hurts…” I whine.

He places a hand on my shoulder. “Come on, just for a second, alright?”

“O-Okay…”

I slowly release the grip I have on my forehead. He gently reaches forward, brushing my bangs out of the way.

“Yowch!” I yelp as his fingers graze my forehead.

“Sorry… but man, that’s gonna swell up. I should find you some ice…”

“Where would I even find ice right about now…?” he looks over his shoulder, muttering to himself. “I guess a cold drink would do…”

Oh gosh… I don’t want him to worry about me like this… I mean, I do like that he seems to care about me, but I don’t want to distract him any further…

“I-It's okay, Emery… I’m fine with looking like a unicorn…”

“What’re you saying?” he laughs, “I’ll be right back, okay?”

He pats me on the shoulder, and hurries out of the classroom. I press my hand against my forehead again, trying to scoop up the dropped crayons with my other hand.

_I’m such a klutz…_


	19. You're too kind! You'd don't have to do that for me!

After a little while, Emery returns to the classroom and hands me a bottle of apple juice.

“It’s nice and cool…”

I unscrew the cap and start drinking from it. It’s refreshingly cold, and has a delightfully sweet taste. _He remembered apple juice is my favourite! He must be trying to make me feel better…_

Emery steps back a little and shouts, catching me by surprise.

“Wh-What are you doing, you noodle-head?! It’s supposed to be like an ice pack! Y’know, for your head!”

_Oh… I guess that makes more sense… but I wanted more juice…_

“Ehehe… sorry, I forgot!” I giggle, pressing the bottle against my forehead. Already it starts to feel a little better, although the pressure still hurts a bit.

“Just how hard did you hit your head…?” Emery says, shaking his head.

“It stings…” I complain, scrunching my eyes up.

“Hopefully it’ll reduce the swelling a bit… you got most of the crayons cleaned up, so that’s good…”

He kneels down so I’m not looking up at him from the floor. His face looks soft and compassionate, kind of like when we were kids.

“Hey, Emery… this kind of reminds you of growing up, doesn’t it…?”

“Hm? How so?”

I look to the side, smiling shyly. “We used to play outside all the time, and you were so fast… I’d try to keep up with you, but I’d often fall behind, or not be able to climb what you could.”

“But sometimes, I’d have an accident and get hurt… and I’d cry really hard.”

I blush slightly, recalling a specific memory. One day, the two of us were playing in the park on a swingset. The two of us were happily swishing back and forth, and the third seat was occupied by a plush cow that I took _everywhere_ with me.

However, some mean kids came by and pushed me off the swingset and took my cow. I tried to get him back, but they held him just out of reach tauntingly, then tripped me up. I ended up getting a pretty nasty scrape on my leg, and it really hurt. I just kind of sat on the ground, bawling. I only wanted my cow back, y’know?

Emery though… he leapt up at the kid and tackled him to the ground, wrestling my cow out of his grip. He ended up getting punched in the face for his trouble, but all he cared about was trying to cheer me up. He held my cow up and put on a deep voice, waving its hoof at me as he pretended to speak for him.

“You’d rush over to me and try your best to get me to stop crying… It was almost like you blamed yourself and were afraid of getting in trouble if someone found out…”

“Heh, did I really do all of that?” he smiles warmly.

“Yeah… it was really nice…”

He places a hand on his chin. “I guess in a way, it was kind of my fault though… I’d often get wrapped up in my own games and forget to wait up.”

“Even right now, if I wasn’t rushing you out of the cupboard, you probably wouldn’t have dinged your head.”

Emery sighs, glancing off to the side with his head held down. I rarely get to see this side of him; he looks like he regrets not being more attentive, even though it was my clumsiness that resulted in this mess.

“Hey…” I speak softly, and he turns back to face me. “I don’t think you realize it, but you’re always thinking of other people… Even after all these years, you’re rushing to help me, even though I was just being a ditzy mess. You’re really quite a sweetheart…”

“D-Don’t call me that!” He blurts out. He turns slightly red, grabbing at the cuff of his sleeve. _Wait…_

“I guess when it comes to you, it just feels natural. Before I even know it, I’m treating you like that.”

He grins, shifting his stance slightly. “I guess when you’ve known each other for so long, it just happens…”

“Emery…” I smile genuinely at him, looking into his delicate eyes. “I’m so glad nothing’s changed between us… do you think it’ll be like this forever?”

It’s a bit selfish of me to admit it, but I really do like having Emery around. Even if I don’t deserve his kindness, he doesn’t hesitate to show it.

Emery looks out of the window, placing a hand on his knee. “Well, I sure hope so. It’s been this long already, right? I can’t imagine you ever changing, so my hopes are up.”

“Heh… that makes me so happy…”

The two of us stay silent for a minute or so. My head isn’t hurting so much anymore, and Emery is inattentively scratching at his sleeve.

“We should probably think about heading back downstairs… I wouldn’t want to make Monika worry about us, you know?”

“Good luck with that,” he laughs, pointing at my forehead. “She’s gonna see that bump either way.”

“Not if I hide it under my bangs~” I giggle, winking at him.

I jump up to my feet, but immediately regret it as the blood rushes to my head, making me feel dizzy and reigniting the pain.

“Kya-!”

Emery reaches a hand out in front of him. “Don’t stand up so soon after hitting your head!” He says quickly, but then pauses. “Well, I guess it’s too late now… how’re you feeling?”

“I think I’m okay… just a little lightheaded…” I say dozily, tottering around slightly.

“When are you not?” he chuckles.

“H-Hey, that’s not nice Emery!”

“Come on, you noodle-head, let’s get you back to the clubroom…”

He grabs me by the wrist and places my arm around his shoulder for support before then doing the same to me, and guides me back downstairs.

_Is this necessary? Probably not, but it does feel nice… I’ll let myself enjoy it while it lasts…_

 


	20. We're back! Did you miss us?

Emery slides the door open, and the two of us enter the clubroom. Monika heads over to greet us, a hand on her hip.

“Ah, good timing! I was just about to suggest we share poems!”

“Oh, fun!” I smile, tilting my head to the side. Unfortunately, the sudden movement shifts my bangs, revealing my ouchie from earlier.

“Gosh Sayori, your forehead…” she says, her voice hushed with concern.

“She’s fine, don’t worry about-“ Emery starts to explain, but I cut him off, giggling.

“I was playing with the crayons and smacked my forehead into the shelf!”

There’s a brief moment of awkward silence as Emery and Monika look at each other uncomfortably.

“… well, anyway!” Monika says, smiling politely, “were you two able to get everything we needed?”

“Yep!” I grin proudly, presenting the box of crayons and the-

_Where’s the poster paper?_

“Wha… Ahh! I left everything else upstairs!” I gasp, looking frantically around for the missing poster sheets. _Gosh darn it, why am I so unreliable? I bet if Monika had just come with me in the first place, we could have avoided this, and I wouldn’t be looking like such a gherkin right now, and-_

“Calm down, Sayori,” Emery says, holding up… _the poster paper!_

“I’ve got everything else right here,” he gestures to the stack of supplies tucked under his arm.

“Looks like you ended up doing all the work, Emery!” Monika laughs. I’d be lying if I said that remark didn’t hurt a little bit.

“Ah, well, Sayori…” Emery tries to come up with an excuse for me, but fails.

“I made it an adventure!” I titter.

“…yeah, that,” Emery nods, gesturing towards me.

“I see…” Monika says. “Well, good work you two! I’ll get to work on those posters tonight!”

“Me too!” I beam. Whilst I might not be the best artist, I think I can at the very least create an eye-catching poster.

“Okay, everyone!” Monika turns to address the whole club, “it’s time to share poems!”

Everyone pulls out the pieces they’ve written for today. I skip over to my desk and retrieve my own poem, and scan the room. _Who should I share with first…?_

Before I can decide, Emery shows up at my desk.

“Are you ready for today’s masterpiece?” He says, extending his paper out to me.

“Emery… are you avoiding the others?” I ask plainly.

“Eh? Of course not! It’s just…” he looks over his shoulder. Monika and Yuri are exchanging comments, and Natsuki is sitting by herself.

“Natsuki’s pretty direct with her comments, you know? I figured by starting with you, I’d be able to prepare myself for that…” he laughs shyly, scratching the back of his head.

“Oh… well, that makes sense!” I giggle, taking his paper. “But she’s really quite sweet, you know? You should try talking to her a bit more sometime; the two of you would get on much better than you might think~!”

He’d really be happy with Natsuki, I reckon. He would have someone he could indulge in anime and manga with, and I know I’ve seen Natsuki play video games before. She’s funny, an amazing baker, and way too cute. Me, on the other hand? I feel like a stupid kid who he has to pick up after. It must be so stressful to have to worry about me all the time like that…

“Whatever…” He shrugs. “Anyway, let me know what you think of today’s poem…”

I straighten out the sheet, and read through it intently.

**Amazing**

  
_Bed,_  
Joy,  
Charm,  
Cheer,  
Clumsy,  
Empty,  
Shame,  
Sing,  
Smile,  
Promise,  
Misfortune,  
Memories.

 

It’s pretty remarkable how quickly he’s gotten a hang of this. He’s even kind of cemented his own style as a bit of an abstract writer. It’s pretty short and simple, but still has a flowing story and some fun alliteration. _Natsuki would love this…_

 

“Emery…” I slowly look up at him, “I really love your poems. I can’t believe you’ve been hiding these from me!”

“But I really haven’t! This is honestly only my second poem…” he says dismissively, the self-deprecation strong in his voice.

“But your poems are sooooo good! You can’t tell me you haven’t done this before!”

“I mean, you’re really the only one who feels that way, so…”

I gasp in disbelief. “No way! Not even Natsuki…?”

Emery folds his arms contemplatively. “Well, I guess Natsuki is the least likely to admit how much she likes something… but I don’t think it’s that.”

“Eh? What do you mean?”

He closes his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I guess… how do I put this? It’s a lot easier to write poems when I’m thinking about you.”

“E-Eh? Wh-Wha-wha-wha!” I stutter incoherently. _What does he mean by that? He thinks about me when he writes? Did he write this for me? How much does he think about me? How does he think about me? Is it just like ‘oh my friend Sayori makes me happy’? Or is it something more? No, it couldn’t be that; no one could think about me like that. But earlier he-_

“Hey!” he snaps his fingers, bringing me back to the clubroom. “Stop thinking weird things, you noodle-head! I just mean that you’re… really expressive, I guess.”

Half-laughing, he shakes his head. “How am I supposed to write poems about my own stupid life?”

“But you…” he looks me in the eyes, smiling, “you somehow make everything in your life an adventure… even the little things.”

“Yeah, like cooking!” I swish my fist through the air emphatically.

“Let’s not talk about that…”

I giggle nervously. _I shouldn’t have brought that up…_

“I guess what I’m saying though, Sayori… is that I can feel more feelings through you than I can through myself. We kind of have that weird connection.”

He raises an eyebrow and tilts his head forward teasingly. “It’s your fault for getting in my business all the time!”

_Yeah, he and Natsuki would be perfect for each other. I can just imagine the two of them going back and forth trying to justify why they’re hanging out with each other, because ‘it’s definitely not like we like each other like that!’, until the two of them are alone and their feelings reach a fever pitch, and…_

I feel another light thumbtack embed itself into my heart.

“I’m not sure I understand, Emery…”

“You never do when I try to explain these things…” he smirks, then reaches out and pats my head. It feels… kind of comforting…

“Hey! I’m not a kid, you know!”

“Are you sure about that?” he grins.

“Ehehe… maybe~”

I fiddle with my pencil a little, and clear my throat. I don’t know why, but after hearing what he said, my heart feels like it’s beating faster…

“Hey Emery… will you give me your poem? I kinda want to keep it…”

“Huh? Why?” he looks back, confused.

“Eheh… because…it’s the first time you’ve written something for me…”

“Eh?! You completely misunderstood!” He protests, gripping at the cuff of his sleeve. “I didn’t write this _for_ you! But… I guess I’ll give it to you when we go home, okay?”

“R-Really?!” I jump up excitedly, but forget about the pencil in my hands. My sudden movement breaks it in two, the other piece dropping to the ground.

“O-Oh geez…” I mumble, bending down to pick up the broken pencil. However, I stumble forward, bumping right into Emery. _Another quick beat in my chest…_

“S-Sorry! I’m a bit clumsy today…” I giggle. Emery simply smiles back.

“It’s okay, I’ll get it for you.”

As he bends down, I notice I’m feeling a little… wobbly. Like my knees are made of pudding, you know? Maybe I really did hit my head harder than I thought…

“Let’s sit down, okay Sayori?” He says, guiding me into a nearby desk. “Before we get ahead of ourselves, I still need to read your poem, right?”

“Oh! Yeah, I forgot about that! But it’s nowhere near as good as yours!”

“You really worry too much Sayori, I’m sure I’ll like it just fine.”

I gingerly hand him my poem. _Hopefully he likes it…_


	21. Do you like it? Please say you do!

Emery carefully reads over my poem, his eyes tracing the words before snapping to the next line like a typewriter.

“Oh my god…you really weren’t lying when you said you were going to write the best poem ever yesterday…”

“Did you doubt that I could write something like this?” I say smirking, a single finger on my lips.

“Well, no, but… I just wasn’t expecting such powerful imagery.”

“I’ve learned a lot from Monika,” I say gleefully. “And I’ve been really in touch with my feelings recently…”

“I noticed…” Emery glances up and down the page again. “It’s almost a little unsettling…”

“Eh? How so?”

He sighs, folding his arms. “Well, perhaps that’s not the right word… I think it’s just because I’m so used to you being cheerful…”

Did I go too far? Maybe I should’ve focused more on fluffier imagery…

Emery shakes his head. “Eh, I’m probably overthinking things.”

_Phew._

“The point is, it came out good, so you should be proud of it!”

“Thanks, Emery… I really feel like I was meant to express myself this way… it even helps me understand my own feelings a little bit better…”

Is his compliment sincere? Or is he just trying to make me feel a bit better about myself? I try not to let my bad thoughts show, so it’s pretty unlikely to be the latter. Part of me wants to ask him for help, but I know that would permanently change things. I’d no longer be the happy little ball of sunshine that encourages him to do his best. I’d be forever rebranded as the mopey sad sack who can’t even pull herself out of bed on time.

It’s true that poetry has been a really great outlet for me though. I might not be amazing at it like the others, but I still enjoy it. It’s almost like I’m making those cloudy thoughts tangible by writing them down, which allows me to tackle them more head-on, you know?

“Writing is like magic!” I beam, twirling my finger around in the air.

“You’ve gotten pretty passionate about this, huh?” Emery grins. “I hope you keep it up.”

“Yeah! I’m gonna keep writing until I die!” I shout, my hands on my hips.

Whether that means I’ll be writing for years or just days, I’m not sure. I want to keep writing, because it allows me to do something productive with the rainclouds, but what if I lose so much energy that I can’t even write anymore? What if I don’t even want to face the world anymore?

…What if I’ve already have those kinds of thoughts?

_No, let’s not focus on that right now. We’re having a happy poem time with Emery._

“Don’t get too ahead of yourself there, Sayori…” Emery smiles mischievously. “Well, I’m going to go share my poem with someone else, okay?”

I nod enthusiastically. “Okay! Me too!”

He gives me a quick wave before turning away. _Right, who’s next…?_

I scan the room, and notice Natsuki sitting by herself in the corner of the room. _Natsuki likes fun things, so that’ll make me feel good!_

“Hey, Natsuki!” I cheer, bounding over to her. She sleepily looks up at me.

“Hey Sayo-WOAH! Your head!” She gasps, standing up quickly. “Who did this to you? What happened? Are you okay? Where do we have to-“

“Haha, it’s fine,” I giggle, cutting her off. “I was just with Emery and-“

“Emery?!” she scowls intensely in his direction, her body tensing up.

“Oh, no, no!” I wave my hands around, hoping to clear up the obvious misunderstanding. “I hit my head, and Emery helped me!”

“O-Oh, I see…” she says, relaxing her shoulders slightly. “W-Well, are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, it just stings a little. But thanks for looking out for me!” I lock my hands together and bow slightly. “You’re a real sweetie when you want to be!”

Natsuki turns her head away. “H-Hey! Don’t make it weird! I just have to check on everyone, y’know?”

“…you’re so silly sometimes, Natsuki!” I laugh. I know she tries to act tough on the outside, but she truly does care about her friends. _I wonder what it’d be like to live a day in her shoes…_

“Anyways!” I clap my hands, getting back on topic, “you wanna take a look at my poem?”

“Oh, right! Yeah, let’s see what we’ve got here…”

 

Natsuki looks over my poem. Her eyes widen noticeably as she gets further through it. Eventually she stops on the very last line, apparently reading it over and over again.

 

“Hey… you awake over there?” I ask playfully, snapping her out of her trance.

She rubs her shoulder nervously. “H-Hey, Sayori?”

“What’s up, friend?”

“This is… well, I don’t know. But it’s really good. Did you actually write this?”

I put on an exaggerated pout. “Meanie! Of course I did!”

“D-Don’t get the wrong idea! I meant, like, it’s good but… it’s pretty dark. I would’ve expected something like this from Yuri, but not you…”

Oh dear. I _did_ go too far. I knew I should have written it differently…

Natsuki clears her throat. “Um… are you doing alright, Sayori?”

Her question pierces through my chest, like a toothpick in a soft cheese. _I’ve got to think quickly, or else she’ll start to worry about me, and she doesn’t need that!_

“You’re so funny, Natsuki!” I laugh, waving. “Of course I’m happy!”

_Nailed it._

“Uh-huh…Well, I know you said to come to you if I was having a bad day, but, y’know…”

“What is it?” I ask, smiling at her.

“Agh, don’t look at me like that!” she says, scrunching her eyes. “I-I just meant, like, I want to help out too if you’re ever upset!”

I raise my hand to say something, but then stop briefly. _If she worries about me, that’ll bring her down, which will make me feel worse because I’m responsible for making her feel bad, which will make her feel even worse…_

_The best thing she can do for me is to focus on her own happiness. I don’t want her going home and not being happy because of me._

“Thanks, Natsuki. But I’m fine, see?” I pull a silly face, which makes Natsuki laugh. “Now, can I see what you wrote?”

“H-Huh? Oh, right…” she rifles through her notebook and pulls out her poem, handing it to me. I immediately start reading through it. _‘Amy likes spiders’? That sounds wonderful!_

 

…

 

_Natsuki… this is…_

The imagery in her poem is simple, but it speaks volumes. I don’t know who Amy might be, but as the poem goes along, we learn that she’s a really nice person who is judged poorly simply because she happens to like spiders. It’s a refreshing take on the whole “don’t judge a book by its cover” thing.

“Woah! This is so cool, Natsuki!” I exclaim, holding her poem up high. “It’s playful, but serious too! I feel it hitting me in the tummy, like a penguin!”

She looks slightly puzzled, but then smiles bashfully. “Come on, you’re just saying that to make me feel better!”

“Nuh-uh!” I shake my head vigorously. Too vigorously, making me a bit dizzy. “It’s really, really good!”

Natsuki raises an eyebrow at me. “Are you sure you didn’t hit your head too hard?”

“Ahhh! Emery!” I call out, “Tell Natsuki to stop being mean to meeee!”

“Hey, relax, I was only messing around!” she grins teasingly. I return her smile, and turn away.

“Well, thanks for sharing poems with me!”

And with that, I stride away. _That… actually went pretty well. I think I made Natsuki feel happy too…_

…

 

“Okay, Everyone!” Monika announces, strolling up to the front of the clubroom. “I have a little something extra planned for today, so if you’d like to please come to the front here with me…”

She spreads her arms out, gesturing towards the desks near the front of the classroom. _She must be referring to what we’ll be doing for the festival. I hope everyone is looking forward to what we’ve got planned…_


	22. What's the surprise? I can't wait!

Everyone makes their way to the front of the room as Monika requested. I stay a little bit behind everyone and work on colouring in the posters we’ll need. Monika had already put up fliers around the school, but these should be a bit more eye-catching.

Monika waves her hand to all of us from the front of the room. “As you all know, the school festival is next week, so-“

“The festival?” Natsuki interrupts. “Do we really need to do something for that? It’s not like we can get something good enough in time for it anyway…”

 _Have a bit of faith in yourself, Natsuki!_ I’m sure once she hears what we’ve got planned, she’ll change her tune.

“I-I’m concerned about that too…” Yuri says, gripping her arm. “I don’t do well with last-minute preparations at all…”

Come on, you guys! There’s plenty of time for us to put together a wonderful display for the festival!

I should probably explain that the festival aims to celebrate the various clubs in the school. Everyone creates a welcoming atmosphere to try and draw new club members in, and it’s supposed to be an awesome time filled with food and fun and friends!

Am I nervous about it? Well, yeah, but it’s like a happy nervous, you know? Like snowflakes dancing around in your tummy. I want to make sure my friends have a great time at the festival, and I’m sure giving them a platform to showcase their amazing poetry will be a lot of fun.

Monika notices Yuri’s hesitation, and smiles warmly. “Don’t worry, we’re going to keep things simple, okay? Sayori’s been working on some posters; I don’t think we’ll need much more than that.”

I smile at the mention of my name. Whilst I haven’t been doing these for too long, I just know they’re going to love the bright colours I chose!

“Meanwhile,” she continues, “I’ve designed some brochures that we can hand out to people during the event.”

 

 _The event…_ _aaahhh, it sounds so official~!_

Natsuki cocks her head in confusion. “I mean, that’s cool and all, but that doesn’t really tell us what we’re going to be doing.”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Monika gasps, placing a hand over her mouth, “I thought you’d heard about it already…”

She stretches her arms out wide, and grins. You can feel the excitement coming out of her. “We’re going to be performing! Each of us will choose a poem, and recite it to our guests! Sayori’s putting on our posters that audience participation will be welcomed, which could be wonderful for getting some new members for the club!”

I proudly hold up the poster I’m working on. It features a lot of warm colours, and is definitely attention-grabbing.

Despite our enthusiasm, Yuri’s eyes widen in fear.

“P-P-Performing?” she stammers out anxiously, wringing her arm as though it were a wet towel.

Natsuki is similarly displeased. “Are you kidding me, Monika?” she scoffs, pointing towards the poster I’m holding up. “You haven’t… put these posters up yet, right?”

 _That hurt a bit._ I thought I was doing a good thing…

Monika sinks a little in disappointment. “Well, yes…  I put up some fliers earlier, and we were going to hang the posters up once the meeting’s over. Do you really not like this idea?”

I was really hoping everyone would want to perform. Like I was saying to Emery earlier, poetry is so much more than just the words; it can help you put a picture to the indescribable, and allows you to show others what’s going on inside your head. And they’re all incredible writers; I want other people to see that. I just know that people will love whatever they bring to read.

“Well, i-its not that I don’t like it, but…” Natsuki say softly, “I didn’t sign up for this, you know? I can’t perform in front of people like that!”

“I agree!” Yuri says emphatically before shrinking down into her chair, embarrassed at how forcefully she spoke. “I couldn’t ever… do anything like that…”

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go at all. Monika was going to tell everyone about our plan, and I was going to show the posters to them, and everyone was supposed to be happy at the idea of sharing the thoughts that are most important to them. This was supposed to be a happy thing that gave them the opportunity to speak their minds, and maybe even find some new friends who share their ways of thinking.

“Wait a minute…” I start to say, but Monika raises her hand to silence me.

“No, it’s okay Sayori…” she sighs, folding her arms. “Remember, they’ve never shared their writing until a couple of days ago; it’s my fault for putting such high expectations on all of you. So for that, I am sorry.”

_Oh no, now Monika’s blaming herself. Why is this happening?_

“But!” she smiles, “I still think we can do this! If we put on a good show, we can inspire others to follow suit!”

She turns to Natsuki, looking at her encouragingly. “And the more people who perform, the better chances we have of showing everyone what we stand for!”

“Yeah!” I shout, pumping my fist in the air. Monika really knows how to sell something; I bet she could convince anyone to do anything.

“Literature’s about expressing yourself, and learning more about who you are!” I giggle. “It’s where you can get to know yourself on a deep, personal level… and also, it’s about having fun!”

“Thank you, Sayori!” Monika beams, before turning back to Natsuki. “Surely you want to share that with others? Don’t you want to inspire them as well?”

Natsuki tries to blend into her seat, scooting further down. _How is it possible for anyone to be this cute?_

“I know you do,” Monika says in Natsuki’s silence. “I know we all do. And if all it takes is standing in front of a room for two minutes and reciting a poem, then I know you’re capable of that.”

Natsuki glances over to Yuri, and the two look back and forth between themselves and Monika. It’s almost as though they’re trying to will the other person to break the ice, talking with only their eyes. Before either of them can make a decision, Emery clears his throat for attention.

“You know what, guys? I agree with Monika. I don’t think it’s asking too much, you know? Her and Sayori really seem to be trying their best to get new members for the club. The least we can do is help them out with that, right?”

Emery looks over to me and smiles. _Was he really thinking of me when he said that?_

“Okay, fine!” Natsuki says, pouting. “I guess I’ll just have to get it over with…”

 

“That’s the spirit, Natsuki!” Monika says with gratitude. “How about you, Yuri?”

“I-I guess I really don’t have a choice…” Yuri squeaks, peering through her long hair.

“Yay, that’s everyone!” I shout joyfully, jumping out of my desk. “You’re the best, Yuri!”

 

“This club is seriously going to be the death of me…” she sighs, smoothing out a long strand of her hair.

“Well, let’s all move onto today’s main event,” Monika laughs, “I want you all to pick one of your poems, and we can practice reciting them in front of each other, right now!”

_Oh cool! I didn’t know Monika was going to have us perform right now!_

Natsuki and Yuri, however, are less enthused.

“O-Objection!” Natsuki shouts, standing up and pointing forward at Monika.

“Th-This is too sudden, Monika!” Yuri stammers, her voice shaking.

Monika places her hands on her hips and tilts her head to the side. “If you can’t recite your poem in front of us, how will you do it in front of strangers?”

Yuri freezes, her pupils narrowing with fear. She lets out a tiny noise before diving back into her thick hair, like a dormouse.

_It’ll be okay Yuri, I promise. What if I went before you to lower the bar a bit? It might make you feel more willing to share._

“Eheh… Well, how about I start off to set an example? You might find it easier if you know what to do,” Monika chuckles.

_I’m excited. I’m going to get a glimpse into the kinds of poems everyone writes when they’re not doing it for the club!_


	23. Look at me perform! Hopefully it's not too bad!

Monika stylishly makes her way to a tall wooden podium set up at the front of the classroom, gently resting her notebook on top of it. Singing pleasantly to herself, she flips through the pages until she lands on something she wants to read.

“Alright,” she says, clearing her throat, “this one is called:

**The way they fly**

_Every evening, I look out upwards,_

_Trying to see them, hoping_

_That they will one day be able to_

_Return my wanting gaze._

_Rattling lines of cold numbers_

_Whirl around like determined crows,_

_Hungry for answers,_

_Desperate for purpose._

_Crackling ice, ruptured roaring,_

_Glimmering thoughts, freely soaring,_

_Flashing viridian in my eyes,_

_Hoping to see the way they fly.”_

 

I’m a little surprised at how short her poem is, but it doesn’t take away from the feelings behind it. Monika’s poems are kind of funny; you can tell she’s writing about wanting _something_ , but there’s always at least five possible things she could be referring to. Regardless, her voice is clear and sweet, like orange juice. I don’t know how she manages to be so awesome when she’s just being herself.

As she finishes up, she closes her book and bows. We start applauding, and she steps to the side.

“Do you want to go next, Sayori?” She turns to me.

Monika’s performance is going to be a really tough act to follow. Even without her poem to compare to, my own poem isn’t nearly as powerful. Still, it should make everyone feel better to know that, at the very least, their poems are more attention-grabbing than mine.

I start to sit up from my desk, but I’m interrupted by Yuri shooting out of her seat.

“I-I’ll go next!” She says quickly, rushing up to the podium. I can’t help but gasp; I don’t know what made Yuri want to read all of a sudden, but it’s so cool to see her pushing herself out of her comfort zone.

She delicately presses her notebook down onto the podium. “R-Right, um, this poem is called-“

Looking up from the podium, her eyes start to bounce between everyone in the room. _If only I’d been a little more proactive, I could’ve gone first to help her feel more comfortable…_

Her hands shake as she tries to regain control of herself. _If I can’t lower everyone’s expectations, I can at least try to cheer you on!”_

“You can do it, Yuri!” I shout, flashing her a wide smile.

“Y-Yes…” she nods, closing her eyes. “This piece is titled:

**Afterimage of a Crimson Eye**

 

_Shifting shadows, lingering thoughts,_

_Pleas from silent eyes distraught,_

_Hollow, sharp breaths give way_

_To corrupted chaos and disarray,_

_Pounding heads, daunting dread,_

_Primal fear of nightmares fed,_

_Ever so quiet but ever so loud,_

_Echoing snarls, cruel and proud,_

_Sanguine drops dot the floors,_

_Like stepping stones for remorse,_

_Howling beacons burn their souls,_

_Feverishly trying to regain control,_

_Hazy memories mixed with madness,_

_Fractured cries, distorted sadness,_

_Cataclysm calls for final measures,_

_Seeking out bleeding treasures,_

_Kindness lost in murky mist,_

_Ticking trials from terrified lists,_

_Blazing pain, begging to die,_

_When they see the crimson eye._

Whilst her voice is unsteady throughout the first stanza, her tone shifts immediately once she gets through it. Suddenly, Yuri is replaced with a powerful, confident young woman, commandeering the room with her words alone. I can’t look away as she performs, gesturing emphatically and no longer needing to read from her page. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Yuri speak with such drive in her voice; I’m totally speechless.

Once she speaks her final line, she places a hand across her chest, taking soft breaths before opening her eyes again. For a moment she remains silent, but then suddenly she flinches, and lets out a tiny squeak. She must’ve gotten so into her poem that she forgot she was presenting to all of us.

Emery starts clapping, and we all follow soon after. Yuri’s face burns a bright red, and she hurries to the back of the room, burying her face in her arms. She’s incredibly introverted, so pushing herself that much must’ve been incredibly draining. Still, she managed to do it, and did an amazing job. Between her and Monika, no-one will have to give a second thought to my piece.

_Speaking of which…_

“Okay, it’s my turn then!” I say cheerily, skipping up to the podium. The poem I have in mind is something I wrote when I was having a particularly downcast day. It felt like no matter how brightly I smiled, I couldn’t clear the thick, soupy fog that swirled around my head. However, I had managed to put this poem together as I tried to think of something that made me feel nice.

“This one’s called, um…” I start to speak, but find myself giggling. “Sorry, it’s kinda funny…”

When I get nervous, I start laughing. I’m not sure why; perhaps because I think it’ll make people around me feel more at ease, which in turn helps me feel a bit better. It’s hard to feel bad when you’re laughing, you know?

Emery tilts his head forward and raises an eyebrow, smirking at me. He’s probably picked up on what I’m feeling.

“Hey, it’s a lot harder than I thought it’d be, okay?”

“Try not to think of it like you’re reciting to other people,” Monika says, sticking her hand out, “imagine you’re just reciting it to yourself.”

Gosh, Monika’s so smart. This is why she’s president. Well, besides being the person who started the club to begin with.

“Okay then,” I say, taking a deep breath, “this one’s called:

**My Meadow**

_Sometimes, I get distracted_

_By wandering rivers held up high,_

_Behind my eyes, like plays enacted,_

_Pebbles tumble like butterflies,_

_Be my meadow, guide my hand,_

_Help me get back to the ground,_

_Let me feel the silky sand_

_That your approval brings around,_

_Can you see through my façade?  
Hopeful lies and careful smiles_

_Try to sweep up all the shards_

_Left by broken mosaic tiles,_

_Be my meadow, guide my hand,_

_Help me get back to the ground,_

_Let me feel the silky sand_

_That your approval brings around,_

_If I don’t know what to do,_

_Will you wake me up tomorrow?_

_Tell me that this dream is true,_

_Won’t you save me from this sorrow?_

_Be my meadow, guide my hand,_

_Help me get back to the ground,_

_Let me feel the silky sand_

_That your approval brings around._ ”

 

As I read through my poem, I think back to the fun times me and Emery had as kids. Sometimes we would play games, and others we’d simply be laughing and running through the tall grass, feeling it tickling playfully at our legs. When I’m not feeling so good, I like to think about those happy times.

I’m not sure if anyone can tell, but the meadow represents my friendship with Emery. He does so much for me, even though I don’t do anything in return. _He should focus on himself a bit more… I want him to be happy…_

The tone of my poems is quite different to how I usually act around people, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. It gives me an outlet to let out my feelings. That way, I don’t have to trouble anyone else by piling my gloomy stuff onto them.

Once I wrap up, I beam at everyone. “I did it, you guys!”

“Good job, Sayori!” Emery grins as everyone applauds.

“Eheh, look, even Emery enjoyed it!” I wave over to him, but his smile fades.

“What do you mean by that…?” he asks quizzically. _Oh flapjacks, I shouldn’t have said that. He was trying to give me a compliment, and I ruined it by being self-deprecating._

“I think it went very well, Sayori!” Monika says happily, “it really suits you!”

I quickly look around the room one last time and curtsy before returning to my seat.

_Well, I did it… and it wasn’t so bad, after all…_


	24. Natsuki's poem is amazing! I knew it would be!

“So!” Monika claps, addressing the club, “who wants to go next? Natsuki?”

 

Natsuki looks up, discomfort swimming around in her eyes. “Don’t make me go before Emery,” she says snappily, jerking her thumb towards him. “It’s not like I can compare to you guys, so… at least let him lower the bar for you all…”

Hearing Natsuki be so unkind to herself is a little painful. She’s so sweet and deep down, I know she’s caring. The way I’ve seen her talk about the things she’s passionate about; the sparkle in her eyes when she describes the characters and events in her manga…

I open my mouth to cheer her on, but Emery waves his hand at me. “It’s fine, don’t worry. I don’t really have too much to choose from, so I’ll just read what I brought for today. Is that alright?”

He quickly hops out of his desk and makes his way towards the podium. He lays his notebook flat against it, and folds his arms, tapping rapidly at his elbow. He tends to do that whenever he gets nervous, although I really don’t think he has anything to worry about; No matter what he ends up presenting, he’ll do an amazing job!

“Okay then,” he says, “This is my poem, and it’s called:

**Amazing**

  
_Bed,_  
Joy,  
Charm,  
Cheer,  
Clumsy,  
Empty,  
Shame,  
Sing,  
Smile,  
Promise,  
Misfortune,  
Memories.”

 

Even though his poem seems simple at first glance, the way he gives emphasis to each word is captivating. Every syllable slots into place, adding emotion to the story. There’s no way he hasn’t done this sort of thing before; if he truly hasn’t, then he’s a natural. I wish I could create wonderful stories like that so easily…

Once he finishes, we applaud, and he returns to his desk. I almost want to shout out that he did great, but that’d probably embarrass him.

_Now the only person left to present is Natsuki…_

Natsuki rubs her shoulder awkwardly before getting up. “Alright, I’m doing it!”

She looks like she _really_ doesn’t want to do this; she’s dragging her feet along the floor, making an uncomfortable scuffing sound with each sluggish step. When she finally reaches the podium, she half-throws her notebook onto it, sighing impatiently.

“This poem is called… um… it’s called…”

Her face turns slightly red, and she looks up at us all.

“W-Why are you all looking at me?!” she shouts, almost fearfully.

“Because you’re presenting…” Monika answers,

Natsuki’s eyes dart around to each of us nervously. When she looks over to me, I try my best to show her an encouraging smile, but I don’t think she notices. After a brief moment, she takes a deep breath and looks down at her page.

“This poem is called...:

**Jump**

_Little robins like to hop_

_From bright branches with a dainty Plop!_

_Standing on the grey rooftop,_

_Will this make the fears stop?_

_As I untie my blank shoelace,_

_An empty smile across my face,_

_A blustery breeze tries to trace_

_All the sadness in this place,_

_Purple clouds like to form_

_In the absence of hugs that warm,_

_Please help me escape this storm,_

_Is this really my destined norm?_

_Fluffy tears float with care_

_Through the thick, amber air,_

_The sun meets my sightless stare,_

_And then I jump._ “

 

Woah… that’s deep. It sounds so cute, but it’s also so sad…

The consistent rhyme scheme that shifts between stanzas give her poem a bit of a sing-songy feel, like a tulip bouncing around on a bed of sponges. The simple words make the grim imagery stand out even more, and the final line suddenly breaking the rhyming pattern feels very jarring.

_Why… Why do I feel like I can relate to her poem so much?_

As soon as Natsuki finishes, Yuri shoots upright from her desk and starts clapping. It seems as though she was similarly impressed with Natsuki’s writing style. With the way Natsuki frames her poems, she’d probably be a good example for Emery to follow. The two of them would be really good friends if I didn’t keep stealing him away from her all of the time.

Natsuki sighs, and flops back down into her desk.

“There, now that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Monika says teasingly.

“That’s easy for you to say…” Natsuki responds, “you’d better not make me do it again…”

“Ah… well, do you at least feel comfortable with the idea of sharing it in front of other people?”

“Oh, I mean, for random people it’ll be fine,” Natsuki places a hand on her chin, looking up at the ceiling in thought. “For other people, I can put whatever face I want on. But in front of my friends…It’s embarrassing…”

“Huh,” I say, thinking out loud, “I’d have thought it would’ve been the other way round!”

When I’m just talking to my friends, I think things are a bit easier. They all know me, and I know them; I can make a pretty good guess when it comes to how they’ll react to what I say and do around them. Even if it’s not what they might always truly feel, I don’t have to worry about messing up around them.

But when it comes to new people… the pressure to make a good first impression is intense. I want to make people happy, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing. If I slip up even the slightest little bit, there’s no way I’d be able to recover. It makes me glad that my friends are so patient with me, but I still can’t help but feel bad for making them put up with me.

“Well,” Monika says, striding back behind the podium, “I’m just thankful we all pulled through. Just make sure you pick a poem and practice it enough for the festival, okay?”

Everyone nods.

“Excellent! Then I think we can end on a good note!” she smiles, pointing outwards. “Now, I know we’ve got the festival coming up, but still try and bring a new poem for tomorrow, okay?”

 

I carefully slide my notebook back into my bag. I look over to see that Emery’s talking with Yuri about something, but I can’t quite make out what they’re saying. He shrugs, then goes back to his own desk to collect his things. Taking this as my cue, I drift towards him.

“Ready to walk home?” I say, grinning.

“Look at you two, always walking home together!” Natsuki chuckles.

“It’s kind of adorable, isn’t it?” Monika says, resting on a nearby desk.

_Do they think that… that me and Emery are…?_

I blush slightly, feeling my heartbeat quicken. _It would be nice if… if we were that way together, but…_

_I couldn’t do that to him. He deserves to be with someone who’ll make him happy. Someone like Natsuki, maybe…?_

A tiny marble rolls around in my chest, bouncing along my ribs uncomfortably. Emery doesn’t seem to get what they’re implying.

“Geez you guys, you’re making this out to be a way bigger deal than it actually is…”

“It must be a little nice though…” Yuri says wistfully, a sad smile on her face.

Emery starts to say something, but I cut him off. “It’s okay Emery, you don’t have to say it. Let’s just head home, okay?”

I wave goodbye to the others, and I leave the clubroom with Emery.

_I wonder what he was going to say…_


	25. What are you saying? I don't know what to think!

The walk home is relatively quiet compared to yesterday. Emery doesn’t make an effort to talk, simply matching my pace.

I keep thinking back to earlier, when I went to get the art supplies with him. It was my fault that I ended up getting hurt, but he tried his best to cheer me up. He went out of his way to bring me something cold for my head, and we ended up reminiscing about the past…

And the way he reacted when the others commented on us walking home together…

_It’s all just so confusing…_

I do like him in… that way… but there’s no way he could feel the same. He’s got so much to look forward to in the future; it would be cruel to confess to him. He’s obviously happy with how things are going right now between us, and I don’t want to ruin that for him.

Regardless, even if he did accept my feelings for him, what would that look like? He’s trying his best to be a good person, but if he spent all of his time and energy focusing on me instead…

I shake my head. _He’d be much happier with someone else. Even to have as a friend. Sooner or later I’m going to do something to mess it all up; the fact that I haven’t yet is remarkable._

“Hey, Sayori…” Emery suddenly says.

“Ah!” I gasp, “Sorry, I was spacing out!”

“Anything in particular on your mind?” He asks. _What’s going on?_

“Uh, I was just… thinking about something from earlier.”

I face him, smiling. “I like how we get to…umm…”

He raises an eyebrow, expecting me to continue. My face grows hot, and I turn away.

“So, um, let’s say that one day, Natsuki asked to walk home with you…”

“Eh?!” Emery jumps slightly. Whatever he thought I was going to say, it definitely wasn’t that.

“What would you do?”

The two of us stop in the middle of the street. He folds his arms, tapping at his elbow.

“What kind of question is that? You’re kind of putting me on the spot here…”

“Ehehe…” I laugh shyly. “Well, she’s really sweet and likes a lot of the same things as you. I think if you two could spend some time outside of school, you might…”

“Sayori.” He interrupts, resting his arms by his sides. “Do you really think I’d ditch you for Natsuki?”

“But… she’s so cute and-“

Emery rubs his temples. “I already see her in the club every day. Besides, you always seem to really like going home together…”

He chuckles, idly gripping at the cuff of his sleeve. “I wouldn’t want to ruin that for you.”

_What is he saying… does that mean…_

“You’re so silly, Emery…” I giggle, looking off to the side. “You think about me too much sometimes…”

“Natsuki would deserve it if she wanted it, so…”

“And you wouldn’t?” He responds. I don’t answer that.

“Sayori, look,” he sighs, “I’ve already made up my mind, okay? I really can’t figure you out sometimes…”

“S-Sorry…” I apologize meekly, looking down at my shoes. _I hope that didn’t upset him…_

“Besides, what’s the point in speculating something that’s never going to happen?”

“Hm…”

Is he referring to the fact that he’d turn her down? Or that he doesn’t think Natsuki would want to spend time with him? Probably the latter; despite how he might act around me, I know he doesn’t have too much self-confidence when speaking to people who are relatively new. Does he feel like he has to settle for me?

I suppose that means it’s a good job I brought him to the literature club. With time, he’ll forget about me and be able to move on.

… _Gosh, that sounded kind of dark…_

I flash Emery a smile. “Don’t rule it out just yet, alright? I think she might surprise you!”

“Are you sure you want me to walk home with her? Or are you just trying to get rid of me?” He asks teasingly.

Another knitting needle skates through my heart. _Oh heck, I’ve really made him feel bad now…_ _I shouldn’t have asked him…_

He grins, patting me on the back. “Well hey, I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

“Heh…”

I silently wave to him, and turn off into my house. As soon as I walk through the door, I run upstairs to my bedroom, flopping down by the end of my bed. I pick up the large plush cow that sits there, and hug it tightly.

“What should I do, Mr.Cow…?” I ask it, squeezing its body. “Why do I feel this way…?”  


Shouldn’t I be happy that he prefers my company to Natsuki’s? Any normal person would be thrilled, but I just can’t shake the feeling of guilt I have. A single, hot tear rolls down my cheek and drops onto the carpet.

“Huh… that’s new…”

For so long, I’ve just felt so numb to everything. But hearing what he said earlier, and the things is made me feel…

I bury my head into Mr.Cow, allowing another tear to come out. I like him. I _like_ him. How can I be so selfish? He deserves to be with someone who can make him happy. I thought I could do it… but it hurts me too much…

Wiping my eyes on my sleeve, I shamble around the house until I find the staircase leading down to the basement. Each rickety step down echoes through my head. I don’t even really know _why_ I came down here; perhaps I thought I could find something old to cheer me up?

After sorting through a few dusty boxes, I happen upon a small, dusty book. I crack it open, and it reveals several printed photos of myself and Emery throughout our childhoods. As I slowly go through each page, I feel my heart grow heavier.

_I’ve wasted so much of his time… how can I ever redeem myself…?_

I place the book back, and wander around a bit more. I come across a tall supply cabinet resting in the corner, and open it up.

There’s not too much inside; some of my dad’s gloves, a few assorted tools, and…

A loose coil of rope.

Without thinking, I reach forward and pick it up. It’s light but durable, feeling slightly coarse through my fingers. _What am I doing…?_

I throw the rope down to the floor. “What am I thinking of?!” I shout. _Are things really that bad that I’m considering… that?_

Then again… this ache in my heart… what if this is how it will be forever? I’m too much of a coward to want to bear that pain, even if I deserve it. If I were gone, Emery wouldn’t have to limit himself in order to try and make me happy. The other members of the literature club could get a competent Vice President. And maybe, I could make the pain go away…

This isn’t the first time I’ve had these thoughts. I’ve found myself sometimes just thinking about different methods I could go through with, how successful they’d be, and I’ve wondered what people would think about me. However, instead of simply being a persistent thought, it’s now seeming like an attractive option…

I stare blankly down at the rope on the floor, then slowly pick it up again. _Today’s Wednesday, so…_

_Okay; Sunday. I have time, I don’t have to do this right now. Perhaps if I don’t feel any better by Sunday, we can revisit this._

Rope in hand, I trudge back upstairs and to my room. I gently open the door to my wardrobe, and place the rope inside, then sit down at my desk. I try my best to try and write a poem, but I just can’t think of anything. My mind feels fried; all I can think about is being in the empty classroom with Emery, the way he reacted to my question, and…

_Should I even bother writing a poem? It won’t really matter if I do; it wouldn’t contribute anything productive to the meeting anyway._

I close my eyes, and tilt my head back in my chair. _I hope I’m doing the right thing, thinking about this…_


	26. It's so dark in here! Is anyone there?

When I open my eyes, I find that I’m no longer in my bedroom, but sitting at a desk in an empty classroom. It seems to be early in the morning, but the only light comes from the windows outside.

I gingerly get out of my desk and walk into the dark hallways, my footsteps echoing softly. As I keep walking, I notice that I haven’t made any progress; if anything, walking towards the end of it has made it look even further away.

_Well. This is certainly a biscuit tin and a half…_

“H-Hello…?” I call out timidly, my hand cupped to my mouth. My voice seems to bounce around the walls, leaving gentle indents.

Suddenly, I hear the sound of a door sliding open behind me. I wheel around on my heel and run towards the noise, opening the door.

“Oh, Hey there, Sayori!”

“…Emery?” I rub my eyes and take a closer look. He’s reclined against the wall in the back of the classroom, looking calmly outward. He has his hands in the pockets of a thick maroon hoodie. He looks very comfortable.

“What are you doing at school so early?” I ask.

Emery looks out the window and blinks, then turns back to face me. “There’s something that I wanted to tell you, and I wanted to catch you before you left.”

“Oh?”

“Listen, Sayori… about yesterday…”

_Yesterday… oh! When I bumped my head and Emery helped me!_

“Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about. Do you remember what we talked about then?”

_Wait, did I say that out loud?_

“Yeah…” I chuckle. “You said that you appreciated my friendship.”

“That I did,” he nods. “But now that we don’t have to worry about anyone else waiting on us, I’d like to go back to that for a little bit.”

“Sayori…” he smiles, placing a hand on my shoulder, “I really wish you’d leave me alone.”

“H-Huh?” I gulp nervously. I wasn’t expecting him to say _that,_ and certainly not in such a friendly tone. “Wh-What are you saying?”

“Didn’t you hear me, you dunce?” he laughs, and gently strokes my shoulder with his thumb. “I only said those things because I didn’t want you to cry and go missing. I didn’t want the others to think I was a jerk.”

I can physically feel my heart snapping with every syllable.

“B-But… you… you don’t…” I babble, a soft tear leaving my eye. Instead of dropping to the ground, it simply floats in midair.

“Sayori, do you honestly think I care about you? Like, seriously care about you?” he continues to speak warmly, his voice smooth like hot chocolate.

“I don’t need you. Nobody needs you. Sure, it’s a little fun to have you around because it gives me someone to make fun of, but anyone could replace you. We were already on thin ice, but you’ve been making things so difficult recently… are you really that self-centered?”

“E-Emery…” I weep, the tiny tears collecting into a small ball in front of my face, “W-Why are you saying these things…?”

Grinning, he winks at me. “Someone has to tell you these things, right? Just the other day you said you wanted me to look out for you, so I’m trying to spare your feelings here.”

“The truth is, I’ve become fed-up with you. You’re never on time, you always oversleep, and you can’t do anything for yourself. I’d much rather spend my time with someone like Natsuki; she’s cool, talented, far prettier than you could ever hope to be…”

“And she’s not such a mopey waste of life, y’know?” he tilts his head to the side.

I try to get up to leave, but my body won’t move. All I can do is stare directly into his eyes and my vision becomes more and more obscured with tears.

“P-Please, Emery… d-don’t do this to me…”

He shrugs. “Eh, well, I guess there’s _one_ thing you could do for me that might make things better…”

“I-I’ll do anything… what is it…?”

“You could just go. I don’t care how you do it. Leave town, catch a bus… maybe even finally acting on those ‘rainclouds’ you keep moaning about. No one would cry if you did it. In fact, holy hell, it’d make me so happy if I didn’t have to deal with you ever again.”

The classroom starts to lose colour as the mass of liquid inches further towards me until it’s smothering my face. Soon, I’m unable to breathe, and I’m making ugly choking noises through the ever growing volume of water.

Emery takes my hand, and holds it between his. “Just, remember this, okay? I’ll never love you. The only way you could make me feel better is to stop being such a burden to me. Can you remember that for me?”

I don’t answer him, still struggling to will my body to move.

“You know I’m right. You can tell yourself all you want that it’ll get better, but deep down, you know what you have to do.”

_No… please, don’t do this to me Emery…!_

“GYAH!!” I shriek, bolting upright. My heart is pounding, and my breathing is erratic. Wait… breathing!

I place my hand on my heart, and frantically look around. I’m back in my room.

_It was just a nightmare… but why did it feel so real?_

Picking up my phone on my bedside table, I check the time. It’s 3:57 in the morning.

“There’s no way I’m going to get up on time for school today…” I say to myself, going to rub my eyes. However, as I touch my face, I notice that it’s wet. I look down at my pillow and notice a clear patch of tears right next to where my head had been.

I turn on the lamp on my bedside table, and pull Mr.Cow up onto my bed, hugging him tightly. I haven’t needed to sleep with a stuffed animal for years, but… it might help tonight.

I lay back down, but I can still feel the hot tears running down the tops of my cheeks and around my ears.

_I’m so pathetic… most people cry when something actually bad happens, but I’m just losing it over nothing…_

I wipe my face on my pillow, and close my eyes again. _Please, Emery… it’s not true what you said, right?_


	27. You're up here too? That's great!

Just as I expected, I wasn’t able to get any meaningful sleep after waking up so abruptly in the middle of the night. I pick up my phone and see that I’ve managed to sleep through all four of the alarms that are supposed to get me out of bed one time.

I slowly push myself up, and stare out of the window. Emery is already waiting for me outside, although he doesn’t look impatient. He almost looks… concerned…

_No… No, I must just be imagining things…_

I debate texting him some kind of excuse, but I decide not to; it wouldn’t really matter anyway. Perhaps he’d be able to have a nice walk to school for a change if he didn’t have to worry about me tagging along.

With a heavy sigh, I lie back down and pull the covers over me. Even if I left now, I’d still probably be late for my first class anyway; a little extra sleep wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world…

 

…

 

I wake up an hour later, and am finally able to pull myself out of bed. Glancing at the time, my second lesson of the day should be starting soon, but if I were to start getting myself ready now I could make it in time for my third period without anyone being any the wiser.

I take a deep breath, and force myself to take a shower.

 

_Come on, Sayori. Chin up; no one wants to see you like this. It’s just like Emery said in my dream; I shouldn’t make things difficult for anyone by making them worry about me…_

…

It takes me longer than I was hoping to finally arrive at school. By the time I get there, it’s already time for a free period.

_What should I do…? Perhaps I can find somewhere to think about things for a little while…_

I carefully make my way up to the roof of the school. I figure that there won’t be any other people around, so I should be able to get a bit of time to myself to ease back into the regular school schedule.

_Normal people don’t need to prepare for that sort of thing. Normal people don’t skip classes to sleep._

I fumble with the door, but I eventually get it open. Taking slow, deliberate steps, I make my way out onto the open roof. Resting my elbows on the railing, I stare out at the school grounds down below. So many people going through so many things. There’s groups of friends happily talking, there’s people still studying even during the break, there’s people having lunch. There’s so many people down there, all with their own problems, but they’re able to make it through the day despite them.

Meanwhile, I let my non-problems keep me in bed.

Letting out a soft sigh, I rest my chin in my left hand. With my finger, I absentmindedly play with a tuft of my messy hair. _What’s going on with me? Why do I feel this way?_

“…aaaaaaa…”

Before I’m able to think of an answer, I hear a timid voice call out. _There’s someone else up here? Did they see me?_

I curiously peek around to see Yuri huddled closely to the wall. _When did she get here? Was she up here before, and I just didn’t notice?_

I close my eyes, then grin playfully and run towards her.

“Yuri?” I ask, “What’re you doing up on the roof?”

“I-I, um…” she begins to stutter, “I was just… reading a little…”

She looks at me with her round, delicate eyes. After a moment, she speaks again.

“W-Why did you come up here, Sayori?”

I gaze out over the paint-chipped railing. I guess I don’t really have a proper answer outside of ‘I was sad’. She probably wouldn’t want to hear that.

“I’ll be okay,” I say, turning back to her. “I just feel a little bit funny, y’know?”

“I see…” Yuri looks away briefly but immediately glances back to me. “I just, um… are you alright, Sayori?”

 _Is it really that obvious?_ Maybe it always has been, but people haven’t told me. It’s just like Emery said on Tuesday; “ _They’d notice that, they just want to spare your feelings_.”

I shake my head, and force out a little laugh. “Of course I am, silly!”

I smile, pointing both fingers at the edges of my mouth, as if to emphasize how happy I must be. “But thank you for checking in on me; you’re a sweetheart, Yuri!”

 

I skip up to her and give her a tight hug. I end up putting a bit more energy into it than I thought I would. Maybe I’m just being selfish, but I really needed a hug after last night; even if I’m kind of forcing Yuri into it, it still feels very comforting.

“I’ll see you later at the club meeting, okay?” I say with a wave. She simply nods in response.

The moment over, I trot back through the doorway, closing it behind me. I make it halfway down the staircase before stopping. I can feel tears starting to well up in my eyes, but I really don’t want to cry right now.

I tilt my head back, hoping that they’ll subside. Fortunately, I’m able to hold them back.

_Come on now, Sayori… happy thoughts now… happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts…_


	28. What happened? Is everyone okay?

By the time classes finish, I just feel kind of listless. I drift through the hallways aimlessly until I arrive at the clubroom. Maybe it’s just because I haven’t seen Emery today…

_No, that’s my fault. I chose not to walk to school with him this morning. And it’d be selfish of me to put that kind of pressure on him, anyway._

I slide open the door and slump down into a desk off to the side. I pull out my notebook, hoping to write something that I could share today, but I can’t make any words happen. I instead decide to bounce an eraser across my desk, gently picking it up between my thumb and middle finger.

Erasers don’t have to worry about making everyone sad; they can just bounce around happily, helping to clear up people’s mistakes. I wonder what it would be like if someone came along and erased _me_ …

No… No, I can’t think about that. But then… why is the thought becoming more and more familiar? Why am I getting… more comfortable with it?

Before long, Yuri enters the room. She takes a couple of shy steps forward, but suddenly stops.

“H-Hey, Sayori…?” She mumbles timidly.

_Respond to her. She’s asking how you’re doing. She probably wants to help you._

I simply sigh, not even looking at her.

_Why are you this way?_

“O-Okay, sorry then…” Yuri squeaks before slowly backing away and settling into a desk on the opposite side of the room.

_Now look what you’ve done, you’ve upset her. Good job._

Time seems to stop as I continue to play with the eraser on my desk. I’m not sure for how long, but after… a while, the door opens up again, this time revealing Natsuki and Eme-

Oh. Oh my gosh...

Both of them are in really bad shape. Natsuki has noticeable scuffs on her shirt, and she has unsightly bruises around her neck. Emery looks a bit weak on his legs, looking forward through a shiny black eye.

What happened to them…? Was it something that could’ve been prevented? Maybe if I’d walked to school with Emery today, he wouldn’t have tried to pick a fight with someone. So I hurt him, and by extension Natsuki… oh, and I also made Yuri feel upset earlier too…

_Come on Sayori, that’s kinda silly to go that far, isn’t it?_

_…Isn’t it?_

As if on cue, Monika finally enters the clubroom. “Oh geez, I’m the last aga-“ she starts to say, but upon seeing Emery and Natsuki she jumps back, gasping. “Good heavens, what on earth happened with you two?!”  


Emery scratches his head, glancing between Monika and Natsuki. “I’m fine, we just, uh… ran into something that held us up a little bit. But it’s really nothing to worry about!”

“Uh-huh…” Monika says skeptically. There’s no way she believes him. “Well, I think perhaps after we’re done with formalities, you should look for something to put on your face…”

Realizing that I’m staring, I quickly look away.

“Now then!” Monika raises her arms, addressing all of us. “As you’re all aware, the festival is next week. I’d like you all to think about something you could contribute towards our display, and we can discuss our ideas at the end of the meeting. Is that fair?”

 

Everyone else nods in agreement. I simply let out a long, slow breath.

 

“Wonderful,” she says, turning over to Emery. “Now go get some ice for your face.”

 

As Emery leaves, I continue bouncing the eraser across my desk. Everyone else has actual problems, and I’m just sitting here being sad for the sake of it. What a good person I am.

Suddenly, the eraser is snatched out from in front of me. I blink a few times before looking up, and notice Natsuki looking back at me from across the desk. _She looks like she’s having a bad day; I have to try and look happy for her…_

“Oh, hey Natsuki!” I grin. “I kind of just spaced out there, haha! What’s up?”

She pauses for a moment, shyly reaching her hand out before pulling it back. “Uh, I know it’s not my business or anything, but is anything getting you down?

“Don’t worry about that, what about you?” I say, shaking my head. “What happened with Emery?”

Natsuki clears her throat and looks over to the doorway. “Some guy came out and took… something of mine. Emery happened to be there, and the two got into a bit of a fight. He’ll be okay though; he’s got a thick skull, he can absorb that kind of damage.”

She chuckles to herself half-heartedly. All I can do is look down at my desk again.

Natsuki was in trouble… and Emery protected her. He went out of his way, even putting himself in physical danger because of her. If he was willing to go that far, then that must mean…

A slender needle slowly pushes its way into my heart. “You two must be getting very close, huh?”

“D-Don’t say stuff like that!” Natsuki responds, flustered. “If anything, he said it reminded him of you.”

“Eh? How’s that possible?”

“He told me about a time when you were kids, and someone took a plush cow from you. He said seeing me there brought him back to that moment.”

“He could’ve gotten really hurt… he should look after himself more…”

 

I let out a sharp breath, and turn to look out of the window. “I wish things could be like that again, though… just two kids, playing…”

 

_Woah, where’d that come from? Stop making this about yourself!_

“Whoops, you don’t need to hear about all of that! I’m just happy to hear everything’s okay.”

Natsuki raises her eyebrow at me. “Are you sure? Because you don’t exactly look happy.”

 _Urk._ I shift in my seat uncomfortably. I don’t know why, but I can’t think of anything to say in response to that.

“Remember when you said I could come to you if I needed someone to talk to?” She says softly, leaning in a bit, “Well, I, uh, you can do that with me too if you need to.”  


“Don’t worry about me, Natsuki,” I laugh, “It’ll be okay.”

“Well, if you’re sure…” Natsuki says nervously. She gets up and heads over to the other side of the room.

_Phew… I think I stopped her from worrying about me too much. Now I guess-_

“Hey there, noodle-head.”

Emery drifts over to me, holding a bottle to his head. “Heh, looks like we traded places; now I’m gonna be the unicorn.”

I give him a weak laugh. “H-Hey… you don’t need to worry about me today; you can go talk to everyone else.”

“I already kinda did.” He shrugs, then looks down at the floor. “Um… is everything alright, Sayori?”

“O-Of course!” I say, a little bit too defiantly. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

Emery frowns. “I guess you just seem a little off today is all…”

“Are you sure _you_ didn’t hit your head too hard this time, you numpty?” I say, showing him a big smile.

“Maybe, but…”

“You worry about me too much, y’know?” I cut him off. “Don’t let me distract you from having fun with everyone else.”

“Well… alright…” he sighs, then heads over to the back of the room.

_I know that it was just a nightmare earlier, but… why does his concern sound so painful…?_


	29. Just have fun, okay? That's all I want.

I’m barely alone for a minute before I hear deliberate footsteps headed my way.

“Hey Sayori, you doing okay?” a sing-songy voice calls out from above me. I look up and notice it belongs to Monika.

“Yeah, I guess I’m just having a bit of a difficult day.” I respond, laughing weakly.

She tilts her head to the side, then kneels down to meet my eye level. Resting her left arm on the desk, she turns to face me.

“Sayori, there’s-“ Monika starts to speak but cuts herself off, as though she were about to say something different. Instead, she clears her throat, and starts again. “I know how difficult things can get sometimes; you want to impress everyone, but some days even your best doesn’t feel like it’s good enough.”

“One minute, you’re on top of the world, but then suddenly it’s pulled out from under you, and you don’t even know what you are anymore. And you can’t help but feel like it’s all your fault; like, ‘oh, I shouldn’t be this weak’, y’know?”

“But guess what? It’s okay to have a bad day every now and then. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself just because you’re feeling.”

I really want to believe what she’s saying. I really do. But what would she say if I told her my bad days aren’t occasional? What if she knew where my mind went during some of my darker times? Would she still be trying to cheer me up?

Monika sighs, and runs a hand through her hair. “Look, I guess what I’m trying to say is… you try to make everyone happy, and that’s great! But it shouldn’t come at your own expense. Keeping up that shining smile whilst you feel your worst must be exhausting. Try to be a little kinder to yourself, yeah?”

She pats me on the shoulder, and stands up. “Hang in there. This won’t last forever.”

“Okay, Everyone!” She announces, striding towards the front of the room. “I know things might feel a little hectic today, but maybe sharing our poems will help things feel a bit more normal.”

My heart sinks. I totally forgot to write a poem for today. Or rather, I knew about it, but I just didn’t write one. _It shouldn’t matter too much; maybe I can just slip out of the room before anyone-_

“You feeling any better?” Emery says, sitting down in the desk directly next to me.

“Oh, uh, yeah…” I lie, turning to face him. “Do you have another poem for me?”

He nods, and holds the page out to me. “I think you’ll like this one.”

 

**It’ll be okay**

_Hey! Can you hear me?_

_Heartbeat tapping like bumble bees,_

_Deep breaths in, seaside coils,_

_Fluffy cupcakes wrapped in foil,_

_It’s okay if you need to cry,_

_Your feelings are valid, that’s not a lie,_

_When hail swirls around your thoughts,_

_And you’re tired from phantoms fought,_

_Decadent memories of midnight blue_

_Dance like blankets all around you,_

_Sweeping away bitter despair,_

_With vanilla coils and strawberry hair,_

_It’s okay to tell me your worries,_

_When scratchy spiders scrape and scurry,_

_Doughnuts bounce on amber clementines,_

_Forgetful forks comb their tines,_

_So please believe me, you are able_

_To cast away rainclouds, sharp and sable,_

_Even if there’s a downcast day,_

_Sometime, it will be okay._

 

There’s something about this poem that just… speaks to me. Looking over this page is almost like looking into a cracked mirror, each shard reflecting my face with a different emotion. The fact that he strayed from his normal minimalist style and ended up writing such a touching poem… I’m totally speechless.

He grins, scratching at the cuff of his sleeve. “I did have a totally different poem prepared for today, but when I didn’t see you this morning I thought something might’ve been getting you down. So during one of my classes I tried to write something similar to your stuff. Did I do a good job?”

“Emery… this is your best one so far.” I say with a sad smile. “It’s really, really nice~”

“I’m glad you liked it, but…” he sighs and folds his arms, tapping at his elbow. “You’ve been a little quiet today. I know you told me to go and have fun with everyone else, but I can’t shake the feeling that something’s really bothering you. Did something happen?”

 _Oh, doughnuts. I should’ve tried a bit harder._ Maybe it was a bad idea to just stay on the sidelines here whilst everyone else did their own thing. At this rate, he’s going to worry about me even more.

“Nah, I’m fine… I think I’m just a bit tired…” I chuckle, looking off to the side.

“Do you want to nap or something? I know you said this wasn’t the napping club, but-“

“No, that’s silly!” I say, frowning. “Just, don’t worry about me, okay? All I want to see is a smile on your face~”

“Well, if you say so…”

I glance down back at the poem, then up to him. “I do have to say though, I’m a bit surprised by this.”

“Eh? How come?”

“I really thought you would try writing your poems like someone else here. Like Natsuki or Yuri, or even Monika… but in the end…”

“I guess I can’t help but write stuff you like, huh?” he laughs.

“But why?” I ask, my eyes starting to ache from the held-back tears. “Don’t you want to get closer with everyone else here?”

“Of course I do! But that doesn’t mean I need to try so hard to impress them. I still understand you the most, Sayori.”

His voice is calm and soothing, just like…

_No. No, it can’t be. Why can’t I just forget about that stupid dream? Why won’t it just get out of my head?_

“I know you have to sometimes put up with me, and I with you. But… we have a wavelength or something, you know?”

 

He waves his hands around, pretending they’re flowing waves.

 

“Sometimes it feels like you’re the only exciting thing in my life… so it’s just easier to write when thinking about you.”

 _No… what have I done?_ I was supposed to help him move on from me, but I’ve only pulled him closer towards me. How could I be so selfish?

“Emery…” I say quietly, my lip quivering, “I don’t… deserve this. You’re too nice to me… why are you doing this?”

The look on his face almost immediately shifts from nostalgia to concern. His warm, hazel eyes become sharp and rigid.

“If you just had fun with everyone else instead… this would be… so much easier!”

 

Emery looks over his shoulder, then leans in a bit closer to me. “Sayori… I’m not going to pretend to know how you’re feeling right now, but… please, tell me what will make you happy.”

 

I think back to what he said to me in my dream. _Please, enough! That wasn’t real! It wasn’t! Get out of my head!_

I shake my head, a rebellious tear darting out of my eye. _If I keep this up, I’m not going to be able to come back from this…_

 

I manage to take a deep breath, and close my eyes. I manage to show Emery a smile, but I think I’d have a full-on breakdown if I tried to look into his eyes.

“It’s nothing Emery… It’s just a little raincloud… I’m sorry you had to see that!”

 

I giggle, raising my arms up playfully. “Ahaha! I promise it won’t happen again. Just smiles from everyone, okay? That’s all that matters.”

 

I tilt my head to the side, still beaming. “Go play with everyone else now, okay? I’m gonna go home a little early~”

 

“Sayori-“ Emery holds his hand out in front of him as if to say something, but I interrupt him.

“Tell Monika I wasn’t feeling well, okay?”

 

Before he can respond, I pick up my bag and slide out from my desk, skipping out of the room. I hum a little tune in the hopes that it’ll help me keep my spirits up. It works for a brief while, but as soon as I make it to the stairwell, I can’t keep my feelings in any longer. All I can do is silently walk home, tears streaming down my face.

 

_Why… Why do I feel this way?_


	30. I'll walk home alone today. I've done enough.

I can’t seem to focus on anything as I aimlessly drift away from the school building. I feel like I should be running, but I can’t make myself do it. It’s almost as if I’m simply running on autopilot.

All I can think about is the conflicting thoughts surrounding everyone’s concern earlier. Part of me wishes that I had the courage to tell them what’s going on, but what am I supposed to say? ‘Hey, I might seem happy all the time but I’m actually fairly sad please help’? That just sounds silly.

For a long time, I’ve managed to cope by trying to make those around me happy. I know that I might not deserve happiness, but I figured that if I could make everyone else feel good, it would make me feel like I’m actually doing something productive, rather than freeloading off of their kindness.

 

Just as I arrive home, I hear my phone chime a few times. I wait until I’m up in my bedroom before I pull it out to check what’s going on.

_A couple of texts from Monika and… Emery?_

I open up Monika’s first.

“[ _Hey, Sayori! Just wanted to let you know that after you left, Emery said he wanted to help you with festival stuff. You’ve already done some great work with the posters, but if you wanna help proofread some stuff with me online, that’d be a big help!]”_

_“[But if you’re really not feeling up to it, I’m totally fine doing it by myself. Hope ur feeling better soon!]”_

 

She really is such a considerate person. Even though I ditched her without even giving her the courtesy of a goodbye, she’s still being super friendly with me.

 

“[No, that sounds great! If you send me what you need help with, I can take a look over it this weekend?]” I tap out a reply. Monika responds almost immediately.

“[ _Awesome! Knew I could count on u! :3_ ]”

I assume Emery’s text is going to be related to this…

“[ _Hey, ya noodle. I told Monika I’d help you with festival stuff, is that okay?_ ]’”

 

What should I do? A selfish part of me is happy that he wants to spend time with me, but it steel feels painful. I know he keeps saying otherwise, but I’ve probably made him feel uncomfortable around everyone else by pestering him to be around me so much. I try to come up with a reasonable-sounding response, but I can’t think of anything. _I guess if I remember, I can come back to it later._ Maybe he’ll call up one of the other girls instead, thinking that I’d forgotten about him. That’d probably be the best thing for the both of us.

After hanging my bag on the back of my door, I get changed into some more casual clothes. I’m completely shattered from today. Even if I didn’t really do anything, crying is super draining for me, and I did a fair amount of that on the walk home. It’s still relatively early, and I’m awfully tired; maybe a nap will help me feel better.

I debate pulling the blanket over me, but I instead opt to flop down on top of the covers. The duvet is cool and refreshing against my skin, and wraps me up in a little bundle of safety. My bed can’t hurt me.

 

…

 

I’m woken up by the sound of knocking at the front door downstairs. I groggily sit up, and check the time on my phone. However, instead I notice a missed text from Emery, sent a few minutes ago.

“[ _Hey, I’m gonna pop over in a few mins. Want to see how you’re feeling, is that okay?_ ]”

_W-Wait, no… I don’t want him to see me like this!_

My room is a tip; My bed’s unmade, there are clothes on the floor, and various papers are strewn across my desk. That’s not even mentioning that I must look like a wreck.

After a few seconds, I hear the doorknob turn, and someone steps inside. _Did I really forget to lock the door? Am I that stupid?_

I hear Emery’s voice call out for me downstairs. At first he simply sounds like he’s looking for me, but he eventually grows more concerned.

_Oh heck oh heck oh heck oh heck oh heck_

I rub my eyes and dash around in an attempt to tidy up a little, but I trip over my discarded uniform, hitting the ground with a sudden **_THUD!_**

I hear Emery start running up the stairs, and he throws open the door to my bedroom.

“Sayori!”

I look up at him from the ground bashfully. “Ehehe… Hi Emery~”

He extends his hand down to me and helps me up, then sits down at my desk. He raises his hand to speak several times, but can’t seem to decide what he wants to say, so the two of us just sit in silence for a minute. I eventually try to break it.

“You… you haven’t come over like this in a long time, have you?”

He rubs the back of his head. “Ah, yeah, I guess you’re right. Still, nothing’s really changed, has it?”

I wish I could agree with him, but it feels like everything’s changed. I ended up developing feelings for him, and even though I knew that was against his best interests, I tried to force him to spend time with me.

“If you came over more often, it wouldn’t be such a mess,” I laugh half-heartedly. It’s true that he would help pick up after me when he used to come over to visit, and maybe if I had more company I’d make more of an effort to make my room look presentable. However, I rarely feel like I have the energy for it.

“Only because I’d tidy up for you!” he chuckles teasingly.

I smile uneasily. I know reminiscing isn’t the only reason he came by.

“How come you suddenly wanted to come over today?” I ask curiously. He shifts uncomfortably in his chair before turning to face me.

“I just… wanted to see how you were doing. After you left earlier today… I couldn’t help but feel like there’s something you weren’t telling me. When something’s wrong, you can’t hide it from me! I know you too well. So…”

I force a smile, and shake my head.

“That’s no good, Emery…”

“Eh?” he stares back at me in confusion.

“Why can’t it just be like it’s always been?”

If I hadn’t lapsed back then, he wouldn’t be over here right now. He wouldn’t be trying to make me feel better, and he wouldn’t be giving me a second thought. He’d probably be getting ready to help Natsuki over the weekend, and he’d be able to have a happy, fun time.

“This is all my fault… if I didn’t get so weak and accidentally express my feelings…”

“Sayori…?”

“If I hadn’t made that stupid mistake… you wouldn’t be worrying about me right now. But this… is just my punishment, isn’t it? I’m getting punished for being so selfish. I think that’s why the world decided to have you come over today… It just wants to torture me.”

I can feel a lonely tear starting to form in the corner of my eye. I force out a laugh and tilt my head back, hoping to stop it.

“Sayori!” Emery calls out, grabbing me by the shoulders. “What on Earth are you saying?! Are you listening to yourself right now?”

He looks me right in the eyes, emotion flaring behind his pupils. “I know something happened to you. There’s no other explanation for you to be like this. So, tell me already! Until I know, I won’t be able to stop thinking about it!”

_Oh no… this is the moment I was dreading the most… I don’t think I can keep it bottled up anymore…_


	31. This is the real me. Are you disappointed?

“Ehehe… you’ve really put me in a trap, Emery.” I say weakly with a blank smile. “But… you’re wrong.”

Emery looks back at me, his pupils narrowing in uneasiness.

_Here we go… I’m really going to do it… I’m really going to tell him…_

I take in a deep breath to prepare myself. “Nothing happened to me. I’ve always been like this; this is just the first time you’re seeing it for what it really is.”

“For what it really is? What does that mean?” Emery asks, leaning in closer.

“Ehehe… you’re really going to just make me say it, aren’t you? I guess I have no other choice now…”

_I’ve gone too far to back down now… for better or worse, I have to tell him…_

“The thing is… I’ve had really bad depression my whole life. Did you know that?”

He doesn’t say anything. His eyes dart around my face anxiously.

“Why do you think I always oversleep? It’s because finding a reason to get out of bed is really difficult most of the time… what’s the point in anything when I know just how insignificant I am?”

I sigh, and look off to the side. “Why should I eat? Because it’ll keep me alive? Why should I make friends? I’d just drag them down. What good would it do to make other people waste their caring and energy on someone like me?”

“That’s what it feels like. And that’s why I just want everyone to be happy… because if they can be happy… I can be happy too… right? They don’t need to worry about me, as long as they’re okay.”

Emery looks totally stunned. For a good moment he simply sits across from me in silence.

Well, I did it. I shattered his entire perception of me. And now there’s no way we can go back to how things used to be. He’ll never be able to be around me without worrying. All because I had the audacity to let it slip earlier.

“Sayori… I… I had no idea…” he stammers, pain swirling around in his eyes. “I wish you’d told me about this sooner… I would’ve done everything in my power to help you, even just a tiny bit. You’re my best friend, and nothing can change that.”

I shake my head. “You don’t understand, Emery… why do you think I never told you? Because I didn’t want to burden you by making you care about me. I didn’t want you to stop caring about things that are actually important.”

“It’s bittersweet, when people try to care about me,” I say, looking him in the eyes. “Sometimes, it does feel nice… but it also feels like a rusty chain being wrapped around me ankles, dragging me around harshly.”

“That’s why I wanted so badly for you to get to know everyone else better,” I giggle. Even though I’ve already told him everything, I still feel compelled to try and appear cheery around him. “Helping everyone be happy together is the best thing for me.”

“But, you know, that didn’t end up working out, did it? Because looking back at how much I stole you away from them… I… I denied you the opportunity to get closer to everyone else… and it feels like a toothpick skating across my heart.”

“So that’s why I didn’t tell you… no matter what I do, every path only leads to hurt.”

“Sayori…” Emery’s lip quivers, and a single tear falls down his face. “I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through… but whatever it takes for you to feel better… that’s what I want to do.”

Seeing him cry over me is just too much. I can’t look at him anymore.

“No Emery… there’s nothing. The only thing that could’ve helped is if everything could’ve just stayed the same. But I had to be selfish and drag you to the Literature club. And I’ve finally shown you what a terrible person I am.”

Tears streak down my face, dripping pitifully into my shirt. “I did that without thinking about you, and I was punished by my heart hurting in a way that I couldn’t understand. And now you’ve come here, and I’ve hurt you as well.”

I look to the side with a sad smile. “I’m just weak and selfish. That’s all I am. And that’s why I’m going to accept my retribution. Because I deserve every bit of it…!”

Before I can say anything else, Emery gets closer and pulls me into a tight hug. His arms are wrapped around me as though he never wants to let go.

“Sayori…” he says gently, “As much as you might believe otherwise, you’re really not selfish. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known, and I’m so glad you convinced me to join the literature club. Getting to spend more time with you… has really shown me what I was missing out on.”

My arms shiver by my sides. I so badly want to return his embrace, but I just feel so guilty. All I can do is sob into his shoulder.

“E-Emery… please… don’t do this… to me…you… you don’t deserve… this…”

“If you have it in you to call yourself selfish, then you have to let me be selfish too. I care about you so much, Sayori, and you deserve to be happy. Please, let me help you…”

“I…I…I don’t know…”

I weakly return his hug. He gently rubs my back with his hand, and guides us both down to sitting on my bed.

“You don’t have to know right now… it’ll be okay…”

I feel another one of his tears brush against my neck.

“I-I’m just so scared, Emery…” I say, weeping. “I don’t understand my feelings… every day, I just feel so numb, except for when I’m feeling pain. But your hugs are so warm, and you smell so comforting, and I feel so safe… and the fact that I feel that way about you is also really scary.”

Emery pulls away from me, looking into my eyes. “Well no matter how scary it gets, I’ll be there every step of the way, okay?”

“O-Okay…” I sniffle.

He wipes away my tears with his thumb, gripping at his cuff with his other hand.

“Do you want me to stay the night? I’d be more than happy to-“

“N-No, that’s okay… You don’t have to do that for me…”

“I know I don’t _have_ to, but what kind of friend would I be if I just abandoned you now?”

“I…” I shift uncomfortably. “I think… I just need to be alone for a little while…”

“Well, okay…” he pats my shoulder, then stands up. “I’ll still see you tomorrow for festival prep stuff though, right?”

“Y-Yeah…”

“Okay… well, if you need anything, please let me know, okay? I don’t mind coming by anytime.”

I nod weakly.

He glances over his shoulder at me one last time before finally leaving.

 

_Is this really okay…? Is that how he actually feels?_


	32. I can't believe it... how will this change things?

I wait until I hear the front door shutting, and watch Emery go back home through the window. As soon as he’s out of sight, I curl up on my bed, hugging a pillow closely to my chest.

_I can’t believe I actually did that…_

I broke down and told him my darkest secret. I thought I could be strong enough to make it through the day until I was alone, but it became too much. I guess I should’ve expected that though, given how awful I am.

_Stop. This isn’t healthy, Emery said he cared about you._

“I should be happy about that… why does it hurt so much then?” I say quietly to myself.”

_You’re going through a lot right now, it’s a lot to process. You’re guilty about your feelings towards him, and you’re so self-depreciative that you’re afraid of upsetting him._

“B-But… if he has to coddle me every day like that… he doesn’t deserve to have to put up with that.”

_You’re his dearest friend, that’s what friends do. Like it or not, as long as you’re around, he’s gonna do his best to make you smile._

“That’s so cruel though…”

_Is it? He’s choosing to help you on his own._

“The thought of him, several years down the line, being a broken, hollow husk because I’ve completely drained any life from him… I can’t handle that!”

I force myself off of my bed, and gently open the door to my cupboard. The merciful rope is still there, innocently sleeping on the bottom.

“I can’t let him throw away his life on me. He could do so much if he didn’t have to worry about me anymore.”

I softly close the door to the cupboard, and flop down into my deskchair.

_If that’s what it’ll take to ensure that he can be happy…_

 

“No…! This shouldn’t be a happy thought!” I cry, holding my head in my hands, shaking frantically. “Get out of my head! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!”

 

…

 

By the time I finally calm down, it’s dark outside. I try to prop myself up, but I’m hit with a sudden wave of dizziness. I must have hyperventilated earlier; I feel terrible.

After regaining my balance, I slowly make my way to the kitchen and pour out a small glass of milk. Gazing out of the window at the bright, round moon, I take careful sips. It’s soothingly cool, and the taste is wonderfully nostalgic. I can’t help but be reminded of the times Emery would come over to spend the night when we were kids. The two of us would commandeer the living room and build a large fortress out of blankets, with snuggly futons rolled out inside of it. We’d bring over some milk and a plate of cookies, and we’d stay up really late laughing and watching movies. I always made sure there was a spot for Mr.Cow to sit so that he could see what was happening as well.

I’d normally fall asleep before he did, and I’d also usually wake up after him too. I don’t know how he did it, but he never seemed to have trouble staying up at night. You wouldn’t believe it if you saw him napping in the clubroom earlier this week, but he was always full of energy as a kid. He would poke me in the cheek until I woke up, and if that didn’t work, he’d start tickling me, only showing mercy once I had finally gotten out of bed.

 _Maybe… this won’t be so bad…_ I no longer have to worry about whether or not I’m going to slip up and give away that I’m not as cheery as I look. But there’s no way we’ll be able to innocently have fun like that ever again. I’m no longer the smiling bundle of sunshine he grew up with; all I am now is a worn out inkblot.

I shake my head, and take another sip from my glass.

_Emery really is selfless… Even after today, he still wants to spend time with me tomorrow…_

 

…

 

Morning seems to come very quickly. Before I know it, Emery’s knocking at my door downstairs. With the enthusiasm of a wet blanket, I shamble downstairs and slowly open the door.

“Heyyyyy…” I yawn.

“Morning! Did you forget what we were doing today?”

He has a slight smirk on his face, although his eyes look pained. He looks surprisingly nice; he’s wearing a fashionable pair of jeans alongside a ma…

A maroon hoodie.

The images from my horrid nightmare start flooding back to me; the warmth in his voice as he told me how worthless I was, his words not matching his body language at all.

Emery must’ve noticed me spacing out, because he waves his hand in front of my face to get my attention.

“Have you even eaten yet?” he asks, folding his arms.

“Oh, uh, I guess I forgot…?”

“That won’t do, I’m afraid.” He grins, and walks through the front door. “Tell you what; why don’t you get ready for the day, shower and all that, and I’ll sort out some breakfast for you when you’re done. Does that sound good?”

I try to think of something to say, but I can’t. I just nod in acknowledgement.

“Rad. Take as much time as you need; we’re in no rush today.”

With another feeble yawn, I trudge up the stairs and undress, then step into the shower. Whilst it doesn’t fully wake me up, it does help a little bit. I can’t help but linger under the warm water though; it’s so relaxing… even if the room is starting to fill up with seventy-five percent more steam than normal.

_This feels good… I could stay here forever…_


	33. You're so caring... doesn't it tire you out?

I ended up spacing out a bit in the bathroom, and spent far longer than I wanted to. I reach out for a fluffy towel, and wrap it around myself before stepping out of the shower.

Looking in the mirror, I see a glum, plain-looking girl staring back at me with hollow, sunken eyes. _How could anyone seriously want to be around me?_

Opening the door, I feel the coolness of the air from the rest of the house circling around me, making me shiver. I shouldn’t have been in the steamy room for so long; now I don’t know hot from cold.

With soft footsteps, I make my way over to my bedroom. However, when I open the door, I notice things look a lot… nicer. My bed has been neatly made, the papers on my desk are all orderly sitting on top, and there are no longer clothes dumped all around the floor. Mr.Cow has been comfortably tucked into my bed, with his head resting on the pillow. I can’t help but let out a small laugh. Whilst I was goofing off in the shower, Emery took it upon himself to tidy up my bedroom, and even did something funny with Mr.Cow. _I really don’t deserve to have a friend as good as him…_

I pull a simple peach-coloured shirt over my head, and put on some comfortable denim shorts before making my way downstairs. I can hear Emery humming a happy song to himself. The warm smell of toast floats through the air, like a playful butterfly. As I enter the kitchen, Emery looks over to me and tilts his head to the side, smiling.

“There she is!” he says, a wide grin on his face. All I can muster in response is a small smirk.

“ _Pour mademoiselle, toast à la fraise_ ,” he says, handing me a plate of toast with strawberry jam spread across it. _When did he learn French? And where did he get the jam from? I don’t remember having any…_

“Th-Thanks…” I smile weakly, sitting at the counter and taking a bite out of the toast. It’s so basic, but it’s still really tasty; the comforting crunch combined with the sweetness of the strawberry jam immediately makes me feel a little bit better. Emery pours out a bowl of cereal and sits next to me.

“So, what’s the plan for the day? What do we need to do for the festival?”

I take another bite out of my toast. “Well, Monika said she was gonna send me some stuff to proofread, but I haven’t checked for it yet…”

“Oh, that could be fun,” he says between a spoonful of cereal. “Was there anything else you needed to take care of?”

“I… I can’t think of anything else…”

“Alright then, so how about this? Let’s go through what Monika has for us, then why don’t we go for a bit of a walk somewhere? It’s wonderful outside, I think it’d do you good.”

_Why are you doing this, Emery? You’ve already done so much today, you’re going to burn yourself out if you keep putting so much effort into me._

“That sounds nice…” I sigh. _He’s really trying to cheer me up, and I can’t even show enthusiasm for it. I’m such a jerk…_

“Rad! Wanna get that knocked out of the way then?”

I nod, and the two of us clean up after breakfast. A few moments later, I retrieve my laptop from my bedroom and bring it back down, setting it up on the countertop. Sure enough, Monika had emailed me a draft for a brochure telling people about our club.

_Wow, Monika hasn’t even had a full day and yet she’s already got this set up, in addition to whatever things she has to do as club president. She’s got so much motivation. Meanwhile, I can’t even-_

“It looks pretty solid,” Emery comments over my shoulder. “Is there anything you think we should add?”

I scan through Monika’s description of the club. It seems quite polished already:

 

_“Welcome to the Literature club! If you’re looking for a place to explore your imagination through many different mediums, all whilst getting acquainted with some wonderful people, then you’ve come to the right place. General club activities include writing and discussing poetry, sharing your opinions on your favourite novels, and simply relaxing with a good book and a hot cup of tea. Speak to Club President Monika or Vice President Sayori for details on how to sign up! We’d love to have you!”_

“Maybe we could add some examples of what we go over rather than just saying “different mediums”?” I suggest.

“Oh, yeah, that’s a good idea!” Emery says enthusiastically.

“Okay, so… _explore your imagination through poetry, novel, or even manga…_?”

He nods. “I think that’ll catch people’s interest a bit more than simply saying literature in general. Is there anything else you can think of that might draw people in?”

“Hmm… what if we expanded on the _wonderful people_ part? We could say near the end that the club would be a great place to make friends and create memories through thought-provoking exercises?”

I tap out a cute-sounding line. Emery grins in approval. “Was this all Monika wanted you to do? I’m not sure what else we could add to this without making it too wordy…”

“Well, she probably picked up on the fact that I wouldn’t be much use doing something on my own, so she did most of the work for me…” I chuckle half-heartedly.

“Come on now, let’s not go there, okay?” He puts his hand on my shoulder. _His hand feels warm and comforting…_

“Wanna send that back over, and then we can go do something fun with our day off?”

“O-Okay…”

He walks over to the door, stretching. Once he’s out of eyeshot, I go back through the document and remove the line mentioning myself. Monika’s the actual leader, after all. I’d probably turn new people away if they came to me. _And after Sunday, I’m not sure if I’ll even be going to the festival anyway…_

I sigh, shaking my head. It’s becoming harder and harder to try and lose those thoughts.

_Maybe some time out with Emery will help take my mind off of things…_


	34. Where are you going? What do you have planned?

Emery walks alongside me, his hands in the pocket on the front of his hoodie and a bag slung across his shoulder.. The weather outside is pleasant; it’s mostly sunny with just a few fluffy clouds dotted across the sky, like little clusters of candy floss. A gentle breeze swirls around, stirring up stray leaves on the dusty ground below our feet.

“This is kinda nice, isn’t it?” Emery says, looking over to me.

“Yeah. We used to do this kind of thing a lot, huh?”

“I mean, we still sort of do, right? We walk to and from school a lot, y’know?”

“Right…” I chuckle sheepishly. “But I meant like, even outside of school stuff. We used to do stuff all the time…”

He scratches the back of his head. “I’m sorry I haven’t been spending a lot of time with you recently.”

“Eh?”

“I don’t really have an excuse, I just… “ he looks off to the side, gripping the cuff of his sleeve. “I guess I really didn’t understand what you saw in me. I’m not really that interesting or anything…”

“Oh, stop it, you numpty,” I say, giving him a playful punch in the shoulder. “You’re way more interesting than you think. You shouldn’t be so down on yourself.”

“Only if you do the same, you noodle-head,” he grins, tousling my hair. I feel my heart skip a beat, and a funny whirling feeling loops around inside of me.

There’s a moment of silence between us as we continue walking. It’s at this point I realize he never told me what he wanted to go out and do today.

“Hey… Where are we going?”

“Patience, my dear!” He winks, waggling his finger. “We’ll be there soon enough.”

I follow him through the streets, still not sure what’s going on. Suddenly, he ducks into an alleyway near the edge of town, and beckons me to follow him. _Do I really want to go in there…? I guess if something happens to me, it wouldn’t be too big of a deal anyway…_

Shrugging, I continue to tag along until I notice that the ground starts shifting from paved to dirt, and then to wood. Before I realize it, we’re walking across a sturdy bridge through tall, proud trees. The shrill chirp of cicadas fills the air, but it isn’t off-putting. If anything, it’s nice. The noise reminds me of many a summer where Emery and I would play outside with each other. It almost feels like we’re back to that time again, just two kids innocently wandering through the world…

“Okay, we’re here!”

Emery gestures outwards with his arm towards a beautifully clear lake. It’s unlike anything I’d ever seen; had this been here this entire time?

He kneels down and pulls a tartan blanket out of his bag, neatly laying it down on the grass below. He sits down and pats the open space next to him. I timidly join him on the blanket, and he hands me a bottle of orange juice. He uncaps his own bottle and bumps it against mine before taking a drink.

“Not bad, huh?”

“It’s so pretty…”

I take a sip of juice. It’s delightfully sweet, tickling my taste buds with each sip.

“Emery…” I ask, “why did you do all of this for me today?”

“Hm?” he coughs, and places his bottle down.

“You cleaned my room, you made me breakfast, you even helped me with the work I was supposed to do for Monika… and now you’ve taken me down here. Why are you doing all of this?”

He sighs, and stares out into the lake. “Well, I guess after yesterday, I was just thinking about some things… We’ve known each other for such a long time, and you’ve always been there for me…”

Smiling, he turns to face me. “I wanted to show you that I’ve got your back, no matter what, yeah?”

“E-Emery…”

I try to smile back at him, but tears start to well up in my eyes. “There’s so many people out there… so many wonderful people who would be so grateful to know someone like you…”

“But they’re not you.”

_But_

_they’re_

_not_

_me…_

I can feel my heart starting to beat faster. Before I can stop them, tears start to fall down my face.

“Why am I feeling this way, Emery? I’m supposed to be happy, right? So why does it feel like my heart is splitting in half?”

I’m full-on bawling at this point. Everything feels like it’s falling in on itself, rattling against the ground like dropped marbles.

“Everything hurts so much… this would be so much better if I could just disappear!”

Emery suddenly places both of his hands on my shoulders, his pupils narrowing in fear. “Sayori, don’t say that!”  


“It’s true though! If I wasn’t here, then you wouldn’t have to waste your sympathy on me! You wouldn’t have to put up with me being selfish! You wouldn’t have to-“

“Sayori…” Emery interrupts me and grabs my hand, squeezing it tenderly. “I really don’t think of you as a burden. Caring about you like this… it makes me happy, in every sense of the word. So, even if it takes my whole life… I’m going to be by your side until you don’t feel any more pain.”

_No, I… I can’t… I can’t handle this…_

“I’m scared, Emery… I’m really scared…”

“What are you scared of, Sayori?” he asks gently.

_That this is an elaborate joke?_

_That I’ve ruined your life?_

_That I might do something drastic?_

_…something that I’ve given thought to?_

_…something that I’ve planned?_

_…that there won’t be any returning from?_

_…and that I’m not trying to push those thoughts away anymore? That’s terrifying._

_But perhaps most of all…_

I gulp. My hands start to shake, prompting Emery to squeeze them again. “I’m afraid that… I might like you more than you like me…”

There. I said it. Even if it means that any hope of seeing him again is totally thrown away, I at the very least wanted to tell him before…

Emery tilts his head to the side. Something stirs behind his eyes. “Sayori…?”

“It’s true, isn’t it? I was weak, and let my guard down… and I ended up liking you too much. I did this to myself…”

Through my bleary eyes, I try to look at his face. “Emery… I like you so much that I want to die! That’s how I feel! And…”

Emery pats me on the shoulder. “That’s enough, Sayori…”

My chest tightens painfully in anticipation. _What’s he going to say next?_


	35. Why does my heart ache? Shouldn't I be happy?

Emery sighs, then turns to me. “I don’t want you to hurt anymore… I know what you need most right now, and I’m going to give that to you. Do you trust me, Sayori?”

I nod.

He closes his eyes for a moment, then slowly opens them with a small smile on his face.

“Sayori… I love you.”

Time stops. Every tightly wound thread around my heart ties more and more knots around themselves, looping frantically like rambunctious ladybirds. They constrict tighter and tighter until they all snap at the same time, releasing a burst of blood and sharp pain inside my chest.

_Is this… is this real? Did I hear him correctly?_

“Those are my true feelings. It’d be impossible for you to like me more than I like you.”

_He… He accepted my confession?!_

“I can’t believe it took me this long to realize. I guess by getting to know everyone else in the club, and having fun with you every day… it helped me see just how important you are to me. That’s why I’ll accept any of your burdens.”

He squeezes my hand again. “As long as we continue like this every day, with you by my side, then I know we’ll both be happy.”

“Emery…”

Unable to stop myself, I leap forward, throwing my arms around him. He returns the embrace quietly. Being in his arms, in this beautiful place, hearing him say he loves me…

Part of me is so happy that he feels the same way… but I still feel really guilty. I forced him into a difficult place by blurting out my feelings for him after letting him know how much pain I feel regularly. Is his love genuine? Or is he putting my happiness over his own?

“Is this… really okay?” I ask, my lip trembling. Warm tears still stream down my face, landing on his shoulders.

“Yeah, it is,” he lets out a soft chuckle and pulls me closer. “You’ll never have to let go of me again.”

 “I… I love you, Emery… I want to be with you forever…”

“Me too.”

The icy flames inside my heart flow through my entire body, fighting my mind. Blazing snowflakes try to tell me I should be happy, but crackling thumbtacks press themselves into me, reminding me of my selfishness.

_Why do I still feel like this…? Shouldn’t I be overjoyed right now?_

My grip loosens slightly around Emery. He seems to take notice, shifting slightly. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I always thought this would be the happiest moment for me. But even now… why won’t the rainclouds go away? They’re not going away at all, Emery…”

He rubs my back gently, his hand on my forearm. “It’s okay, Sayori…It might take some time for things to get better again. But no matter how long it may take, I’ll be there for you, every step of the way.”  
“O-Okay…” I sniffle, hugging him again, “I… trust you…”

After a few minutes, we slowly release each other.

“So…” Emery chuckles nervously, scratching at the cuff of his sleeve, “I guess that makes the festival our first date, huh?”

“Ehehe… I don’t want to think about stuff like that, you know? I just want everything to be the same as it’s always been. Even if we really are… together now…”

I look down at my feet. “I don’t know if I can handle anything more right now…”

Emery nods reassuringly and picks up the blanket, along with his other things. “I understand. We’ll go at whatever pace suits you.”

The two of us start making our way back slowly.

“Hey, Emery…” I smile at him sadly. “Even if I get really, really sad… I’m doing the right thing… aren’t I?”

“Eh?” he says quizzically, raising an eyebrow. “Are you saying you’re not sure you want this?”

“N-No, it’s not that… I just really don’t want you feeling like you’ve made a terrible mistake. My feelings are so confusing right now… it felt like a band of needles when you said you loved me back… but that’s why I want to trust you.”

He reaches over and takes my hand, interlocking his fingers with mine. “I’ll do whatever I can to help you feel okay.”

 

We walk the rest of the way back in relative silence. Once we arrive back home, Emery pulls me into a hug.

“I love you, Sayori…”

“I… I love you too, Emery…”

He lets me go, and grins at me. “I don’t know if you’re doing anything tomorrow, but would you like to maybe… get some sweet food on Sunday? We can just hang out together, no pressure or anything.”

I can’t help but let out a small laugh. “That…sounds like fun…”

“Great! So, I’ll see you Sunday then?”

“I think so…”

I shyly wave at him and enter my house. I’m barely home for a minute before my phone chimes. _Probably Monika checking in about the brochures…_

Sure enough, it’s from Monika. “[ _Hey Sayori! I liked the edits you did earlier! Sorry to kinda dump this on you, but could you go over the design a bit? I can’t seem to get it right!]”_

I suppose further work will keep me busy, and might help distract me from these whirling thoughts.

“[Sayori’s on the case! ^_^]”

“[ _Brilliant! Let me just send it over. You can get it back to me whenever, as long as it’s before Monday.]”_

_“[Oh, and whilst I have you, would you be okay with writing a new poem to perform? I thought it’d be a great idea for us to reflect on everything that’s happened leading up to the festival.]”_

“[No sweat! I know just what to write!]”

To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what I’m going to write. _But I’m not sure I’ll even need to, anyway…_

I swipe up my laptop from the kitchen and set it back down on my desk, opening up Monika’s email. Inside is a smart but fairly basic design for a pamphlet. _I think I know what kind of thing she’s looking for…_

…

 

As the day comes to an end, my thoughts drift back to the time I spent with Emery at the lake.  Was confessing to him the right thing to do? I’ve singlehandedly guaranteed that things will never be the same, as well as ruined any chance that he might have at happiness. I guilted him into saying yes, and no matter how much he says otherwise, I know that he’s going to worry about me as long as I’m around.

_Although it won’t be-_

*Ding!*

A sudden noise from my phone cuts me off.

“ _[Hello Sayori. Do you have a moment?]_ ”

It’s from Yuri… she sounds like she has something she needs help with.

“[Hey Yuri! :] What’s up?]”

Within a minute, I get a response.

“[ _I understand if you’re busy with the festival, but would you like to meet up tomorrow?_ ]”

 _She wants to hang out with me?_ I’d always wanted to get to know Yuri a bit better, but I didn’t want to make her feel awkward. I can’t just say no though; it probably took a lot for her to reach out to me like that.

“[Ooh, that sounds like fun! I can always make time for my friends! What did you have in mind?]”

“[ _Well, there’s a nice park not too far from here… would you like to meet up there?_ ]”

I know the place she’s talking about; I used to play there with Emery all the time when we were kids. _Maybe going there will feel nice…_

“[That sounds super! I’ll see you there tomorrow, like 10ish?]”

“[ _Perfect. I’ll see you then!_ ]”

I place my phone down on my bedside table and rub my eyes. _Should I tell Yuri about what happened today…?_

_Nah, I don’t want to bother her with that stuff. I’ll just try and make sure she has a good time tomorrow…_


	36. I'm going to see my friend... will this cheer me up?

As usual, I wake up feeling completely drained.

My alarm has gone off at least four times already, and I’ve lazily reached over to snooze it each time. All I want to do is stay here, where I can’t hurt anyone.

_Was there something I was supposed to do today…?_

I roll onto my back, and open my eyes ever so slightly. I can’t shake the feeling that there’s something important I should be getting ready for. Was it helping Monika prepare for the festival? _Nah, I did that yesterday._ Confess to my best friend, only to find out that even hearing that he loves me back won’t make the rainclouds go away? _Nope,_ _did that too._

_Hmm… Oh! Monika wanted everyone to write a new poem for the festival. I should probably write something… it’d only be polite. Natsuki and Yuri have probably already-_

_Wait. Yuri._

_Oh heck! I’m supposed to meet Yuri at the park in… 30 minutes?!_

I attempt to kick my duvet off of me, but instead end up getting all tangled in it. I jump up from my bed, still fighting with the blanket, until I trip on my own ankle and fall to the floor. Fortunately, my fluffy foe cushioned my impact, allowing me to dust myself off.

“Heck, heck, heck, heck, heck…” I mutter to myself, scrambling to make myself presentable. I dash to the bathroom and have the quickest shower possible, After hurriedly dressing myself and running a brush through my hair hastily, I pass through the kitchen, and open up a cupboard. Pulling down a box, I grab a large handful of cereal and jam it into my mouth, then sprint out of the front door with a small bag loosely hung around my shoulder. _If I’m quick, I should be able to make it in time!_

_…_

When I finally arrive at the park, I notice Yuri’s already here. I start walking over to her, but then I suddenly remember; she still doesn’t know that I’m depressed. She still thinks I’m full of sunshine and rainbows, without a care in the world. I’ll be honest, there was a small part of me that was relieved to finally tell Emery; it was like I didn’t have to wear that mask all day, and could just be me. _But I can’t make Yuri worry about me…_

I take a deep breath and force a smile onto my face, then begin creeping up to her. _Steady now… steady…_

Without warning, I leap forward and wrap my arms around her from behind,

“Haha! Here I am!”

Yuri lets out a frightened yelp, and looks around wildly until she sees me.

“O-Oh… it’s just you, Sayori…”

I release her and show her a big smile. “Hey, Yuri! I’m sorry, I just saw you there and I thought it’d be kinda funny!”

I sway side to side slightly, hoping that I don’t look like I’m trying too hard to appear normal. Yuri brings her hands close to her chest and sighs.

“I-Is that so…” she says with a shy smile.

I look around the park, and see a small snack shop a little ways away. It’s been there for years; Emery and I would go there all the time when we were younger and we’d each get a little treat. He’d usually get some fruit gummies, and I’d pinch a couple whenever he wasn’t looking. The building still has the same banner it’s always had; It depicts a T-Rex named Harrison flashing a toothy grin, holding an ice cream in one hand and adjusting his sunglasses with the other.

_It’s not really the healthiest option, but I should probably eat something… I don’t want anything bad to happen whilst I’m out with Yuri…_

“Yuri, Yuri!” I gasp, pointing over to the small shack, “Can we go get ice cream? They have ice cream over there!”

Yuri folds her arms, chuckling slightly. “Do you have enough money to get yourself a snack this time?”

“Hey! Don’t be a meanie, of course I do!” I say with a pout before skipping towards the shack. I buy myself a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and Yuri chooses a small cup of mango sorbet. I know most people think vanilla is like the ‘default’, boring flavour for ice cream, but I really like it a lot. There’s something calming about its familiar taste, coupled with the inviting texture of the ice cream. Each lick is comforting in its own special way.

The two of us wander around the park aimlessly, enjoying our frozen treats. Yuri takes dainty spoonfuls and savours each one.

“So, um…” Yuri clears her throat, “how has your festival preparation been going?”

“Oh, it’s been so much fun!” I beam back at her. “Emery came over and helped out a little bit too, so it wasn’t too overwhelming. But I got to use so many fun colours!”

“Yes… you were helping design the pamphlets, weren’t you?”

“Mhmm!” I nod energetically. “Monika’s handling most of the wording and all that, but I worked on some of the graphical stuff. You’re going to love what I’ve come up with!”

I tilt my head to the side and wink at her. I wish it had been as happy and fun as I’d made it out to be, but after a couple of days of not having to keep a brave face, I’m feeling exhausted.

“How about you though?” I ask, trying to shift the conversation away from me, “Nothing too crazy been happening with Natsuki, right?”

She pauses for a moment, then stirs her sorbet around a little. “I-I guess you could say that… we’ve mostly just concentrated on the atmospheric pieces so far…”

“I can’t wait to see what you’ve cooked up together! I always knew the two of you would click once you got to know each other a bit better!”

Even if I don’t get the chance to see it, I already know they’re going to have something incredible to tie the room together. It’ll capture their full attention, and everyone will be able to have a wonderful time!  


“Wh-What?!” Yuri coughs. _Did I say something weird?_

“And Emery seems to like you guys a lot too! He talks about you guys all the time!”

As I say it, I know that it’s false; this whole time I’d selfishly gotten in the way of him getting closer to everyone. Perhaps during the festival he’ll finally get the opportunity to spend some time with them.

“It makes me so happy that he’s getting to know other people…” I sigh, with unintentional wistfulness. _I really hope Yuri didn’t pick up on that._

“H-Hey, Sayori…?” she asks timidly, “There’s something I’d been meaning to ask you…”

_Heck. I’m not sure I like where this is headed._

“Eh? What is it?”

She fiddles nervously with her hands before turning to face me. “I was just wondering if you were feeling any better since Thursday… you’re usually so full of happiness, but you… well, you didn’t seem to be yourself…”

_Wait._

_She knows?_

_Okay, calm down. That’s not necessarily what she’s saying… I just let my guard down and it showed. It doesn’t have to be a big deal._

“You don’t need to worry about that,” I say, closing my eyes and smiling at her. “You need to take care of yourself too, y’know?”

“W-Well, yes, but…”

Yuri taps at the bottom of her sorbet cup with her spoon. “It’s okay to feel upset sometimes… it’s what gives meaning to the happier times in our lives. And if there’s something on your mind, I want to help you…”

 

_She’s offering to help. Say something. Tell her how bad you feel that you made her worry. Tell her how you desperately want her help but also feel intensely guilty about asking for it._

I turn my head away from her, laughing nervously. “It’s okay, silly!”

_Yep, I’ll just avoid the issue entirely. I can’t make people waste their time on me like that._

“There was just a little raincloud hovering around the other day, but I’m okay now. I’m sorry you had to see that, ehehe…”

“You don’t need to apologize for feeling, Sayori… if anything, I think allowing yourself to be vulnerable at times is a sign of strength…”

_I wish I could believe that, I really do._

“I don’t want to bring any of you down with my silly problems. You all deserve to be happy…”

 

“Well, you do as well, don’t you?”

 

The question pierces right through me, like a knife carving out a soft slice of cake. Why does it make me feel so weird?

I sigh, then turn back to her with a smile. “If everyone else can be happy, then I’m happy. It doesn’t really matter what I’m feeling, y’know? If I can put a smile on your face, then I’m doing my job!”

 

Yuri looks down at her feet. _Oh gosh, if I don’t change the subject soon…_

_Hmm… maybe there’s one place that might make me feel good. One final place to see if there’s any kind of memory that could ease this pain I carry around…_

“Come on over here,” I call out, waving her over to me, “there’s something I want to show you.”

_Hopefully it’s still there…_


	37. Things will be okay soon... I know it.

I lead Yuri through some trees off at the edge of the park and down a worn-out dirt path. Even though it’s been several years since I last came down here, I remember it clearly. _No one else should know about it, so it should still be there…_

“It’s not too far from here now!” I call out behind my shoulder. I nimbly hop up a steeper hill, and wait for Yuri to make her way to the top. I climb over a small metal fence, and help her over it, then place my arm around her shoulder and gesture outwards to the place I wanted to show her.

It’s a natural dip within the forest, leaving a wide clearing with various swooping trees forming things to climb on. Everything is coming back to me as I see it again; there’s a path that leads out to a field on one side, and at the far end is a small tree house. Even from just looking at it, you could tell its been there for a long time, and nailed into the tree are several planks that form a ladder up to it.

“What do you think?” I ask Yuri.

She takes a moment to look around. “It certainly has a… charm to it… but what exactly am I looking at?”

As though embarrassed by how direct she was, she shrinks backwards and covers her face. “S-Sorry, I didn’t mean-“

I wave a hand at her, and continue down the path. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable; I should have explained earlier.

“It’s okay! This is a very special place to me, so you’ve got to promise me you won’t show anyone else, okay?”

Yuri nods.

“Okay, so this place was kind of like my ‘hideout’ when I was younger. Emery and I used to come down here often to play when we were kids. We kept it secret from pretty much everyone, y’know?”

I point out to the treehouse. “Like over here was our secret HQ! We built it with Emery’s dad one time, and we’d go up there to survey our territory.”

A small smile appears on Yuri’s face. “That sounds wonderful… but I must ask, why did you bring me here?”

I sigh, staring off into the distance. “I guess I wanted at least one other person to know about this place. I just… do you ever miss being a kid sometimes, Yuri?”

Yuri blinks, as if she wasn’t expecting that question. “I… I suppose I do in some ways…” she says softly, glancing to the side. I don’t really know what kind of childhood Yuri had, but I imagine things are going well for her now. Even if she tends to keep to herself a lot, she probably has an encouraging family to go home to, who help her stand up whenever she gets knocked down.

Do I miss being a kid? I guess I more miss the things that came with it. I didn’t have to worry about anything going wrong; at the end of the day, me and Emery would still be friends, and the day after we’d be going out to play together again. But then I started to develop feelings for him, and he started to drift away from me… And now, I can’t grasp that sense of easiness anymore. Telling him my feelings didn’t help… and hearing him return them didn’t help either…

_I wish things could be the way they’d always been…_

“Hm?” Yuri looks over, confused. “What do you mean?”

_Heck, did I say that out loud?_

“I…” I manage to catch myself, and shake my head. “It’s okay, I almost let something slip there. Ehehe…”

I scratch the back of my head bashfully, but Yuri raises an eyebrow at me.

“Did something happen with Emery? Is he still helping you prepare for the festival?”

 _Oh, something happened. But I think I ruined everything for him._ I know he’d be much happier with someone else from the club than with me, but I guilted him into accepting my confession.

“Eh… Never mind that,” I smile. “He’s having a good time with the club. I just hope I haven’t stopped him from getting to know everyone else a bit better…”

Yuri fiddles with her hands, as if thinking about what she wants to say. “Sayori, I don’t think you need to worry about that… I think he’s just most comfortable around you since you’ve been friends for so long. It’s natural for people to find comfort in what’s familiar.”

“But what if he wants to be friends with you as well? Everyone in the club has so many wonderful traits, and I…he deserves to be happy…”

There’s an awkward silence. After a moment, Yuri walks over to me and gingerly places a hand on my shoulder. “I think he’s happiest around you though…”

“But why…” I whisper, looking down at my feet.

“Forgive me if this is a bit blunt, but… a-are you sure you’re feeling alright?”

_Oh no… now I’ve made Yuri worry about me. I knew I’d feel this way if I talked about this stuff, but I was selfish and made this whole day out about myself. I can’t do anything right… Except maybe…_

I take a deep breath in, and slowly release it. “Yeah… I think things will be okay soon…”

I suddenly realize what I’d just said. I clap my hands and wear a big smile. “A-Anyway! I don’t want to drag you down! I’m really glad you invited me out today, Yuri!”

Yuri tilts her head to the side and smiles. “I’m glad too.”

 

…

 

The two of us make our way back out and head home. The journey back is relatively silent, as Yuri wanders forward seemingly in a world of her own. Perhaps she’s thinking about what I said earlier… _I really hope I haven’t made her feel bad…_

“Well, this is me!” I stop and point to my house as we pass it.

“Thank you for coming out with me today, especially on such short notice.” Yuri says, taking a short bow. “I’ll see you on Monday at the festival, right?”

I grin back at her. “Goodbye, Yuri!”

I slip inside, and begin replaying the day through my head. By all accounts, I should be really happy; I had a fun time with my friend, and I got to share something special with her. I thought reminiscing about a simpler time would make me feel better, but all it did was cause my heart to ache even more.

I slump down to the ground and cry, hugging my knees.

“AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhHHHHHHHHH!!”

Burning tears flow down, showing no signs of stopping.

“What is wrong with me?! Why can’t I be free of this?!”

I don’t want this to be forever.

I can’t handle it if this is what it’s going to be like.

A constant stream of false hope consumed by crushing guilt…

_Tomorrow is Sunday. And I don’t feel any better. Either I bear this horrible pain for the rest of my ungrateful life, or…_


	38. This is it. Now everyone can be happy.

As I walk through the doors of the school, I feel a bitter chill running along my spine. The cold stings ever so slightly as I step down the echoing corridors.

“W-Why is it so c-c-cold?” I ask myself, my teeth chattering.

“…it’s a metaphor.”

I turn around to see Emery standing on the other side of the hallway. He slowly walks closer to me, his oversized maroon hoodie billowing around him. I match his pace, and when we meet, he wraps his arms around me in a tight hug. Being in his arms is instantly warming, and I feel safe.

“Emery… what’s going on?”

Emery rubs my back with his hand. “It’s quite simple, really. It’s so cold in here because you’ve sucked all the joy out of this world.”

I pull away slightly, but he doesn’t let go. “Wh-What?”

He nods with a gentle smile. “When you confessed to me the other day, I could feel my future being drawn from me, like blood through a syringe. I really didn’t know what to do.”

“I guess I’m too nice though, and I said I loved you back because I thought it might make you feel better. But it didn’t in the end, did it? You still feel terrible, don’t you?”

“St-Stop it…” I stutter, as his grip on me becomes tighter.

“The one thing you’ve dreamed of for years, and you’re still selfish enough to feel sad.”

“Please…stop…”

“If _that_ didn’t make you happy… nothing will, will it?”

“Enough… please… get out of my head…”

He chuckles playfully, releasing me. “It’ll just be cruel, self-centered pain, forever. Do you really want that?”

I hold my head in my hands. “N-No… Get out of my head…”

“I’m right. You know I’m right.”

“Get out of my head!”

“You know what you have to do, right? That’s the only path that frees you from this pain.”

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I scream, pressing my palms into my temples.

“You’ll be making the world a better place. Go out with something noble.”

 

“GET.”

“Trust me, this is for the best.”

“OUT.”

“You know where it is, don’t you?”

“OF.”

“It should be where you left it.”

“MY.”

“I’m trusting you to do the right thing.”

“HEAD.”

 

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I swing upwards from my bed, shivering.

_I… I can’t do this anymore…_

I fall downwards, hugging my pillow tightly. For… I don’t know how long, I lay there, my body wracked by ugly, heaving sobs.

_How am I such a terrible person…? I see my best friend as a monster… not even sleep lets me get away from the pain. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want this anymore!_

Weeping, I lower my shaky legs to the ground. I reach inside my cupboard and pull out the coarse coil of rope. Above my desk is a sturdy hook; it’s been there as long as I can remember. As a kid, I would string my toys from it, as if they were flying.

_I… I’m going to fly now…_

I loop the rope through the hook, carefully wrapping it around into a tight knot. Seeing it hanging from the ceiling puts a pit in my stomach, as though things seem a bit more real. It looms over me, shifting from looking scary to serene, from a ring of nettles to a glowing crown of flowers.

Emery’s words echo in my head. “ _I’m trusting you to do the right thing.”_

“…I won’t let you down.”

I pull out my deskchair, and move it over to the rope. Before I climb up, I rip a page out of my notebook, and begin to write.

 “ _I just want it to stop. I can’t handle this anymore._

_To my family: This is the best thing for me. I can be happy now._

_To my friends: Don’t blame yourselves for this. You don’t have to worry about me anymore._

_To Emery: I love you._

_No more tears. Only happy thoughts now, okay?_

_~Sayori”_

Tears already staining the page, I place it on top of my desk where it will easily be found. I drift over to the chair, and climb on top of it. Feeling the rough rope in my hands, I pull the loop over my neck.

_Just one push, and it’ll all be over… you’ll finally be able to be happy…_

“I… I’m sorry, everyone…” I sob. _I guess this is it._

… Why can’t I do it?

 

I’m paralyzed. I know this is what’s best for me, but moving my legs feels like I’m pushing against the whole weight of the world.

“For once in your worthless life, you can be brave… this will make the bad thoughts go away…”

[I take one final breath, and kick the chair over](https://youtu.be/sv137M-vrSs).

 

After a short drop, the noose tightens around my neck. It scratches at me as my whole body shifts to being supported by my neck alone. It gets tighter and tighter, and I can no longer breathe on my own. The pressure is intense, and steadily becomes more and more painful.

_I…I deserve this…_

Soon, I start to choke, as I involuntarily try to breathe in. However, the loop is way too tight around my neck to allow that.

_Wait… Wait, what am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING? NO!_

_I don’t want this anymore! I DON’T WANT THIS ANYMORE!_  
  


“S…Someone… H…elp…me…!” I cough out weakly. No one hears it.

Frantically, I try to grab at the noose, but it’s locked firmly in place, and I can’t loosen it at all. Without thinking, I start clawing at the rope with my hands in a vain attempt to free myself, but I only succeed in cutting my fingertips on the abrasive loop. Soon, my fingers are too bloody to get a steady hold on the rope, and I start to thrash around, desperately hoping I’ll be able to escape.

I hear a buzzing coming from beneath me. My phone is ringing, and it’s… _E..Emery…?_

“N…N…No… I…didn’t…want this…”

After an agonizing eternity, the world around me begins to fade, and I grow increasingly dizzy. I feebly tug at the rope, but I can feel my strength leaving me.

_Please…not…like this… I…only wantedddddddddddd…_


	39. Is it over? How will things be after the storm?

…

……

“…i…”

“…a…i…eas…”

“…a…ori…ake up…ease…”

“…an’t lose you… plea…”

_Wha… what’s that noise…?_

“…on’t leave me…yori…”

I wake up to something pressing up and down on my chest. I cough painfully, and try to open my eyes, but they’re so heavy…

“..please… breathe…”

The thing pressing on my chest moves backwards as I cough some more, involuntarily taking gasping breaths. I try to sit up, but I feel incredibly weak.

I’m finally able to force my bleary eyes open. A thin form in front of me reaches forward and picks me up, hugging me tightly. Their body is shaking, and they’re whimpering through terrified sobs.

“Oh thank god… I thought I’d lost you…”

_I recognize that voice. It’s… It’s Emery… but what is he…_

Emery rocks back and forth with me in his arms, bawling. “I-I was so scared, S-Sayori… if I’d lost you …”

I reach a frail hand around and gently pat his back. I try to speak, but I can only muster a hoarse whisper.

‘I-It’s okay…”

“I-I’m always going to be h-here for you, okay?” he weeps, burying his face into my shoulder. As my body wakes up more and more, I move my hand up to his hair, stroking it with my thumb.

“Shhh now… I’m here…”

The two of us sit on my floor in relative silence, the only sounds coming from Emery as he struggles to stop crying. After a while, he manages to regain his composure, and clears his throat. He looks into my eyes, his own panicked and bloodshot.

“Do you think you’re able to stand up? He asks, his gaze fixed on me.

“I… I could try…” I croak weakly. I try to push myself upright, but it makes me feel very light headed. Emery catches me, and helps me to my feet, then guides me to my bed. He hoists me up into it, and props the pillows up behind my back so I’m sitting upright, then he pulls the blanket over my lap and tucks Mr.Cow snugly under my arm. After reaching over and opening the window slightly, he leans over me.

“I’ll be right back, okay? I promise, I won’t be gone long.”

“Okay…”

He bends down and kisses me on the forehead, then paces quickly away. On his way out, he swoops past my desk and swipes up the note I had written earlier.

My head is pounding, and a sharp stinging sensation circles around my neck. I go to touch it, but it’s incredibly tender. Barely turning my head, I look around my room. My deskchair is standing upright in the middle, and the hook that was once there is completely gone, with only a ragged hole remaining. There’s no sign of the rope; I’m not sure when he was able to, but Emery must have taken it.

_I can’t believe it… he… he saved me…_

I pick up my phone from my nightstand, and notice a few texts and a couple of missed calls from Emery:

“[ _Hey, noodle-head! You ready to head out?_ ]”

“[ _If you come down soon, I’ll get you pancakes!_ ]”

“[ _Sayori? Everything okay in there?_ ]”

_2 missed calls from: Emery._

“[ _I’m gonna come inside, okay?_ ]”

I set the phone back on my bedside table, and close my eyes. A cool, refreshing breeze blows through the window, tickling my face. I should probably be feeling awful, but I just have a strange sense of calm.

A few minutes later, Emery returns carrying a small cup with a straw poking out of the top. He hands the cup to me, then pulls my deskchair close and sits down. The cup has water in it alongside crushed ice chips; it feels soothing in my hands.

“Sip that slowly. You’ll feel better.”

I smile delicately, and take dainty sips through the straw. The cold water feels wonderful through my throat as it gently passes down, but swallowing is still fairly painful.

“E-Emery…” I start to say, “I-I’m so sorry that-“

He raises his hand and shakes his head. “Let’s not worry about that right now, okay? Just focus on getting a bit better; we can talk about it later, alright?”

I nod ever so slightly, and take some more sips from the cup. After I place it down, he brings over my notebook and a pen.

“Here, this might be a bit easier than talking.”

I cough, and write out “Thank you” with a heart and a small drawing of a cat. He chuckles a little bit. “You’re welcome.”

I tap at the page with my pen a little, then continue to write. “I’m sorry I made you worry about me.”

Emery gets up and sits on the edge of my bed, facing me. “It’s okay… I’m just happy you’re okay. If I’d arrived just a moment later…”

He looks down, and a single tear drops to the ground. “…I’m just really happy that you’re still here.”

After a brief moment of silence, Emery takes my hand in his and squeezes it gently. “You don’t have to go to the festival tomorrow if you don’t want to. I could get a friend to stand in for me or something, and we can just have an easy day if you’d like.”

I shake my head slightly, and slowly write out a response. “No, I want to go. I want to see everyone else.”

“Are you sure?”

I nod, and hold up the notebook. “I’ve want to write a new poem for tomorrow as well. I know what I want to write about now.”

Emery smiles at me with his shiny eyes. “You’re the strongest person I know, Sayori. What’s your poem going to be about?”

I tap my chin with the pen, then turn to him with a shy smile. “It’s a secret~”

“Ah, I see,” he lets out a small laugh. “Would you like me to give you a little bit of space?”

I look down at the notebook, then back up to him. I nod.

“Okay… Well, I’ll come back in like half an hour or so, yeah? Text me if there’s anything you need before then, okay?”

I flash him a toothy grin, and he turns to leave. However, he lingers in the doorway, and looks back at me. “I… I’m really glad you’re still here.”

I draw out a big heart, and hold it up for him. He smiles, then heads downstairs.

Alone in my room again, I feel myself starting to cry. However, I don’t feel sad; it’s a weird feeling, kind of like a bright burst of colour from within me. Seeing Emery so vulnerable like that… he really does care about me. He really thinks I deserve to live. He fought to keep me here. I still feel some guilt for making him feel that way, but… for the first time in a long time, it feels like there’s a sense of hope for me.

Pen in hand, I begin to carefully write out my poem. I want to capture this feeling; he doesn’t have to be here for me, but he is. He doesn’t have to care about me, but he does. He doesn’t have to love me… but he does.

_Thank you, Emery… Thank you for saving me…_

 

…

 

The day went by pretty easily. Most of the time, we just lazed around at home, playing video games or reminiscing about stuff we did as children. Emery didn’t pressure me too much to talk about what happened this morning, but he did stress that it’s a discussion we’d need to have in the future after the dust had settled a little. He mentioned that he’d help me look for a therapist one everything with the festival is over; I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit scared, but I trust him, I know it’d be good for me.

Rather than going home, Emery instead laid out a futon on the floor of my bedroom. He said that after this morning, he wanted to be there for me if I woke up in the night or something. _I really hope he doesn’t burn himself out… he needs to look after himself as well…_

Before settling in to bed, he walks over to me and hugs me, kissing me on the top of my head. “I love you Sayori…”

“I love you too…” I whisper silently.

_For the first time… I feel like… things might be okay…_


	40. The sky is sunny... so is my heart!

“Good morning, noodle-head!”

I’m woken up by Emery’s voice calling to me through the doorway. He’s leaning against it, wearing a dark shirt with long sleeves and a slim pair of glasses. He wears contacts so much that I often forget he even needs them.

Stretching out my arms, I sit up in my bed and look over to him. “Hey there, numpty…”

“How’re you feeling?”

“Actually, not bad…” I say in a hushed tone. Although my voice still feels a bit scratchy, I’m at least able to speak. And whilst I’m still a bit sleepy, I don’t feel like staying in bed anymore. It’s kind of weird; I can’t remember the last time I actually felt rested after sleeping.

“Do you think you’d be up for some breakfast?” He grins, holding his hand out towards me. “I remember someone telling me it’s bad to skip breakfast!”

I silently giggle, and take his hand. He leads me downstairs and out into the back garden, then pulls a chair out from the table outside. I sit down, and he ducks back inside.

The sky is a brilliant blue, and there are no clouds in sight. The sweet sound of chirping birds tickles my ears, like bouncy macarons. The mild morning breeze skips through the trees, creating a soothing rustling sound. _This is actually quite nice…_

After a few minutes, Emery returns with a cup of strawberry yoghurt and a small spoon, and hands them to me.

“I was going to make you some toast, but that would probably be a bit painful to swallow, so hopefully that’s okay.”

I take an eager spoonful. Luckily, I love yoghurt, so I’m not complaining.

“Are you sure you want to go to the festival today? It’s okay if you’re not feeling up to it.”

“Yeah, I really do want to go.” I cough. “I want to see everyone else.”

Emery smiles, and adjusts his glasses. “Alright. Well, we should probably get you ready then, huh?”

 

…

 

After a quick shower, I drift over to my bedroom and get dressed. Just as I’m about to leave, I stop and look in the mirror. There’s a noticeable dark ring around my neck. _There’s no way I could go to school without anyone asking about it…_

I open my cupboard and pull out a fluffy scarf. I wrap it loosely around my neck, carefully covering up the mark. Soon, I’m comfortably nestled into it like a little robin. _That should be fine… if anyone asks, I’ll just… well, I’ll think about that later…_

Step by step, I hop down the stairs and find Emery. Whilst I was getting ready, he had swapped with glasses for contacts, and under his arm he’s carrying a stack of the posters I worked on earlier in the week. It’s a shame he doesn’t wear his glasses more often; they make him look really smart.

“Ready to go?” He asks with a smile.

I nod, grabbing his free hand, and the two of us make our way to the festival.

 

…

 

As we approach the door to the clubroom, I suddenly freeze in place.

“Hey, everything okay?” Emery places a hand on my shoulder.

“Y-Yeah…” I whisper, “I… I just realized that I probably look pretty suspicious.”

“What do you mean?”

“W-Well… It’s warm outside but I’m wearing a thick scarf, and I can barely speak. I don’t know if I’m ready to tell them about what happened…”

Emery smiles warmly at me. “Hey now, it’s gonna be okay, alright? I’ll think of something. You trust me, right?”

I nod, looking into his eyes.

Emery gently opens the door, and I timidly follow him into the room. A large banner is displayed on the far side of the room, with strings of notes drifting down from the ceiling. A lovely floral scent drifts through the room, creating a wonderfully peaceful atmosphere.

“Sorry we’re late, everyone!” he chuckles. “There were just some last minute things we had to do, but we’re here now!”

Monika looks over to us. “Ah, Emery! And… Sayori too!”

She tilts her head to the side and shows me a genuine smile. I shyly wave back and try to say something, but I can only manage a weak cough.

“Sayori’s got a bit of a sore throat,” Emery explains, scratching the back of his head. “I think she was practicing a bit too hard for today’s recital!”

Yuri glances over. “Oh. Shall I make some tea? It might help…”

 Before I have a chance to respond, Yuri walks right by us and out of the classroom, kettle in hand. Emery looks over to me, and I smile and nod.

“Well, I’m just glad you guys made it over here safely…” Monika sighs. She sounds almost like she’s relieved. _What was she expecting…?_

I shake my head slightly. She was probably just a little worried that we were late. Monika’s so kind and caring… I’d hate to make her scared like that.

Being back together with everyone in the literature club feels nice. I’m happy that I’m here today.

_I guess now we just need to wait for some people to show up!_

 

…

 

“Okay, Everyone!”

Monika points outwards with a delicate smile, looking out towards the other students who are in the room. Whilst a few people filtered in and out, there’s still a fair sized crowd.

“It’s time for the main event! We’re going to show you all just how much literature means to us!”

Monika confidently steps up to an impressive wooden podium set up in the front of the room and places her notebook on it.

“Each of us has prepared a poem to present to you all today. I would be delighted to begin our recitation with a piece simply titled:

**Joy**

****

_Do you ever feel like shifting words_

_Assail your mind like ravenous birds,_

_Flashing colours and aching static,_

_Forcing you into a panic?_

__  
  
When your days just feel repeated,

_It’s hard not to look conceited,_

_But what if suddenly, out of the blue,_

_Something happened that you never knew?_

__  
  
Someone broke the endless chain

_Of silent noise and bitter pain,  
Showing you that even today,_

_There might be another way?_

__  
  
So thank you for your curiosity,

_I’ll no longer show my animosity,_

_No longer do I have to be coy_

_About expressing my eternal joy.”_

 

Monika is a born performer; her voice echoes through the room, bouncing off of the walls and washing over everyone. It’s this kind of showmanship that originally convinced me to check the club out in the first place. I know that Monika used to be an active member of the debate club, so she probably has experience addressing a crowd, but… you can hear her enthusiasm as she speaks.

After everyone applauds, Monika takes a bow and steps to the side. Emery gets up and strolls over to the podium.

“Before I begin, I just want to say thank you to everyone in this club. Especially to my friend Sayori.” He grins, and gestures over to me. I feel myself blush slightly, and wave at everyone looking over.

“You really helped me grow as a person, and I feel like I’d never have gotten here if you didn’t look out for me. So… thanks.”

“Anyway,” he says, clearing his throat, “the poem I’ve prepared for today is called:

 **A New day**  
  
_Did you think that was all I had?  
It pains me to see you ever so sad,_

_If you don’t tell me, I’ll get mad,_

_So please, let me make you glad,_

_I might not know what ails you,_

_But I can try to help you through_

_The dense fog, thick and blue,_

_Please believe it, my feelings are true,_

_You always like to make me smile,_

_But please, won’t you stay for a while?  
You’ve helped me turn the watchful dial_

_Around to caring in embracing style,_

_Let me help you find a way_

_To order your thoughts in disarray,_

_I really just want to say,_

_Thank you for showing me a brand new day.”_

 

Just like the poem he shared with me on Thursday, it’s really different from the other pieces he’d brought to the club. Not too long ago, he had trouble expressing himself, but he’s transformed into a charismatic young poet. His voice is rich, like flourless chocolate cake, and is peaceful to listen to. Every so often, he looks up from the page, as if trying to gauge the room’s reaction, but he’s really doing an amazing job.

Once he finishes, he smiles bashfully and returns to his seat. He looks over to me and grins. “Go get ‘em, Noodle!” he mouths to me. I can’t help but giggle.

“I-I guess I should go now…”

Still feeling nervous, I slowly take deliberate steps up to the podium, and lay my notebook open. _Okay… remember what Monika said… perform it as though it’s just yourself…_

“Thank you for coming everyone!” I say, flashing victory signs with my hands, “it’s so good to see so many happy faces!”

“This is a poem I wrote with someone very special in mind. It’s called:

**Thank you**

_You didn’t have to listen, but you did._

_Whenever I tried to turn and hide,_

_Burying thorns and greyed soot_

_Under fluffy puffs of candy floss,_

_You tried to blow them away._

_You didn’t have to talk to me, but you did._

_Whenever I tried to fake a smile,_

_And obscure obsolescence with tired laughter,_

_You poured the sun into crystal teacups,_

_And extended one out to me._

_You didn’t have to care, but you did._

_Whenever I tripped into a whirlpool,_

_Dragged around in final thoughts,_

_You threw marshmallows out to me,_

_Bouncing with determination._

_You didn’t have to be my friend, but you are._

_Thank you for trying to help me.”_

 

I close my eyes as I read, Even though I’d only written it yesterday, the words come back to me so naturally. I picture the beautiful lake Emery had taken me to last week, hearing the gentle lull of the water and the hum of cicadas. I remember the comforting taste of orange juice, and the warmth I felt in his arms. I feel… hopeful…

I take a bow, and leave the podium. Emery glances over to me and gives me a thumbs up. _I’m glad you liked it, Emery…_

Yuri quickly strides towards the podium, but immediately looks like she regrets it.

“This… um, th-this poem is…”

Her eyes dart around the room in panic, as if it was just now that she realized how many other people were in the room. She stops on Natsuki, who smiles at her encouragingly. Based on Yuri’s expression, it looks like that was the boost she needed.

“Yes… this poem is titled:

**Heartbeat**

_Pounding eyes, exasperation,_

_Flowing, Liquid conflagration,_

_Rhythmic pulse of candid blush,_

_Delicate notes, thoughts that rush!_

_A considerate quail, quietly quelled,_

_Sleepy ribbons of bliss excelled,_

_Careful hearts are wild and flimsy,_

_Patched or broken on ultimate whimsy!_

_Nebulous trails of dainty tracks,_

_Final thoughts, no turning back!_

_Irrepressible, fervent drive to breathe,_

_Kindness calmed, that will never leave!_

_Exalted glow of fluorescent moss,_

_Graceful steps of love or loss,_

_Happy thoughts, or hidden grief,_

_A Cautiously cut, crimson leaf!_

_Thrashing thread of an untamed gaze,_

_Cacophonous chaos of hearts ablaze,_

_Sparkling sounds of silent desire,_

_from strawberry rhythms that never tire._

 

 

Hearing Yuri perform is incredible. If this was the first time you’d ever seen her speak, you’d think she was president of the theatre club. Her voice draws everyone in, painting a vivid picture with her strong imagery. Yuri has finally found her environment, and it’s truly awe-inspiring to see.

Once she’s finished, she blushes and hurries off back to her seat, giving Natsuki her cue to take the stage.

“Are you ready, everyone? They saved the best ‘til last! This poem is called:

**Rhythm**

_Thoughtful flowers in paradise,_

_Kindhearted kisses, once then thrice,_

_Violet pulses from my chest,_

_Bashful blushing, my ultimate test!_

_Reticent smiles, I accept my fate_

_My beating heart I’ll liberate,_

_Pen strokes pool in a puddle of ink,_

_Faces flush, no time to think!_

_Timid stuttering, one, two, three,_

_I can do this, you’ll soon see!_

_Let me closer, picking posies,_

_Look at me now, cheeks all rosy!_

_Primal fears settling in,_

_Shake them away, or face chagrin,_

_Forcing myself, I shout to you!_

_You turn around, glistening hues,_

_I gulp down my savoury pride,_

_Revealing the feelings held inside,_

_You hold my hands, sweet success,_

_As you smile, and tell me “yes”._

 

_Woah… Natsuki…_

It’s got her trademark cutesy style, but her delivery amps it up to the next level. It’s breathtaking how confident she sounds. Everyone in the room is completely silent, unable to look away from her incredible performance.

_Everyone was so good… it makes me so happy…_

…

 

Seeing everyone bring so much life to the room today was lovely. I’m so glad I was able to come here today; we gave it our all and put on a spectacular show, and I’m sure it’ll be something we’ll never forget for the rest of our lives.

As the day begins to wind down, the mood is soft and calm. Monika is sat at the teacher’s desk with her chin resting on her hands, happily talking to someone through a laptop. There’s genuine joy in her eyes as she looks through the screen. Natsuki is gazing out of the window watching the sunset, and Yuri slowly floats towards her.

_Everything is so… nice…_

“You did great today, noodle!”

Emery smiles, walking up to me. His eyes sparkle with wonder as he looks at me.

“E-Emery…”

Before I can stop myself, I wrap my arms around him in a tight hug. A single tear rolls down my cheek, but it feels… freeing, like a happy little tear.

“Thank you… thank you for helping me see another day…”

He returns the hug, rubbing my back. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. No matter what it takes, I’ll always be here for you, Sayori.”

“I… I love you, Emery…”

“I love you too…”

Our hands interlock, and he grins at me. “Now… wanna get out of here?”

I laugh, and the two of us leave the literature club.


End file.
